Rules of Estrangement

Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

By: Joshua Coleman

Narrated by: Fred Sanders

Length: 9 hrs and 41 mins

Publisher's summary

A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.

As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his 40 years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.

While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.

©2020 Joshua Coleman (P)2020 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. Rules of Estrangement candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. I’ve seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

“A very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. Over Dr. Coleman’s years of practice, as well as his own personal journey, he has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child’s eyes. It is through that process of compassionate perspective taking [WJ1] that a healing conversation can begin.” (Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)

“Coleman addresses what historians see as a strange paradox: Even as more adult children view their parents as friends rather than mere obligations, psychologists report seeing a wave of parents who have been rejected by their adult children. Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on.” (Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap)

Excellent book for the parent's perspective

The book gives great insight into the phenomenon of parental estrangement, and is an excellent guide for parents whose adult children have estranged them. The author empathizes deeply with such parents.

That being said, the book misses out on showing the adult child's perspective and how parental choices or other incidents can affect them far into adulthood. The book could also have used a chapter on things you can do while your kids are still young to have a better relationship with them in adulthood.

Best book on this topic

This is a thorough and thoughtful book on the painful topic of estrangement. I sometimes agreed and sometimes rejected the info here, but always found the subject thought provoking and insightful. The author does well to describe what I’m feeling as well as giving insight into what my daughter feels and couldn’t exactly vocalize. I end this with more knowledge before, and while maybe not a plan for reconciliation, but a hint of where that would take me if I’m willing to go.

Perspective of both sides

This book is very helpful as an estranged parent . It gave helpful examples of how my daughter may be feeling and eased my pain just a little. We all deserve love, faults and all. And for me the most important thing is that my adult child is happy, even though we are estranged for now, she may need this separated time to find her independence from me in her own way, and that can also be okay.

Knowledge author and therapist!

Very good book! This author is special cause he doesn’t have a biased attitude! I learned a lot and will reread. I already feel better with my daughter’s estrangement., and I’m grateful to this knowledge author/therapist.

The Depth of every word on both sides.

Joshua is BRILLIANT in his understanding of so many complex relationships. Best book I have ever listened to! I will buy it & listen, read & make notes. I'm still in complete shock that he literally had healing advice & gave practical solutions on the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Every person on the planet needs to read this book!

Helpful, informed, compassionate

An excellent overview of how shifting parenting norms and expectations have caused a surge in parent-child estrangement. The author, who was estranged from his daughter for a time, gives specific instructions for writing an abjectly apologetic amends letter. But mostly he counsels radical acceptance since many children will never reconcile. He wants parents to know they deserve to be happy with or without their child.

Good Interpretations and Direction

I enjoyed the topics and learning other ways we can accept and handle the separation of our adult children and grand children. I incorporated some of the ideas and hope they assist in our healing process moving forward.
This book was easy to listen to. It remained interesting with good story lines to tie into the actions or suggestions we could try. If you think the title of the chapter doesn’t match where you’re at, listen to it anyway, you never know what you will learn.

Wonderful

I listened to and rewound some of the audio and loved every minute especially the last chapter. That last chapter where are you describe the state of America today is brilliant. It's been hard and scary watching that happen from the '80s to today. And we don't have to live like this. There are things we can do!

Very quality content to understand empathic conversations with your adult children

Really excellent- albeit emotionally tough - this book provides a detailed experience of young adults and their parents when the threat of estrangement is looming. Strong real life examples and easily adapted strategies for the reader. Thank you for writing this!

Dr. Coleman Gets It

Dr. Coleman really understands the agony of what us parents of estranged kids are going through. Every chapter was fascinating and I found myself saying, "Yep" more than once.

His explanations of why this phenomenon is growing were apt, if alarming.

If you or someone you know is experiencing estrangement, this book is a must-read primer on the entire subject, as seen from both points of view.