I Don’t Care about Your Band

What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated

By: Julie Klausner

Narrated by: Julie Klausner

Length: 6 hrs and 23 mins

Publisher's summary

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man - good or otherwise - when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.

Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't Care about Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, "TV Funhouse" on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it."

I Don't Care about Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20s doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity.

By turns explicit, funny, and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care about Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.

©2010 Julie Klausner (P)2012 Audible, Inc.

Seriously funny!

Any additional comments?

This is such a true story it almost hurts - yet feels so good at the same time. I know so many women who can relate, including myself, and it's an amazing achievement to manage to write about sex and still make it fresh, true, and relevant. Bravo. More funny, awkward, feminist shit like this, pleeeease!

Bitter Girl Bitches Loud and Hard!

Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

At the beginning I thought I would, and I enjoyed myself until about chapter 5 or 6. After that point, I realized that Julie Klausner would be A LOT funnier and her stories would be much more compelling if she weren't such a one-way BITCH! No, I would not recommend this book to my friends because it was a tiresome account of what was wrong with everyone JK dated (or tried to date) with very little, if any, empathy for these characters; A woe-is-me type tale of all the ways she is smarter than and better than the men she sets herself up for. This, of course, being her one downfall. POOOOR Julie! Uggghhh.

Would you ever listen to anything by Julie Klausner again?

She read well, but I was so irritated by her superiority complex only loosely masked by the theme of "oh, look what losers I choose" that I could barely finish this one.

Could you see I Don’t Care about Your Band being made into a movie or a TV series? Who should the stars be?

No!

Any additional comments?

JK is obviously bright and some of these stories *might* be funny if told differently. They are not really that crazy and none of them are that raunchy except for her language choices. (which don't offend me by any means- it's just funny to see what she says to get a reaction from readers/listeners). She has to try pretty hard to make most of the stories interesting, honestly. I know a ton of women who have much funnier, more interesting, dirtier dating stories... whatever you want. These stories just don't go anywhere!!! She dates boring or "loser-ish" guys and by and large, most of them don't like her that much. The problem is that she is so unbelievably mean, rude and unsympathetic to the characters she describes in her re-telling of the events. Who wants to hear 6 hours of a bitch fest from a girl that needs to do some soul searching before she does more writing? Please, Julie... If you can't have more empathy with your characters before you write about them... let alone (fuck) them or (blow) them, then think about how your poor parents must feel listening to this.

Possibly better than the book itself...

Would you listen to I Don’t Care about Your Band again? Why?

Totally! I came to Julie Klausner through her podcast, which starts with a witty and insightful monologue. In a way, this book feels like her very best and funniest monologues playing one after the other after the other.

What does Julie Klausner bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

I read the book a year or so ago, and enjoyed it to be sure, but her writing is so polished that it almost didn't seem as personal or something. Sort of the way David Sedaris' stories are so sublime but because they are so well told, you lose the sense of his participation in those events. But her reading of her own material about her own life had such feeling behind it. You realize that not only has she crafted a great telling of a story, but she's lived these events too.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

Yes and I very nearly did.

Any additional comments?

I want another ten books from Miss Klausner at her convenience

I laughed, I cried laughing, I barfed

I’m not sure if it is the colorful use of language that gets me on this or the raw tell it like it was story that compelled me to suck in every word. I have recommend this to both my friends at the risk of them asking “are you taking non-prescription drugs?” and have adopted some of the terms Julie uses as my own. (I think I only need to credit the author twice in conversations, that’s right isn’t it?) There are important messages for a blossoming young woman buried beneath the hilarious commentary. I give this book 10/10 rubber chickens and say well done Julie you are actually pretty funny!

Freakin' Hilarious!!

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

I'd definitely recommend this book to any world-weary single friends exhausted from the frustrating front lines of dating.

Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?

Laugh - I also really loved her Gen X pop culture references. Makes you feel as if she's talking to you directly.

Any additional comments?

I will definitely subscribe to her iTunes podcast-she's funny, honest, intelligent and cool.

And I’m a dude

This book was awesome. Wonderful to get the perspective of a lady on just what douchbags guys can be.

