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Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves
- Narrated by: JB Burgess
- Length: 2 hrs and 28 mins
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Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves
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Publisher's summary
What would the story of Snow White be like if the princess was an idiot, the evil queen was completely incompetent, and the dwarves, instead of being happy and silly, were instead super gross and mean? The answer: "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves", a comedy short story that is so awesome you'll have to listen to it to believe it.
Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This audiobook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to listen to it. Download Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves now!
The Funny Stories for Kids series, written by Dr. Dexter Dweezel and Professor Parnassus Pallie, is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves is the first in this series, with more to come.
Note: This story is not for babies. It can be crude and has jokes about butts, poo, and drunk people. It also has a bit of cartoony violence. There is no swearing or sexual activity. If this story had a MPGG rating, it would probably be PG, and would be comparable to a modern episode of the Simpsons.
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By: Quentin Kilgore
-
Quite Contrary
- By: Richard Roberts
- Narrated by: Amy Rubinate
- Length: 10 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 112
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 99
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Story4 out of 5 stars 100
The secret of having an adventure is getting lost. Who ever visited an enchanted kingdom or fell into a fairy tale without wandering into the woods first? Well, Mary is lost. Mary is lost in the story of Little Red Riding Hood, and that is a cruel and murderous story. She's put on the red hood and met the wolf. When she gives in to her wolf's temptations, she will die.
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3 out of 5 stars
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A very dark fairy tale.
- By Krista Jasper on 07-02-17
By: Richard Roberts
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Anya and the Dragon
- By: Sofiya Pasternack
- Narrated by: Laura Knight Keating
- Length: 7 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 29
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 23
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 23
Anya and the Dragon is the story of fantasy and mayhem in 10th century Eastern Europe, where headstrong 11-year-old Anya is a daughter of the only Jewish family in her village. When her family's livelihood is threatened by a bigoted magistrate, Anya is lured in by a friendly family of fools, who promise her money in exchange for helping them capture the last dragon in Kievan Rus. This seems easy enough, until she finds out that the scary old dragon isn't as old - or as scary - as everyone thought. Now Anya is faced with a choice: save the dragon, or save her family.
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5 out of 5 stars
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perfection
- By Amazon Customer on 10-26-19
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Big Trouble
- Small Medium, Book 1
- By: Andrew Seiple
- Narrated by: Tim Gerard Reynolds
- Length: 11 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 476
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 430
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 428
Chase Berrymore dreams of adventure, excitement, and getting the heck out of her pastoral halven village. But when adventure finds her, she'll be scrambling to save her family and friends from a necromancer's wrath. Outmatched in almost every way, she'll have to use her wits, charisma, and a bit of divine favor to figure out the path to victory. Even worse, she'll have to figure out ways to deal with the weird and nigh-immortal beings that call themselves "playas"...and she'll have to do it with the most powerful weapon she has available: words.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Great continuation of threadbear-verse
- By Randall on 08-17-19
By: Andrew Seiple
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The Pilo Family Circus
- By: Will Elliott
- Narrated by: Mark Stephens
- Length: 11 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 98
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 91
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Story4 out of 5 stars 92
"You have two days to pass your audition. You better pass it, feller. You’re joining the circus. Ain’t that the best news you ever got?" Delivered by a trio of psychotic clowns, this ultimatum plunges Jamie into the horrific alternate universe that is the centuries-old Pilo Family Circus, a borderline world between Hell and Earth from which humankind’s greatest tragedies have been perpetrated. Yet in this place - peopled by the gruesome, grotesque, and monstrous - where violence and savagery are the norm, Jamie finds that his worst enemy is himself.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Entertaining but unremarkable bit of the lmacabre
- By David on 05-31-14
By: Will Elliott
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Forever Fantasy Online
- Forever Fantasy Online, Book 1
- By: Rachel Aaron, Travis Bach
- Narrated by: Josh Hurley
- Length: 19 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 944
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 856
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 857
In the real world, twenty-one-year-old library sciences student Tina Anderson is invisible and under-appreciated, but in the VR-game Forever Fantasy Online she's Roxxy—the respected leader and main tank of a top-tier raiding guild. Her brother, James Anderson, has a similar problem. IRL he’s a college drop-out struggling under debt, but in FFO he's famous—an explorer known all over the world for doing every quest and collecting the rarest items.
