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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men | [Lundy Bancroft]

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men---and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship.
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Publisher's Summary

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men---and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about:

  • The early warning signs
  • Ten abusive personality types
  • The role of drugs and alcohol
  • What you can fix, and what you can't
  • How to get out of a relationship safely

©2002 Lundy Bancroft (P)2011 Tantor

What the Critics Say

"This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs." (Library Journal)

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

4.5 (74 )
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4.6 (63 )
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Performance
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  •  
    Shelly Austin, TX, United States 06-21-12
    Shelly Austin, TX, United States 06-21-12
    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "Gives deep understanding of an illusive problem!"
    Where does Why Does He Do That? rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

    The author speaks from experience, years worth, and you can hear the truth ringing in his words. He uncovers the roots of this problem so you can see them clearly. If you've tried to communicate your experience but just can't seem to find compassion or understanding from others then listen to this book. I have taken huge leaps forward in just a week! This book has stopped the churning wheels of my mind in analyzing and trying to understand my spouse. I moved out 3 weeks ago (before reading this) because I was finally able to focus on finding REST. I could not battle in my home any more. I began seeing my husband as a good guy again right away and was tempted to go right back. This book has given me solid perspective that has helped me see through my emotional response. Sadly, control is not love. Don't suffer alone, listen to this book.


    What other book might you compare Why Does He Do That? to and why?

    I've never found one.


    What about Peter Berkrot’s performance did you like?

    He has a nice authoritative voice.


    What insight do you think you’ll apply from Why Does He Do That??

    It helps tremendously to understand what style(s) of "abuser" my husband is. My mind has stopped constantly searching for understanding. I don't have enough experience or frame of reference to draw good conclusions but thankfully Lundy Bancroft does. Also my emotions were distorting my experiences...ex. "surely, it's not that bad", "doesn't everyone experience this?", "maybe I'm not submissive enough" and on and on. This book is less about giving advice and more about sharing years worth of experience and highlighting commonalities among abusive men. Rather than feeling like your thoughts have been manipulated into thinking a certain way (again) you feel like someone has come along with a big flashlight and helped you see so you can find your way back onto a path of having a healthy sense of self and identity and maybe even health, peace and joy!


    Any additional comments?

    If you have an inkling that there is verbal abuse in your relationship DO listen to this book!

    7 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    L. Atkins PA-radise United States 12-20-11
    L. Atkins PA-radise United States 12-20-11

    River

    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "A must for women to read / listen to!!"
    What made the experience of listening to Why Does He Do That? the most enjoyable?

    Enjoyable? Not so much, informative, YES!!


    What did you learn from Why Does He Do That? that you would use in your daily life?

    Why men are angry and violent and what to be aware of


    6 of 6 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Lauren Southern California 10-27-13
    Lauren Southern California 10-27-13 Member Since 2011
    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "End your confusion and be empowered with knowledge"

    I never give 5 stars for anything as I want to reserve it for books that are truly excellent. Why Does He Do That is one such book. I found myself asking this exact question and so the title of the book drew me in immediately. The author then eliminates the confused state you've found yourself in with every chapter that breaks down why your partner acts the way he does. If your partner or ex partner fits the description of the abusers in the book whether it's physical or non-physical abuse, then the book will explain why you have a partner who resembles Jekyll and Hyde.

    I like how the book lays out a multitude of questions that women may find themselves asking and then answers each one of them as the book progresses. The author is experienced and understanding and it's actually off-putting to hear a man advocate for women's rights so fervently. It's not something you see a lot on society. And it's not about him being an extreme feminist, but him saying everyone has the right to be treated with love and respect and he combats the abuser's perspective resolutely by saying there is absolutely no excuse for their behavior and he describes what that behavior is.

    The author gets into the details of what abuse is because you may not even know that it's happening as the victim or an onlooker. Things we brush off everyday because me telltale signs of abuse. The overall message of the book is that abusers do not change without external pressure to do so and that we need to educate and empower individuals to create a community where abuse is snuffed out as a value society does not tolerate. Because that's really the only way abuse is going to stop. It's a lofty, idealistic goal, but sometimes you have to be lofty, idealistic, educated and resolute in order to influence great change.

