You Are the One You've Been Waiting For

Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

By: Richard Schwartz PhD

Narrated by: Martin LaGrande, Mike Berlak

Length: 6 hrs and 10 mins

Publisher's summary

A groundbreaking approach for practicing courageous love and resilient intimacy—from the creator of Internal Family Systems therapy

Do loving relationships end because couples lack communication skills, struggle to empathize, and fail to accommodate each other’s needs? That’s a common belief within and outside of the therapeutic world… but what if it’s all wrong? In You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, Dr. Richard Schwartz, the celebrated founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, offers a new way—a path toward courageous love that replaces the striving, dependent, and disconnected approach to solving relationship challenges.

The breakthrough realization of IFS is that our psyche contains multiple parts, each with a life of its own. Most problems in relationships arise because we unknowingly burden our partner with the task of caring for our disowned and unloved parts. In this book, you’ll discover essential insights and tools to foster healthy dialogue with your parts and your partner, including:

• How to recognize and disarm the cultural assumptions that create shame, guilt, and isolation in relationships

• The Three Projects—why we fool ourselves into thinking we must change our partner, change ourselves, or give up on true intimacy

• Finding and Healing Exiles—transforming the way our most vulnerable parts influence the way we treat each other

• How to reorient relationship conflicts to help each of us grow toward the Self—the center of our clarity and wisdom

• Courageous Love—building resilient intimacy with each other and our parts to create healthy, lasting partnerships

“No one can do the work of healing our orphaned parts for us,” says Dr. Schwartz. “Yet when we begin with Self-leadership, a relationship can become a safe place in which we help each other heal and grow.” Here is an invaluable guide for therapists and laypersons alike to promote connection, trust, and understanding—within yourself and with the one you love.

©2023 Richard Schwartz (P)2023 Sounds True

Critic reviews

“This profound and readable book provides clear guidelines for therapists and clients alike. In ways that complement my own work, clients learn how to unload the cultural and family burdens that block intimacy by keeping them locked in rigid gender roles. Therapists learn an empowering and practical process for treating couples. I enthusiastically recommend this book to anyone serious about improving relationships in the world today!”—Terrence Real, author of I Don’t Want to Talk about It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage

“This highly original book offers critical new insights into obstacles to the dance of intimacy. Most of us have inner exiled parts that carry burdens of shame and abandonment from our past. These interfere with our capacity for intimacy. Dick Schwartz shows us how to use the exiles our partners trigger in us to find and heal the source—our original attachment injuries. This releases our capacity to be fully alive in relationships.”—Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD, medical director, the Trauma Center, and professor of psychiatry, Boston University School of Medicine

“You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is my relationship bible! The IFS principles and methods shared in this book have offered me direct access to ‘courageous love’ and a greater connection to my husband than I ever thought possible. The book is on my bedside table, and I turn to it as a nightly ritual.”—Gabby Bernstein, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Universe Has Your Back

Ground Breaking

This book was truly a breakthrough. It can be an unconventional way to relating to yourself, but the science is there and so are the results. A must-read (or must-listen!)

Excellent guidelines!

This was very timely for me. Just began a new relationship and I can already see where my parts are fitting in. I loved the idea of trailheads and their invitation to be curious. All of this healing work has been amazing, and it's all practiced in relationships.

ifs

i love that there are prompts/ exercises/ reflection points. i also listened to no bad parts and having all the examples in this book, as they apply actively in partnership, was a helpful next step.

Great IFS Book for Couples

I really enjoyed this book. IFS is a wonderful approach. This should be required reading fro all relationships.

Spot on! Extremely valuable lessons..

I am a counsellor working with IFS with individuals. Highly recommend reading this book for everyone…

Really really ridiculously good relating

This is the best academic resource I’ve listened to on intimacy and relating. The only thing I’ve found better are experiential practices, which aren’t available through a book. We’ll done!

Excellent! May the Self be with you!

Very enlightening and useful approach to cultivating lasting intimacy and connection in all your relationships!

Fantastic

Wonderful to Lauren learn more about IFS in relationship to couples. Most teachings on IFS are related to individual work

Easy to understand and enlightening

This is the therapy that truly heals us. It may not be easy, but this book will get you started on a path to healing and shines the light so you can see the steps in front of you. Even if you can’t.

Treasure

Another fabulous book by Dr Schwartz!! What a gem for therapists and anyone interested in improving their relationship with their partner.