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Sh-t My Dad Says  By  cover art

Sh-t My Dad Says

By: Justin Halpern
Narrated by: Sean Schemmel
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Publisher's summary

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, 28-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his 73-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

“That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.”

“Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar...Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern’s philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes.

An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny’s, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns’ kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh-t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

©2010 Justin Halpern (P)2010 HarperCollins Publishers

Critic reviews

“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” (Christian Lander, New York Times best-selling author of Stuff White People Like)

Featured Article: The Best Comedy Audiobooks to Get You Laughing Out Loud


It’s no secret that good comedy can lighten our spirits and brighten our lives. So if you’re looking for a hilarious new listen to liven up your work day, hit the treadmill, or unwind with some leisure time at home, we’ve got the list for you. With these listens, you can laugh along with stories from some of the world’s greatest comedians, all delivered with pitch-perfect performances. From personal memoirs to multi-cast recordings, we’ve got the perfect listen.

What listeners say about Sh-t My Dad Says

Average customer ratings
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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Fun and Cute

Perfect book to kill a few hours on a drive or while out shopping. Nothing life altering or challenging here, just a good fun story that will make you laugh out loud.

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Laugh out loud funny!

Simply hilarious. Just had to pass this one on to my friends and family. The audiobook is great, sitcom not so much.

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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Well said!

Almost this entire book had me laughing to the point of tears running down my legs!

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

funny stuff.

absolutely hilarious! I enjoyed every minute of it. . . .. . . . .

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

A laugh a minute

This book made me laugh about every 45 seconds or so. It also has some very solid life lessons as delivered by a blunt but carring father. This is a perfect book for the ride to and from work.

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  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars

Love the Voice

Funny and fun to listen to. I enjoy recordings read by Shaun Shimmel and it's another job well done.

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

Couldn't Stop Laughing

Not everyone will appreciate his Father's style of communication but I laughed till I cried, then laughed some more.

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

heartwarming and hilarious

my husband and I listened to this on a road trip and I cannot recommend it enough! A surprisingly sweet look at honesty and the father son relationship

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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Hilarious!!

I laughed out loud during the entire book!
it was a short read, but I loved it!

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

my next fathers day gift

best book I've ever heard. after hearing this I'm getting this book for my dad for Father's Day

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