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1 out of 5 stars
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The cover art is great....
- By Johnny Jeppesen on 08-18-18
By: Rachel Aaron, and others
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Fate of the Fallen
- By: Kel Kade
- Narrated by: Nick Podehl
- Length: 12 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 3,955
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 3,620
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 3,609
Everyone loves Mathias. Naturally, when he discovers it’s his destiny to save the world, he dives in headfirst, pulling his best friend, Aaslo, along for the ride. However, saving the world isn’t as easy, or exciting, as it sounds in the stories. The going gets rough, and folks start to believe their best chance for survival is to surrender to the forces of evil, which isn’t how the prophecy goes. At all. As the list of allies grows thin and the friends find themselves staring death in the face, they must decide how to become the heroes they were destined to be.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Interesting but no KDT
- By Jonathan on 03-11-20
By: Kel Kade
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The Henchmen Chronicles Collection, Books 1-5
- By: Craig Halloran
- Narrated by: Alexander Cendese
- Length: 39 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 131
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 116
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 116
Contains the complete Henchmen Chronicles series.
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3 out of 5 stars
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for a credit, why not
- By Daniel on 06-24-23
By: Craig Halloran
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Collecting the Goddess
- By: Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: Andrea Emmes
- Length: 17 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 57
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 48
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 48
What is a billionaire heiress supposed to do when all of her older siblings take to business like her parents, proving that business is in their blood. But not hers? There are many good choices. Unfortunately, Chloe decided that partying was the right one. Now, to keep her money, she’s required to attend daily meetings with the family psychologist - daily meetings about how she must change her present to change her future.
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4 out of 5 stars
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ugh
- By Marie on 07-09-20
By: Michael Anderle
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The Stepsister Scheme
- By: Jim C. Hines
- Narrated by: Carol Monda
- Length: 11 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 113
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 99
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Story4 out of 5 stars 101
What would happen if an author went back to the darker themes of the original fairy tales for his plots, and then crossed the Disney princesses with Charlie's Angels? What's delivered is The Stepsister Scheme, a whole new take on what happened to Cinderella and her prince after the wedding. And with Jim C. Hines penning the tale, listeners can bet it won't be "and they lived happily ever after."
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5 out of 5 stars
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This isn't Disney...
- By Brad on 09-20-12
By: Jim C. Hines
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The Lost War
- The Eidyn Saga, Book 1
- By: Justin Lee Anderson
- Narrated by: Euan Morton
- Length: 20 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 309
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 281
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 278
With a ragged peace in place, demons burn farmlands, violent Reivers roam the wilds and plague has spread beyond the Black Meadows. The country is on its knees. In a society that fears and shuns him, Aranok is the first magically-skilled draoidh to be named King's Envoy. Now, charged with restoring an exiled foreign queen to her throne, he leads a group of strangers across the ravaged country. But at every step, a new mystery complicates their mission.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Holy Cow!
- By Lisa M. Perkey on 05-11-20
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Of Beast and Beauty
- Daughters of Eville, Book 1
- By: Chanda Hahn
- Narrated by: Jesse Vilinsky
- Length: 10 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 819
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 775
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 773
Everyone dreams of marrying a prince - except for me. I am nothing more than a pawn in my adoptive mother's diabolical plot against the seven kingdoms. I was the chosen tool, her sharpened blade that would cut the deepest into the heart of the kingdom of Baist. But like all deadly weapons, my wedding is two-edged sword that could cost me my soul. For I am Rosalie, one of the adopted daughters of Lady Eville, and it is my duty to enter into a loveless and hate-filled marriage with the narcissistic Crown Prince of Baist.