    I recommend this book to anyone who just wants another perspective on their relationship. If it feels like something isn't right, you're not happy, you're partner is tears you down, takes things out on you, scares you, threatens you to the point where you feel like you're suffering or walking on egg shells, holding your tongue about things, always questioning how to keep him happy or stay on his good side...then you need to read this book. This may be one situation where thinking about yourself is an absolutely must and being nurturing and understanding is only going to destroy you from the inside out. After reading this, I just felt better not being confused anymore. It's sometimes difficult to explain to people what you're experiencing when you're not even sure. So if nothing else, this book was very healing for me. I'm absolutely sure this book can help other women, especially if they're in a situation that is life threatening or involves children. There's also sections for everyone involved with abusive situations which is why this is a must read! If you're a family member or friend or clergyman or counselor or judge or probation officer--there is something in here for everyone not just the victim. End the confusion and be empowered through knowledge. Five stars!!!!!

    3 of 3 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Ana Pella, IA, United States 07-19-12
    Ana Pella, IA, United States 07-19-12 Member Since 2011
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    "Better than can be described"
    Would you listen to Why Does He Do That? again? Why?

    Definitely! Very rich in information.


    What did you like best about this story?

    The practicality of it.


    What does Peter Berkrot bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

    His voice and intonation took this book to another level.


    If you were to make a film of this book, what would be the tag line be?

    I Got Your Number.


    Any additional comments?

    This is the first and only review that I have ever written...it was that good. I'm also a doctoral level psychologist and the book was right on. It will help many. I am recommending it left and right to my abuse clients...

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    marzenna HANOVER, ON, Canada 08-26-13
    marzenna HANOVER, ON, Canada 08-26-13 Member Since 2012
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    "EYE OPENER"
    Any additional comments?

    Very informative , every woman being should know this book as soon as possible in their life . Especially when they never or very little had received advises from their mothers .
    I wish to have more audiobooks of L.Bancroft as a continuing self education on the subject with exactly the same excellent high quality performance on reading.
    I am lessening the book second time - Superb Job !!
    5 STARS and RISING !!

    1 of 1 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Gail jackson, NJ, United States 09-11-12
    Gail jackson, NJ, United States 09-11-12 Member Since 2011
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    "A true Ah Ha Moment!"

    This is the one true explanation of Why & How he is the way he is, and the real prognosis for change.

    Read it, and throw away everything else that attempts to explain.

    This is the Real Deal.

    1 of 1 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Nadine Fish St. Joseph, MI United States 05-24-14
    Nadine Fish St. Joseph, MI United States 05-24-14

    nadine216

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    "A must read"
    Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

    Yes, it is the best book I have read on abuse. I am therapist and wanted more information to help my clients. It helped me to understand that most abusers do not change and that what they say in therapy is usually a lie.


    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Ansley Heath, TX, United States 04-30-14
    Ansley Heath, TX, United States 04-30-14 Member Since 2013
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    "Amazing"
    What made the experience of listening to Why Does He Do That? the most enjoyable?

    So analytical and true


    What other book might you compare Why Does He Do That? to and why?

    Controlling People by Patricia Evans because it is insightful too


    What about Peter Berkrot’s performance did you like?

    speaks with clarity


    If you were to make a film of this book, what would the tag line be?

    Abuser Exposed


    Any additional comments?

    Amazing Insight and Prime Examples

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Casey East Point, GA, United States 02-21-14
    Casey East Point, GA, United States 02-21-14 Member Since 2011
    HELPFUL VOTES
    5
    ratings
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    "I feel so much better"
    What made the experience of listening to Why Does He Do That? the most enjoyable?

    The thoroughness of the information. He left no type or scenario untouched.


    Who was your favorite character and why?

    My favorite character was the type of abuser I've experienced. Being able to identify him as such and have an better understanding of how he thinks and what I can do to get out was empowering.


    Have you listened to any of Peter Berkrot’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

    Not that I know of.


    If you were to make a film of this book, what would the tag line be?

    Not sure this would be a great film per say but God it would be great if it could be made into some sort of educational video for teens. That would be awesome!


    Any additional comments?

    Get this book to know what you've dealt with, or to avoid what you don't want.

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Corina ISSAQUAH, WA, United States 01-09-14
    Corina ISSAQUAH, WA, United States 01-09-14 Member Since 2013

    Follower of Jesus, mother of two amazing young women, and La La to my sweet sweet grandbaby.

    ratings
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    "WOW a very powerful messages for our daughters."
    Where does Why Does He Do That? rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

    Lundy invites you in to the mind of the Abusive partner. He dispels myths and solidifies facts He describes the different kinds of abuser and why they do what they do, simultaneously delivers a message of hope for the abused and words of encouragement, Anyone who has been the victim or has a loved one that is in an abusive relationship.should read this book it has been a powerful tool in my journey.


    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
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