The Power of Parting

Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement

De: Eamon Dolan

Narrado por: Eamon Dolan

A myth-shattering, inspiring book that combines research, reportage, and memoir to explore the growing phenomenon of estrangement from toxic relatives—showing it not as a tragedy, but as an empowering and effective solution to the heartbreak of family abuse.

After decades of enduring his mother’s physical and psychological torment, after years of trying in vain to set boundaries, Eamon Dolan took a radical step: he cut his mother out of his life. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more contact. Parting with his abuser gave him immediate relief and set him on a path toward freedom, confidence, and joy like none he had ever felt before.

In The Power of Parting, Dolan has written the book he wishes he’d had when he was struggling to free himself from his mother’s abuse. In the process, he discovered how widespread estrangement really is. At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common—and often lifesaving—phenomenon. Even among therapists—the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict—there’s a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers’ grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame.

Drawing on his own suffering and healing, as well as experts’ advice and the testimony of other courageous survivors, Dolan first explains why abuse is much different and more prevalent than we may think, how it harms us in childhood and beyond, and why limiting or eliminating contact might be our best possible choice. Then, he walks readers through the steps of a successful, positive estrangement: how to take crucial time for yourself; how to make sure no one can gaslight you into minimizing or forgetting; how to set rules for your abuser and—if they can’t or won’t respect your limits—how to end a toxic relationship. He also offers valuable counsel on how to ease the guilt and grief that often accompany parting, and how to break the cycle of abuse that was likely passed down to you through many generations.

With a convincing blend of clarity and empathy, Dolan encourages others to do what he ultimately did for himself: determine whether the people in your life treat you with the care and concern you deserve—and part ways with them if they don’t.

For the Abused and Fortunate

The last sentence of this book made me cry as I hope to one day hear my daughters tell me I was a good mom in spite of the psychological and emotional abuse I endured for nearly 40 years. I really needed this book. It gave me hope for a healthier future, courage to reach out to my father and perspective on what I deserve in regard to my mother. This is a book I’ll recommend to everyone. I suspect many adults are walking around with trauma and possibly unknowingly inflicting our pain onto others. Well done Eamon! Bravo!

An important message, but only one person's story

This author is extremely brave for sharing his story. As a fellow sufferer, I do find it extremely helpful to hear, in detail, what someone like me went through, so I genuinely thank him. I also agree with the fundamental message: abuse is abuse and it is not okay. We live in a society where it is perfectly acceptable, and indeed encouraged, to leave an abusive spouse. In fact, there is probably less support for people who stay with abusive spouses than those who leave them. Yet, somehow, if we "leave" our abusive parents, we are horrible people, or the fault is ours, etc. That needs to change. We are also continually told that setting up "boundaries" will help us, where most abusers simply will not tolerate any boundary except cutting off all contact. However, I think that ultimately this should be taken as one person's memoir, not an objective guide for all. The author clearly was hurt incredibly deeply by his mother and I don't think can be completely objective. This is most concerning to me when it comes to mental illness. He specifically separates Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorders (NPD or BPD) from addiction. He says addiction is different because it is an illness. Yet, NPD and BPD are also illnesses. And, just like addiction, it is a combination of personal choice, history of abuse and/or neglect, and disease that lead addicts, NPD, and BPD people to be abusive. That does not really make a difference for what the abusee does, but I think it should make a difference in how we think about these abusive people. They are not horrific devils who make a conscious choice to hurt others, knowing full well what they are doing. They are deeply ill, broken individuals. Again, that doesn't mean we treat them any differently, but I do think we can at least view and speak about them with more nuance and compassion; it is their behavior we hate, not their core person. I also think it's worth exploring what the word "forgiveness" means. "Forgiveness" in our society tends to be conflated with reconciliation. If we "forgive" a spouse, for example, we return to a close relationship with them. But reconciliation only works when the person who committed the wrong is truly sorry and repentant. Since abusers are rarely either, forgiveness is not about reconciling. Rather, forgiveness is about freeing ourselves from their snares. They cannot fight us if we see the fight for what it is and no longer participate. This is a pretty hard place to get to (I am definitely not there yet), and cutting all or most contact is usually the only path, but forgiveness in its truest sense is still worthwhile. And this true forgiveness, I think, is what might allow us to be the person who comes to a parent's physical (not emotional or psychological) aid when they are in their last years, which I personally think is the only thing we do owe them for doing the same for us in our infancy.

Illuminating!

Brilliant examination of estrangement and deeply moving memoir. What a writer, and thinker, Eamon Dolan.

Where was this book 30 years ago?

I am stranded from my mother, after years of mostly psychological abuse. I cut ties, because I didn't want my daughter to experience a sliver of her abuse. This book is perfect for someone trying to free itself from the vicious cycle of parental abuse; it is a challenging read (listen) but you'll be better for it in the end

Empowering as a survivor of childhood emotional neglect and abuse

The best book to read after the advice in all other boundaries books have not worked for you to deal with toxic family members. Informative via research and emotional via personal experiences.