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4 out of 5 stars
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OF BEAST AND BEAUTY
- By 🐺 SCARLET PIMPERNEL 🐺 on 11-08-19
By: Chanda Hahn
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The Sleeping Dragon
- Guardians of the Flame, Book 1
- By: Joel Rosenberg
- Narrated by: Keith Silverstein
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 723
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 661
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 661
It began as just another evening of fantasy gaming with James, Karl, Andrea, and the rest ready to assume their various roles as wizard, cleric, warrior, or thief. But sorcerous gamemaster Professor Deighton had something else planned for this unsuspecting group of college students. And the "game" soon became a matter of life and death as the seven adventurers found themselves transported to an alternate world and into the bodies of the actual characters they had been pretending to be....
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3 out of 5 stars
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A Self Image Cast in Stone Could Shatter
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 10-19-13
By: Joel Rosenberg
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Prodigy of Thunder
- Chronicles of Anna Atticus Stone, Book 1
- By: Sever Bronny
- Narrated by: Moira Quirk
- Length: 24 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 273
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 252
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Story5 out of 5 stars 252
The youngest warlock to ever wield lightning, 14-year-old Anna Atticus Stone dreams of attending the prestigious Academy of Arcane Arts. Except her life is a mess. She's friendless, her older sister keeps knocking her teeth out, and her parents constantly argue.
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4 out of 5 stars
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On the fence
- By Tracey M. Bare on 03-05-22
By: Sever Bronny
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Death Becomes Her
- The Kurtherian Gambit, Book 1
- By: Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: Emily Beresford
- Length: 6 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 2,289
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 2,118
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 2,115
What you thought you knew about vampires and werewolves is wrong...so very, very, wrong. A thousand years of effort to keep the Unknown World hidden is unraveling and the Patriarch is tired. He needs to find someone to take over. He finds Bethany Anne.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Vamp action at its' finest
- By BikeVON on 04-19-17
By: Michael Anderle
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The Sword-Edged Blonde
- By: Alex Bledsoe
- Narrated by: Stefan Rudnicki
- Length: 8 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 2,388
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 2,150
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 2,136
It should have been a case like any other: a missing princess, a king willing to pay in gold for her return. But before he realizes it, private investigator Eddie LaCrosse, a slightly shopworn sword jockey with a talent for discretion and detection, is swept up in a web of mystery and deceit involving a brutally murdered royal heir, a queen accused of an unspeakable crime, and the tragic past he thought he'd left behind.
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2 out of 5 stars
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No Redeeming Qualities
- By MightyMite68 on 09-27-20
By: Alex Bledsoe
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Caverns and Creatures: Volume I (Books 1-4)
- By: Robert Bevan
- Narrated by: Jonathan Sleep
- Length: 32 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,821
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 1,627
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 1,619
Swords. Sorcery. Dick Jokes. Truly do the gods smile upon you, dear listener, for the first four books in the hilarious Caverns and Creatures series are now available in one audiobook set. Join Tim, Dave, Julian, and Cooper as they are thrown into a hostile fantasy world filled with magic and monsters, and ruled over by a cruel and sadistic game master who taunts and harasses them while he sits back and eats their fried chicken.
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5 out of 5 stars
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A great listen, but don't listen while in public!
- By Jonathan on 06-26-19
By: Robert Bevan
What listeners say about Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall1 out of 5 stars
- Anonymous User
- 12-03-21
Awful
I really regret getting this book. the voices are weird. didn't like the story. really regret using my only credit. wish I could trade back
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Snap to it
- 02-07-21
So funny and creative!
The dwarfs, "prince", and overall situation combine to break Lily White's spirit in a hilarious way. This book has songs, battles, and constant jokes.
My favorite characters are Tricky Dwarf and Hunkules.
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2 people found this helpful
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Overall1 out of 5 stars
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Story1 out of 5 stars
- BeLulu
- 08-14-20
Totally inappropriate for children
Really awful with mild violence and prevalent alcohol use. Cheap potty humor because it lacks any actual storyline. Would not recommend to anyone, ever.
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1 person found this helpful