Hold On to Your Kids

Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers

By: Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté MD

Narrated by: Gabor Maté MD, Daniel Maté

Length: 14 hrs and 4 mins

Publisher's summary

This parenting classic on one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time—peers replacing parents in the lives of children—is now more relevant than ever. The latest edition includes new material on how social media and video game culture are affecting our children, and what parents can do.

In Hold On to Your Kids, Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Maté explore the phenomenon of peer orientation: the troubling tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction—for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behavior. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; it is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident—as do the solutions.

©2008 Gabor Maté (P)2018 Vintage Canada

Critic reviews

"Hold on to Your Kids blows in from Canada like a Blue Northern, bringing us genuinely new ideas and fresh perspectives on parenting. The authors integrate psychology, anthropology, neurology and their own personal and professional experiences as they examine the 'context' of parenting today. This is a worthy book with practical implications for mom and dad." (Dr. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia and The Shelter of Each Other)

"Hold on to Your Kids is visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of society. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfill their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book, one to be taken seriously, very seriously." (Peter A. Levine PhD, international teacher and author of the best-selling books Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma and It Won’t Hurt Forever, Guiding Your Child Through Trauma)

"The thoughts and perspectives presented by the authors are informative—even inspirational—for those who choose to dedicate their lives and energy to students." (Bulletin of the National Association of Secondary School Principals)

Life-changing

I have my child back. Instead of slammed doors and anger, I now have “please stay” and “can I ask your advice.” Thank you for this permanently life changing book and for helping parents raise loving future parents. Praise built on unconditional love yields permanent bonds with children. This book should be given out to parents upon departure from hospital delivery rooms.

Great overall theme, but a little out of touch

Neufeld and Mate’s overall thesis is one that I agree with - as parents our job is to love our children unconditionally, and family relationships should be the number one priority for our children’s well being. Their suggestions for how to maintain and repair relationships with your kids are excellent, and they gave me a new perspective on how I could be a better mom. It’s already made a difference in my relationship with my kids.

The reason I gave this four stars, though, is that some of the examples the authors give of kids that are “too peer oriented” seem out of touch to me. Children will always be interested in new cultural phenomena, whether it’s music, TV, games or art. It’s normal for kids to want to be “more” than their parents are. Of course parents should put limits on exposure to media, but just because your child has tastes or values that are slightly different than yours doesn’t necessarily mean there is a problem. It would be easy to enter in a panic based on some of the arguments in this book that describe behaviors ALL kids will exhibit at some point.

Overall, absolutely worth the read, focus on the last few chapters that describe how you can improve your relationship with your kids and be a more loving parent.

A must-read book for parents and not only.

It was a bit depressing to listen through the first half of the book where the degradation of peer-oriented adolescents was described. Otherwise a very important book to listen to anyone who is in contact with kids.

A must read

A must read For all parents and educators who work with holders. Profound and insightful.

So good!!!

So so so good! I can’t wait to implement these ideas in my parenting. Every parent should read this book!

Best parenting book

This book is the best parenting book I have ever read. I have 10 children, one that is 18. We recently experienced a very challenging time in our lives and parenting. As I listened, so much of what he said made sense and felt more intuitive. I was still very peer oriented as an adult and did not know the deleterious effects. I have been inspired to be there for my children like never before. I have never experienced this kind of heart change in parenting or seen results so quickly that led to a happier, whole, and healthy family.

One of the best books on parenting tips

Happy to have had the chance to read it! Highly recommend to everyone! Will reread it again sometimes soon!

Great book !

This book has so much information for parents and trying to understand the importance of holding on to your kids from a young age.

Should be read by all parents and educators

This is a phenomenal work on the role of child-parent attachment in todays peer-centered and digitized world, with practical insights on how to apply the ideas in family and school settings. All parents and educators would benefit from this book. If society at large would implement the authors’ recommendations, our world would be a more peaceful and loving place.

This book is a GIFT

My only regret is not finding it sooner. This book spoke to me in every way. I whole heartedly feel the authors have cracked the code. I was able to see parenting in a whole new way. I want to recommend this book to every parent and parent to be, every aunt, uncle, grandparents, teachers, guardians and care takers—EVERY ONE.
As a person who did not have parents, this book helped me understand things about myself as well. It is such a beautiful book.
It’s worth buying and gifting. I will read it again and again.