Things people tell me

The unauthorized autobiography of Donald J. Trump

By: Anon E. Moose

Narrated by: Virtual Voice

Length: 5 hrs and 41 mins

Publisher's summary

Go deep inside Donald Trump's "very, very large brain" for a tongue-in-cheek look at the events that shaped his Presidency, from his bromance with Kim Jong Un to Trump single-handedly saving the U.S. Armed Forces from ruin by ordering more bullets. This humorous and fictional "unauthorized autobiography" sheds behind-the-scenes light on these and other seminal events from his chaotic term as Dotard-in-Chief, as his BFF Kim calls him in the love letters they share. Read about Trump's views on KellyAnne Conway: I like KellyAnne. She’s got long blonde hair and a trim body, and from a distance she looks really hot. Then when she gets close, it's like the disappointment you felt after waiting three years for "The Empire Strikes Back." You're glad you saw it, but it's not worth seeing again. When Kellyanne starts talking, I have a bad habit of tuning her out and imagining her standing sixty feet away from me, walking in the other direction. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Although with KellyAnne, it’s the second impression that hurts more. On Winning: After my unbelievable landslide victory, the Democrats comforted themselves with the knowledge that Hillary Clinton had won the popular vote. That’s what you call a moral victory. Moral victories are for losers. Give me an immoral victory any day of the week. I cheated on all of my wives. Each time they dumped me I married someone hotter and younger. Win. I cheated to get out of going to Viet Nam, and now I’m Commander-in-Chief. Win. I cheat at golf so much the caddies call me Pele because I love to kick my ball out of the rough. Win. I cheat on my taxes over and over. Only losers pay taxes. And I’m not a loser. Just ask Hillary. On evangelicals: I lie, cheat, steal, bully, threaten, curse, call women terrible names and make fun of their looks, rip babies from the arms of their mothers, lock up children, make racist statements, demonize all Muslims, cozy up to dictators and undermine our national security on a daily basis, and those people couldn’t care less. As long as I rail against abortion and brown-skinned foreigners and appoint conservative judges, they’ll support anything I do, regardless of how many porn stars I bang or women I assault. I’ve turned the Moral Majority into the Moral Equivalency. On lying: My goal is to get to 20,000 lies before the end of my first term. As I told those Boy Scouts that day, you can achieve anything when you put your mind to it. I’m going to set the record so big no one will ever top it. Future presidents won’t even try to break my record because they’ll know it’s impossible. It will be the signature achievement of my administration. I want it etched on my tombstone: "Here lies Donald Trump, the lyingest President in United States history." Then I'll have them bury my body in an unmarked grave somewhere else so even my headstone will be a lie. On his relationship with Kim Jong Un: I had never received a love letter from a man before. But Kim Jong Un is not just any man. He's a round mound of repression. A not-so-lean killing machine. The dictator you love to hate. The contestant I could never fire. He gets me. The first letter arrived on Valentine’s Day. It came in a big pink envelope with beautiful writing on the outside, addressed to Dotard-in-Chief. I knew right away who sent it. Kim. My BFF. Read about Trump's takes on other topics, including techniques for comforting the survivors of natural disasters (think paper towels, lots of paper towels), the media, how to ask foreign leaders for favors, how months of trying to catch COVID finally paid off, his ham-handed attempts at pulling off an October surprise, how many sets of White House silver fit in one of Melania's suitcases, how he aced his performance review with Vladimir Putin, and the different phases of the President's annual physical exam(s). This book is the perfect memento of four years we'd all like to forget.