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The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity
Narrated by: Esther Perel
Length: 11 hrs and 57 mins
5 out of 5 stars (2,037 ratings)

Regular price: $28.51

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Publisher's Summary

Iconic couples' therapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.

An affair: It can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the prohibition against it - in fact it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.

So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past 10 years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?

Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."

After listening to Esther read The State of Affairs, continue on as she opens the door to her office and invites you to listen in on actual couple sessions. These are unscripted conversations of real, anonymous couples grappling with infidelity from her Audible Original podcast Where Should We Begin Begin? (courtesy of Audible Originals, LLC). As you enter this raw, intimate space with Esther, we hope you find the vocabulary for the conversations you may wish to have.

©2017 Esther Perel (P)2017 HarperCollins Publishers

What members say

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A compassionate approach

The timing of this book was perfect for me. I am going through my own story of infidelity and this book has helped me put the issues and problems that led to my partners infedelities in perspective and into a clearer context. Ester's compassionate and non-judgemental approach to infidelity helped me come to terms with the hurt my partner caused me but also my role in the crisis. I started this book thinking that I would find strategies and ways to bring the relationship together again but in fact what Esther has done for me is help show me that the relationship is over and can't be repaired. But, more importantly, she has helped me see that there can be a happy life after infidelity and it is up to me to find a way to take the sadness out of my life and move on to a happier future.

78 of 84 people found this review helpful

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Waste of money

Her podcasts and her other book mating in captivity are both five stars and awesome however this book is just listing off all the different affairs that she's come across and then ending it with one of her podcasts. Her podcast is excellent but I already heard it.

63 of 69 people found this review helpful

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Revealing

Amazing book, and I love when the authors read. If you've been through a divorce or similar relationship, parts that apply can be tough to get through because she goes into depth about where our behaviors exist and come from and I needed time to reflect. I will absolutely be listening to this one several times. I recommend to everyone who truly values their relationship and wants to improve the way they conduct themselves with their partner/partners.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

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Interesting take on infidelity

Ms. Perel, with her accent, reminds me a little of Dr. Ruth. :-) That said, she offers many observations on infidelity, taken from her experience counseling couples. Infidelity has always been with us, and the reasons probably haven't changed over the centuries. So, she suggests that perhaps the expectations of marriage are source of the problem. So, why not bow to the inevitable and re-write the marriage contract to allow sexual freedom? Why not try open marriage? Group marriage? Multiple casual partners? Communal living? Whatever you want, whenever you want to? Well, I hate to burst her bubble, but whatever she's thinking, IT HAS BEEN TRIED. As a professional who is obviously fascinated by the topic she studies, she has all the intellectual energy to pursue the possibilities. Ordinary people do not, as a rule; at least not over the long haul; plus there's the emotional energy of people who are actually involved and being hurt. So, we give up and revert to the old standard, monogamy-that-really-isn't, because anything else just demands too much energy, and we have to work at our "real" jobs earning money and rearing children. The book's greatest virtue, in my opinion, lies in describing the attitudes and causes concerning infidelity from a non-judgmental stance, and some of the ways in which marriages were salvaged despite the sea-changes infidelity brings.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

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Interesting, NOT PRACTICAL, but somewhat useful

I found the front end of the book to be pretty useful, when the Author provides a nice overview of the questions surrounding the issue of "affair": what it is, why it is hard to define what constitutes an affair, how the definition and attitudes towards "affairs" have been changing over time, etc.

The second part of the book degrades to stories of affairs which may be entertaining to hear, but I did not find this part particularly useful. So what someone had this experience and someone had another experience? Not quite clear what to do with it.

Particularly the closing chapter - I found it to be not only useless, but a bit annoying. Some client talks about his or her story. The Author (being a counselor in this case) tries to frame it in terms of some fancy theories. It felt very Freudian to me. Nice theories to make it sound more complicated and scientific, none could be tested or proven.

Anyway, definitely a worthy read, but don't expect any guidance from the book. It gives very useful definitions and typologies, it tells (not very useful) stories of how things went for others, and it gives no guidance whatsoever on what to do about it.

12 of 14 people found this review helpful

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Chock Full of Great Points

As usual, Esther Perel, has a strong message that merits paying close attention to. Her keen insights to all angles of an affair was enlightening. There is no judgement in the tone of the book and no over-empathizing with the partner of the one who cheats. We need books that encourage more open conversations like this one. It acknowledges our humanity and fallibility and makes no promises that humans will ever do better. I appreciate how Esther addresses the sex addiction question. I am a believer that this is a real and debilitating disease. Perel draws no conclusion, rather she points to research and to the individuals to determine how to view the behavior. I highly recommend this book.

12 of 14 people found this review helpful

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Refreshing look at an old problem

I think that this book is an honest examination of problems typical in any marriage/ long term relationship. Various scenarios and types of betrayal of ones partner are examined fo help one understand the factors that contribute to the betrayal. It offers hope that the problems can be identified and understood,bringing some comfort to both parties in the relationship.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

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This should be required reading for every relationship

There is something that is both scandalous, intriguing and upsetting about infidelity.

The question I get from this book is that infidelity depends on what a relationship is. I don’t think that many relationships really consider what the nature of their commitment and their boundaries really are.

An open mind is required when listening to this book, and a little patience given the author’s accent.

15 of 18 people found this review helpful

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A compelling and novel look at infidelity

The State of Affairs is an insightful, layered, thought-provoking, thorough and original piece of work, and Esther Perel is pleasure to listen to. The author provides a compelling and novel exploration in an area that rarely gets an unbiased look. It takes courage to offer new perspectives on topics as contentious as infidelity, and where deeply entrenched absolutes exist. Perel's erudite, empathetic, steadying voice manages to pierce the veil of the collective unconscious and invite deeper consideration and intelligent discourse. This book, agree with the conclusions or not, will permanently broaden the landscape and our thinking around infidelity in a way that only Esther Perel can.

32 of 40 people found this review helpful

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Disjointed not a story at all or clear direction.

Disjointed not a story or clear direction of one. Recites client experiences without any clear suggestions. Would think it would or should have more meat. Reader flat.

12 of 15 people found this review helpful