Yes, it's true, the man who left me my time traveling watch was my dad [DUN DUN DUNNNN]. Now for those of you who aren't listening week to week and accidentally saw this synopsis before you watched the previous episode, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish right now for getting such a great mystery spoiled. Let this be a lesson for you that I am most definitely going to spoil previous episodes in my synopses, and why are you even reading the synopsis of a future episode? That's really weird. Anyway, the guy claims to be my dad but I need proof before I call him daddy, so he shows me proof by taking us back to when he met my mother.

After future me got touched by Jesus in a totally appropriate way, he decided he was ready to move on with his life and start a family, which was totally great for him, but kinda sucked for me because I lost my best friend. Losing myself made me contemplate the big questions in life, like who left the time traveling watch behind the dumpster. And so, I set out to discover the greatest mystery of my life!

Yes, it's true, I had wild sex with a Native American who was most definitely not super old, and it was awesome! All in all, my trip to Plymouth Plantation was a success, seeing as how I got a free meal and had some wild sex. But after the debauchery that took place in Puritan times, future me and present me felt like we needed to cleanse our soul, and so we decided to go back and meet Jesus.

Finally, Alvie was brought to justice! Now, I know abandoning someone back in Ancient Pompeii before a volcano wipes out the entire town might sound cruel, but you gotta remember, this guy abandoned me on the Titanic...AND, his name's Alvie! ALVIE!! Anyway, even though we made our nemesis pay for his betrayal and we could've just gone home to watch iCarly, me and my future self still wanted to enjoy the very first Thanksgiving meal and also, make sweet, passionate and unselfish sex to the hot pilgrim. And so, we returned to Plymouth Plantation!

It was time. Time for us to go back to the very first Thanksgiving and get my watch back from Alvie. Yes I know, it meant I had to go back to colonial America AGAIN, but despite the time period sucking, I was looking forward to a great meal and Alvie's great reckoning. Spoiler alert: I wind up getting my watch back...oh you don't like spoilers? Then why're you even reading these synopses?

OMG, my future self who was 10 years older came back and rescued me from a miserable life being trapped in the past. And, if I may say, I was looking quite hot in my middle age. Me and myself wanted to do nothing more than bring Alvie to justice and reclaim my time traveling watch, but we both decided that first, we should go to a club and pick up a hot lady!

Well, I was screwed. Not only was I stuck on the Titanic as it hit an iceberg, but I was also feeling super emasculated being held down by the two Alvies and getting my time traveling watch stolen from me. But all was not lost. I could still find a way to survive this whole ordeal, but in order for me to somehow get back to the present, I would first need to get on a lifeboat. But how...

Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds. It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic. This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now. Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter? Yes. Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old? No. Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis? Yes.