It's Not You

Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

By: Ramani Durvasula PhD

Narrated by: Ramani Durvasula PhD

Length: 11 hrs and 31 mins

Publisher's summary

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.

Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.

Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

©2024 Ramani Durvasula (P)2024 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast

“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.”–Maria Shriver

“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic

Radical acceptance! Compassionate approach!

Should be a must read for all trauma mental health industries. Beautiful and compassionate approach to survivors (not victims) of abuse. Helpful, hopeful, and vulnerable.

Powerful Support for victims of Toxic Abuse

Thoughtfully written, succinct yet detailed. If you have toxic people in your life, this is a must read. You will find insightful explanations and helpful strategies to cope and protect yourself from harm.

Best book in narcissism and narcissistic abuse

Dr. Ramini's work, including this book, courageously pushes narcissism and narcissistic abuse into modern psychology and mental health care. Finally, someone identifies, accurately describes, and walks through the experiences of those who have been struggling their entire lives because of these significantly harmful relationship dynamics. My hope is that her work and advocacy of these issues results in better education and practice for counselors, therapists, the legal system, employers, etc., so that those who are affected finally can heal and avoid finding themselves in the dynamics again. Great work, Dr. Ramini! You are making a difference in so many people's lives.

Cant say enough on how good this book is.

Very recommended for people who face antagonistic relationships and narcissistic people. 100% relevant from beginning to the end.

Well written and easy to digest.

Excellent resource for those struggling with Narcissistic people in their life. This book gives straightforward and practical tools to manage the Narc and heal yourself.

Read this book!

This book is amazing and should be read by anyone suspecting narcissistic abuse in their life. It brought up a lot of things I didn’t even realize were part of narcissistic abuse.

exact truth

I thought that I'd heard it all. but no, I learned something new about myself. not my"'person"

Brilliant, life changing!

It provides the answer I have been seeking all my life. Packed with informations that makes a lot of sense. I listen to it over and over....

I needed this

There are times when a book is like a random conversation with a new stranger who, after a few minutes or conversation, you're like "They get me." The majority of conversations, books, articles, research, etc on narcissism, as Dr. Ramani Durvasula mentions, focuses on the narcissist. Oh, the irony! That said, what about those who suffer in narcissistic relationships? What about those who endure narcissistic abuse just to be treated as overlysensitive, too emotional, "the bigger person," to be dismissed as "that's just the way they are," or to be belittled by the community we thought would support us? What happens when the entire community we so cherish is no longer the support system we once cherished?

As I mentioned, this book made me feel that "They get me." I don't have to explain myself only to be mistreated by those I thought were my support system. In some cases, you can walk away. In some cases of narcissistic abuse, you would need to share a version of yourself that sets clear boundaries. In other cases, you may be unable to do any of this, but you can learn to embrace a version of yourself that will empower you in the narcissistic relationship. All of these responses and other approaches will be discussed in this book.

On a personal note, this was good therapy for me. I went through my own struggles with narcissistic abuse where, good to know, I used some methods Dr. Ramani Durvasula mentions in this book. However, there are a lot more tools this book has given me as someone who has been through narcissistic abuse and wants to heal more from it. There were a few times in this book where I had to put it down for a bit because in seeing some of the stories, I saw my own. Knowing there are others whose stories are now validated in the pages of this book is Heaven-sent. Knowing the pain a narcissistic relationship can cause to the emotional, mental, physical, spiritual health of someone is hell on earth. Hopefully, as Dr. Ramani Durvasula emphasizes more lions will begin to share their stories so that the hunter is no longer glorified. Thank you for this book, Dr. Ramani Durvasula. I needed this.

Critical expertise offered here!

I learned new things from this book, having read several about the subject of narcissism, and having
listened to multiple podcasts in the subject for years. This is an excellent book on how to heal and I cannot recommend it enough!