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In this episode, Brian reads chapter 4, which details his back to back relationships with abusive narcissists. He describes the lovebombing that began both of those relationships, the trauma bonds that kept him stuck and the powerless way the relationships ended. Sex, power and shame were all at play, contributing to the dysfunction and despair he experienced during those two marriages.

In this episode:

00:02:17 Relationship Beginnings - Love Bombing 00:06:12 Abuse 00:09:47 Trauma Bonds 00:12:45 How Trauma Bonds Form 00:16:16 Cognitive Dissonance -Self Gaslighting 00:19:39 Shame and Fear 00:21:43 Relationship Endings

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If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

In this chapter, Brian reflects on his struggles with codependency, which hindered his ability to form genuine connections with others. As a child, he learned to prioritize others' needs over his own, leading to a fragmented sense of self and difficulty understanding his emotions. As he navigated adolescence, he experienced sexual shame and a sense of unworthiness, further isolating him socially. He ended up passively accepting relationships with individuals who were also struggling emotionally, which often turned abusive.

A unique friendship with E, who shared similar struggles, provided safety but also enabled codependent behaviors. Reflecting on the friendship, the Brian acknowledges the complexity of their dynamic and the limitations of his codependent responses. Despite the challenges, the relationship taught him the value of intimate connections, planting a seed that would influence his understanding of healthy relationships in the future.

He then explores the many damaging relationships he has had with narcissistic individuals, highlighting the connection between codependency and narcissism, both stemming from trauma responses. While codependents seek safety by pleasing others, narcissists demand validation and entitlement. Narcissistic behaviors include grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of accountability. Brian's codependent tendencies made him susceptible to narcissists, excusing their abusive behavior. Different types of controlling behaviors are examined, with codependents managing emotions and narcissists asserting dominance aggressively.

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In this chapter, Brian discusses the connection between trauma and his codependent habits. His experiences, including childhood dynamics and an early, abusive friendship are explored as sources of trauma, shaping his behaviors and triggering ingrained responses to threats - specifically freeze and fawn.

Brian’s journey of navigating trauma extended beyond physical safety to encompass emotional survival strategies. Amidst consistent fear and shame at home and with his childhood friend, emotional avoidance developed as a coping mechanism. Through dissociation and compartmentalization, painful emotions were suppressed and buried, leading to a solitary and chaotic inner life. While these strategies initially offered relief, they ultimately perpetuated Brian's emotional turmoil, as the unresolved emotional pain continued to escalate, fostering a cycle of isolation and dysfunctional relationships.

In this episode:

00:01:07 What is Trauma? 00:03:13 New Layers of Trauma 00:05:58 Threat Responses 00:09:39 Emotional Trauma 00:14:27 Emotional Avoidance

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