How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

By: Jancee Dunn

Narrated by: Jancee Dunn

A hilariously candid account of one woman's quest to bring her post-baby marriage back from the brink, featuring life-changing, real-world advice.

“Preserve the greatest gift you will ever give your baby: a loving relationship between the baby's parents” —John Gottman, clinical psychologist and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids tackles the last taboo subject of parenthood: the startling, white-hot fury that new (and not-so-new) mothers often have for their mates. After Jancee Dunn had her baby, she found that she was doing virtually all the household chores, even though she and her husband worked equal hours. She asked herself: How did I become the ‘expert’ at changing a diaper?

Many expectant parents spend weeks researching the best crib or safest car seat, but spend little if any time thinking about the titanic impact the baby will have on their marriage—and the way their marriage will affect their child.

Enter Dunn, her well-meaning but blithely unhelpful husband, their daughter, and her boisterous extended family, who show us the ways in which outmoded family patterns and traditions thwart the overworked, overloaded parents of today. On the brink of marital Armageddon, Dunn plunges into the latest relationship research, solicits the counsel of the country's most renowned couples' and sex therapists, canvasses fellow parents, and even consults an FBI hostage negotiator on how to effectively contain an “explosive situation.” Instead of having the same fights over and over, Dunn and her husband must figure out a way to resolve their larger issues and fix their family while there is still time. As they discover, adding a demanding new person to your relationship means you have to reevaluate—and rebuild—your marriage. In an exhilarating twist, they work together to save the day, happily returning to the kind of peaceful life they previously thought was the sole province of couples without children.

Part memoir, part self-help book with actionable and achievable advice, How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids is an eye-opening look at how the man who got you into this position in this first place is the ally you didn't know you had.

Recommended by Nicole Cliffe in Slate
Featured in People Picks
A Red Tricycle Best Baby and Toddler Parenting Book of the Year
One of Mother magazine's favorite parenting books of the year

Critic reviews

"Drawing from her own life, journalist Dunn offers up a hilarious-and actually useful!-take on the lopsided division of labor that bedevils many a marriage post-baby."—People, People Picks

"The book is steeped in sociological and scientific research on how men's and women's roles have changed (and not) in family life, and it's also hilarious. As Dunn and her husband take a bumpy ride through therapy, research and in-home experiments in an effort to make their family life equitable and peaceful again, you'll learn a little, and laugh a lot."—The Seattle Times, best books of 2018

"Dunn's writing is effortless and chatty.... The book is compassionate and reasonable.... This book would make a far more practical shower gift than, say, yet another organic cotton receiving blanket. Babies grow up fast and require less stuff than we usually buy them; we adults are the ones that keep growing."
—Jezebel

"Part memoir, part self-help book, Jancee Dunn's How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids offers relationship research combined with personal anecdotes. Strategies learned from therapists, friends and even an FBI hostage negotiator help Dunn heal her marriage--and set a good example for her kid."
—Real Simple

"How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids," is equal parts romp and eye-opener, as she [Dunn] tackles relationship self-help from every angle-and through many experts and therapists. A few chapters in, one goop staffer had already photographed a dozen pages to send to her spouse."—Goop

"Jancee Dunn blends marital advice from real experts with her down to earth folksy wit in Hot Not To Hate Husband After Kids. If your husband has a better relationship with his phone than he does with his baby, you need to hit him with this book--and then ask him to read it."
—Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat

"I already knew I loved my husband, but Jancee Dunn's book makes me realize how much I owe it to my kids to love their father harder and more visibly. And maybe to take a big timeout the next time I want to run over his pipe collection with my jog stroller."
—Faith Salie, author of Approval Junkie

"Readers familiar with Dunn's honest and humorous writing will appreciate the behind-the-scenes look at her own semi-messy family life, and those who need guidance through the rough spots can glean advice while being entertained.... A highly readable account of how solid research and personal testing of self-help techniques saved a couple's marriage after the birth of their child."
—Kirkus

Must listen for all new parents

I downloaded this book after an argument with my husband. He told me he was going to go outside and start the grill and didn’t come back for two hours. Meanwhile, I was inside entertaining our ten month old and growing ever more resentful. Why was I the default caregiver while he came and went as he pleased? When I complained, he wanted to know why I didn’t ask for help? And in return, I wanted to know why I had to ask.

This book goes into all of that and more. I downloaded it the next morning, took the dog for a walk, and peed my pants laughing about a mile from my house. Darn those pelvic floor issues. Since then, I’ve recommended it to all my friends and my nine month pregnant sister who is already complaining about her husband.

This book is not about bashing men. It could be re-titled “How Not to Hate Your Partner...” It helped me understand how I was contributing to our issues as new parents through poor communication and the inabiiity to communicate my needs. There is lots of actionable advice within the content, and I appreciated the mix of anecdotes and research.

Every mom needs to read this!

I’m a psychotherapist, so I have learned a lot of self-improvement information already. But this author definitely helped me improve my relationship and have major realizations and breakthroughs.

Marriage after kids is such a specialized and neglected topic in my opinion. It’s not just about marriage, but the added challenges to the marriage relationship itself after having kids. I’ve recommended this book to all my mom friends, to be moms, and clients.
I love her humor and writing style too. Well done Jancee!

Read it anyway

Even if you don’t love the title and even if your kids are teens like mine, read it anyway. Very helpful, practical and immediately implementable suggestions will bring more peace to your house and yourself, if you are anything like me - which is to say - human and in a relationship.

The Best!!!

Hilarious and entertaining, all while pulling in actual science and research, this book is the best! I may listen to it over and over again. The author could be a comedian. I laughed out loud several times! I feel like my feelings towards mg significant other are already improved after listening to this book, even without putting anything into action yet! It helped me to know I am not alone, and I somehow already feel more compassionate towards my partner and “thankful” for him. :)

A much needed callout to me and other guys

I loved Jancee’a voice and unapologetic request, tampered with her own humility, and her husband’s willingness to also put this book out there. Both shared deeply personal struggles that more than a few would care to admit they relate with (myself included).