Excellently written and superbly performed.

No holding back

I love Julie Klausner, but this was maybe a bit graphic for me? It’s a little too much detail about her sexcapades, but I do appreciate her candor and humor.

Super funny, sad, and SCATHING

I don’t know what took me so long, I love Julie Klausner and all her myriad forms- but I truly loved this book

Shopping for Men at the Wrong Mall

I didn't expect to relate to, like or even enjoy this listen, but, in fact I found it to be off-the-charts entertaining. I knew what to expect on the "raunch meter", so I was not surprised nor offended. There were so many cringe-worthy moments that I became somewhat immune to the literality of description, and just gave in to the laughter and to the voyeuristic captures of Klausner's postcards from the Department of Damaged Men.

I loved reading this book, and laughed out loud most of the time, though I don't find stories of trying to succeed with the most disconnected, unattractive and unavailable men to be encouraging. But I think for some women, this is the way it is, and Klausner writes with the kind of detachment that sheds humor on an otherwise bleak situation. Over the course of her life, she has certainly developed much material.

I have no idea of Klausner's age, but haven't women already given up on having a man at all costs? I think, at least in my universe, partnering should be for enhancement of one's life, and not a liability, with which one must "deal". But many still think that for both economic and social reasons, at all costs, it's better to be a couple and pay the price. If a guy isn't adding to your life experiences, but instead comes with so many workarounds and glitches that must constantly be dealt with, why invest the time? Why complicate things, by bringing in men who disappoint on so many levels, major and minor, and why not simply choose to remain unattached?

I am presumably from an older generation than Klausner, but I could relate to many of the situations she encounters, and to her attempted connections with men that have gone way past their "sell by" date. One gets the impression that there are huge and damaging costs to bringing a damaged man into one's life. There are far worse things than being alone - i.e. having to maintain a "relationship" that is an encumbrance rather than an asset.

And just to satisfy affirmative action, the gender roles could easily be switched, and a similar hilarious romp could be written by a man. But whining and ranting about women is not considered especially "appropriate" in our current cultural climate, and I don't think such whines would sell.

Though I found the circumstances rather extreme in some cases, and couldn't relate to all stories, I still enjoyed reading this, and laughed all the time I was listening.

HILARIOUS!!!

What made the experience of listening to I Don’t Care about Your Band the most enjoyable?

Delicious snark!!!!!! As good as the opening chapters of Gone Girl and almost exactly the same knowing voice--I even thought it was the same narrator. MUCH better than Chelsea Handler. Where has Julie Klausner been all my life?

The description of the Midwestern guy (early in the book) who is missing something in his emotional makeup (compared to people from other subcultures) was the first time I ever heard anyone "get it" as far as the difference in emotional tenor with Midwesterners. I'm originally from the South, so you'd think I'd have little in common with a Jewish woman form New York, but when it comes to emotional expressiveness and tenor I was right there with her when she described the Midwestern guy as "warm with a gust of cold."

The Miss Piggy and Kermit description was right on target, and so original.

This book is not just about dating adventures (like many other books are). This one is far beyond its book-alikes (Chelsea Handler) in that Klausner has very sharp, important, and deep insights. Oh, I can't do it justice. She figures things out that the rest of us have noticed but couldn't quite articulate.

Also, I think she was right on about the two types of women and what kind of fathers they had. This book is piled full of important insights like that.

I will wait on the edge of my seat for anything and everything else Klausner writes.

Who was your favorite character and why?

Klausner herself. Because she wears her heart on her sleeve and thinks that's an OK way to be (unlike the cold and reserved characters who guard their hearts) and she gets bruised and doesn't mind telling us all about it. But much more than that, because she has insight into what happened and can explain it to the rest of us bewildered daters.

What about Julie Klausner’s performance did you like?

I thought it was the same narrator from Gone GIrl, who also has just the right inflection and tone when reading the snarky parts. YUM! Just the right amount of knowingness and snark.

If you were to make a film of this book, what would be the tag line be?

Admit it. You've dated him. Grab your friends and come laugh about it, 'cause they have too.

Any additional comments?

No one should read this in print. Everyone should listen to the audiobook.