Why Won't You Apologize?

Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

By: Harriet Lerner PhD

Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell

Length: 4 hrs and 36 mins

Publisher's Summary

Renowned psychologist and best-selling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language - I'm sorry - and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Listeners will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful "I'm sorry" and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.

Why Won't You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party - the one who has been hurt by someone who won't apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

©2017 Harriet Lerner. All rights reserved. (P)2017 Simon & Schuster

I'm sorry

Several years ago I read two or three of Ms. Lerner's books. I moved away from self-help over time and I didn't give Ms. Lerner a thought since then. I know now that I have sincerely missed her wise words!

I am 62 retired, married woman in the Mid West. I really have a pretty small life. I go to knitting, and do a lot of genealogy while listening to Audible. I really don't have the need to apologize for much anymore. Or so I thought.

There is wisdom in this book. Not only wisdom on how to apologize right the first time when it really does matter. But how to live with the apology when you are still emotionally involved. Tough stuff. But words worth listening to.

The vocal fry of the narrator ruins the book

I just finished Dance of Anger, by the same author, Narrated by Barbara Caruso. It was lovely. This review is not about the author, Harriet Lerner PhD, who does a great job. This is about the narrator, Cassandra Campbell, who basically ruined the book. I will mention her name a lot, to very overtly make the distinction that it's this particular narrator, not the author, not the author's other narrators.

Cassandra Campbell, as the narrator, does injustice to the book. The book itself, seems similar to the style of the Dance of Anger. However, the vocal fry is so damn intense it's ruining my experience.

Cassandra Campbell also tries to put British accents on British clients or give different voices to all the different clients even though it's clearly indicated who is speaking. The horrible job she does with the characterization is in part because her accents are terrible; but also, the narrator is clearly not gifted in being able to play 10+ characters vocally in one sitting. It's a hard job, I know people who can (like the late Robin Williams), and the rest can't. For a self-help book, focus on the content, leave the "acting" out.

Cassandra Campbell sounds like a strung out oracle trying to maintain. I think that's the best way I can describe her narration. Her pacing is uneven (some words are slowly drawn out and others are read too quickly but it can happen in the same sentence), with the vocal fry, with half-hearted attempts to individualize characters, and doesn't take pauses between sections, titles, etc. Take the vocal fry and the acting out, and it's like she's just reading with no stopping or pausing.

If the content of the book wasn't so amazing, I would've returned it. I do recommend the PAPER BACK version of the book. The audio is to be avoided at all costs unless someone else narrates it.

3.5 Stars...for one reason

I picked up this Audiobook as Brené Brown has listed it as one of her favorites, and Brené's work has been invaluable in my life. Most of the content is good, but I'm not in agreement on Lerner's thoughts on the topic of forgiveness. While I understand a definition of forgiveness is often misunderstood (or not always agreed upon), I personally believe that forgiveness itself - and not just the emotions that go along with it - is quite important. I see other reviewers have similar thoughts.

All in all, it's a GOOD book, and I've taken notes on what I will want to refer to again. But Lerner's belief that forgiveness isn't necessary isn't something in which I can fully agree. As is, 3.5 stars.

Damn good book

I had no idea how complicated this whole apologising thing actually is. This is pretty essential reading for anyone that has interactions with any other humans or animals or aliens 😳.

Everyone needs to read this!

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I am having all of my clients read this book. It is so helpful in giving vocabulary to the process of giving and receiving an apology. The author uses many personal examples through out the book to illustrate her points, and I saw myself identified in both the helpful and unhelpful apologies. The book has definitely made me mindful of my words, and given me more intentionality in interactions with others. I have enjoyed dialoguing about it with my counseling clients as we workshop through their own situations.

Excellent resource!

Wonderful Insight

I thought I was good at taking responsibility for my behavior and limiting the number of times I have to apologize, however this taught me so many different perspectives about the pain and hurtful behavior or silence of the people who hurt us. We think they have no reason or right to be the a$$ who already made us feel " victimized " yet they are still playing the victim card...really.. This helped me to stop asking why me/ what the hell/what can/should I do or WHY IS HE /SHE TREATING ME POORLY ONTOP OF POOR when I was the one who had betrayed so badly and did the work to be treated as dirt, after being dumped on the first 50 times. I had forgiven and released the resentment and pain from the all my open wounds along time ago however I never had the closure and insight from the other persons pain and resentment towards me. I do think this book gave me the reassurance that this didnt happen to me, it happened for me( in my mind. There crurlty had nothing to do with me necessarily, it was never about me and everything to do with them and their emotional state. Im more empathetic and compassionate bc of my practices and understanding of mindfulness yet this book gave me 85% MORE VIRTUOUS Motivation towards my relationships. Im especially referring to my husband. Bc of this its been my source and its because if this that we are moving back to reunite. It has helped him to soften his heart towards me and for me. I advise anyone in partnership with harbouring resentment towards them to read and listen to this three times and pass it on!!

Loved every minute of it

The narrator is great. The information is so relevant and the examples are great. I took so much from this book and I am looking forward to applying it with my own apologies. It also gave me a sense of peace inside me because it helped me understand the persons that don’t know how to apologize. This book is a must read or listen to. Great information.

Good for Everybody

A well rounded, thoughtful exploration of an often hard to navigate topic. Lerner covers many types of apology and non-apology as well as many wrongs from imagined, to minor, to unforgivable. Many helpful examples of strategies to promote healing are given for both the person apologizing and the injured party.

loved it!

A very insightful look into the art of the apology and understanding human emotion. The route of cultural expectations of forgiveness is fascinating.

very useful to continue the healing process

good narration.

clear communication.

healing and generous toward a real understanding and explanation of what it's like to be human.

Repeat from other books

If you’ve read any other Harriet Lerner books, you will hear a lot of repeats.
Good book but would probably benefit someone who hasn’t read the dance of anger

Extraordinary, transformational!

A life changing book, gentle, packed with wisdom, provoking deep reflection and bringing clarity to previously puzzling situations and behaviors.

Dealing with difficult conversations

Insightful discussion of what to say and how to speak to the hurt caused. No excuses.

I wish I've heard this book years ago!!

I wish I've heard this book years ago!! Highly recommended. Listen to it while painting the house and made the chore a revealing experience :)

def recommend

i started this book to help me move on from a relationship where i didnt get an apology i thought i deserved,but it ended up being very informative ,clarifying lots of things about recieving and giving apologies , worth the readd for sureee

A restricted view of healing potential

I enjoyed the book but found that there were areas where this author simply had ignored or not experienced the power of rounded healing and forgiveness on an intensified journey of self emotions and self forgiveness... followed by outward forgiveness and empowerment.

It was an interesting book but these pages of shortfall really disappointed me sadly.

Great, great, great

Another great book by Harriet Lerner. I’ll be listening many times over- I wish I’d been taught this stuff years ago.

This book is AWESOME!!!

I highly recommend this book. It has helped me a lot to make sense of a bad relationship and broken relation with family members. i have been recommending this book to a few people. I have learnt a lot!!!

Well done and thankyou

This book is fabulous. I love Harriet's work and this one does not disappoint. once you know the difference between a genuine apology and a fake one you won't be able to unknow that. so don't read if you don't want to learn this stuff. lol.