The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy

Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go

By: Lola Phoenix, Kathy G. Slaughter LCSW - foreword

Narrated by: Lola Phoenix

Embarking on a non-monogamous relationship can be a daunting experience, opening old wounds that cause anxiety, fear, and confusion, something Lola Phoenix knows about all too well.

In this all-you-need-to-know guide to exploring non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships, Lola draws upon their years of experience in giving advice and being non-monogamous to provide guidance for every stage of your journey, helping you to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing along the way.

Beginning with advice on starting out—such as finding your anchor, figuring out your personal reasons for pursuing non-monogamy, challenging your fears and practicing self-compassion—the book proceeds to cover the emotional aspects of non-monogamous relationships, including dealing with jealousy and judgement, managing anxiety and maintaining independence, as well as practical elements such as scheduling your time, negotiating boundaries, and managing your expectations, all accompanied with activities for further exploration.

Whether you are new to non-monogamy, or have been non-monogamous for years, this insightful and empowering book will provide you with the emotional tools you will need to live a happy non-monogamous life.

©2022 Lola Phoenix; Foreword copyright 2022 by Kathy G. Slaughter (P)2024 Tantor

Mixed up Jealousy and Envy

So far I am finding this book pretty good. The author is describing multiple things that’s I feel go unrecognized or minimized in non monogamy discussions that some people can really benefit from hearing described.

However, I take issue with the idea that jealousy is “however you define it for yourself”. while it’s true that we are the authorities on identifying our own emotions, there’s is a fundamental difference between jealousy and ENVY that are crucial to be mindful of. They are NOT the same thing. Jealousy is a feeling you have about something you already possess. Envy is for something you do not possess. Hence the phrase “jealously guard”, which brings to mind the image of Ebenezer Scrooge or a dragon on its horde. These are jealous feelings. We would not say “enviously guard”, but we would say “to eye with envy” which conjures the image of one looking outwards at something out of reach or joyously possessed by another. The evil eye is meant to guard against ENVY, not jealousy. They cannot be conflated.

The persistent failure in distinguishing between these two emotions and their associated impulses is, in my opinion, terribly obfuscating to the discussion of feelings around monogamy, non monogamy, insecurity, threats to stability, etc.