The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

By: Esther Perel

Narrated by: Esther Perel

Read by Esther Perel

“Perel is a master at what she does.” ?The New Yorker

“[Perel] knows the depth of your shame and the vibrancy of your lust.”- The New York Times

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience?universally forbidden yet universally practiced?is poorly understood.

• Why do people cheat?even those in happy marriages?
• Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal?
• Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once?
• Can an affair ever help a marriage?

For a decade, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with cheating. In this illuminating book, she weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis to provide insights and answers to help couples survive and thrive.

Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage?with the same person. Affairs, Perel argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships?what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern relationships in its many variations.

“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.”- Sunday Times Style

“A fresh look at infidelity.” - Los Angeles Review of Books

“Perel?a whip-smart emotional savant who pierces through human defenses with the efficiency of a surgeon?is a wonder to behold.”- Huffington Post

“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on?she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality, and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.” - The New York Times

“[The State of Affairs] explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain . . . in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” - NPR

Dope AF!!

Esther is a legend. Such a smart, well-spoken person. I appreciate how she's not dogmatic, allowing for new conversations to emerge. A very insightful and enjoyable listen.

Interesting ideas at times, but somewhat shallow

Esther's ideas about infidelity are provoking, but shallow at times. As someone recently betrayed by infidelity, I found answers to some questions I am searching for about what went wrong in my failed relationship, and also discovered interesting leads to questions I have always had about myself. This book was difficult to listen to at times, and I caution anybody who has been been cheated to approach this book mindfully. Because it approaches this controversial topic with shades of grey, it often seems as if the author sides with, or even glorifies cheaters, and frequently places equal blame for infidelity on the victim. Esther exclaims that she would just as soon recommend people go get cancer before she would recommend having an affair, but her logic is flawed in that people do not choose to get cancer, and having cancer is, to my knowledge, never a reflection of a person's character. Nevertheless, I found reflections of myself in this book, and became a sobbing mess of self-discovery in one chapter, something that hours of counselling has never uncovered. I recommend this book if you have been the victim of a marital affair and seek to know more about the possible reasons that lead your spouse to cheat; but I highly recommend you avoid this book if you are still struggling with a maelstrom of emotions, especially if your adulterous other places blame for their indescretions on you.

Thank God Ms. Perel Narrated this herself!!!

I felt cared for with each word the author spoke in her own voice, in her own tender French accent. I know she must’ve devoted precious days of her life just to reading this work out loud but it was so worth it from my own experience as a human being who truly needed the wisdom she personally offers here. Now, I come away with so much insight into who I am and why I’m making the choices I have made. I can express my compassion to my husband and relieve some of his suffering that way. I can also communicate my needs now that I can clearly see them. I can also navigate the mental healthcare advice we are getting as a couple and calmly advocate for myself. In short, I am empowered to be the woman that I yearn to be, that I know I can be. This 12 hour journey I’ve taken with Esther Perel has had a kind of maturation effect on me. I am transformed by the clarity she offers, I know that I didn’t even absorb all of her meaning this first time around and so, I can’t wait to listen again. Perel has taken a life circumstance that seems impossible to overcome and made real possibility of love come from the impossible. ( which is love’s specialty, if only we understand it.) Get ready to understand!

Deep

I'm glad that somebody has gotten so deep into the topic of infidelity. It was really worthwhile, humbling and eye opening. I recommend this book not only to those who have experienced it, but to anybody who wants to get more insight into relationships overall.

must read or listen the audio

it's very informative , u learned and understand the different meaning of infidelity ..she is very good how to make understand each meaning ...helps a lot if u are going through the scenario