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Publisher's Summary

Why is love between men and women so difficult? In this groundbreaking new book, best selling author Terrence Real analyzes the crisis in intimate relations, a crisis that has lasted more than a generation, yielding divorce rates of 40 to 50 percent. Our culture prepares us to fall in love, but it does not give us the skills we need to stay in love. Here Real offers a radical new vision of love and the practical tools with which to achieve it.

The current crisis is a product of changing gender roles, Real explains. In the past 30 years, women's roles have changed radically and men's have not. For the first time, adult women are asking their partners to access the very skills - emotional sensitivity, expressiveness, responsibility - that most men have had stamped out of them as boys. Patriarchal culture does not raise boys to be intimate; it raises them to be competitive performers. At the same time, girls are taught to be compliant and accommodating. The result is that men feel bewildered and unappreciated while women feel unheard and resentful. Conventional therapy, which reinforces "traditional" male roles, has failed. The demand for intimacy in marriage must be met with new skills.

Real draws on myth, literature, film, and heartrending stories of the men and women he treats to illustrate his compelling analysis. Breaking taboos about love, marriage, and passion, Real not only reconstructs gender roles but also shows that patriarchy's idealized model of love is impossibly flawed. He teaches partners to replace it with a love that acknowledges imperfections, and he then provides five Core Relational Skills designed to help every couple reach their full potential. Innovative, powerful, and eminently helpful, How Can I Get Through to You? is the book that every couple has been waiting for - and our culture needs.

©2002 Terrence Real, All Rights Reserved; (P)2002 Simon & Schuster Inc., SOUND IDEAS Is an Imprint of Simon & Schuster Audio Division, Simon & Schuster Inc.

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  • Story

Profound - for Men and Women

Any additional comments?

A real eye opener, spirit shaker for me. Only wish I'd heard and known 20 years ago. Not all specifics are totally in alignment with my experience (and failures) but the vast majority are. Am grateful for getting it when I did. The authors description of the dynamics may be intuitively known, but are presented in a fashion that resonates and gives substance to how they are created, allowing those with inhibited awareness to see more clearly (and get it at the core).

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Ileana
  • Ft. Pierce, FL 34982
  • 08-04-05

How Can I Get Through to You?

Through the years we've tried couples counseling (3 different therapists), many books, and more, never feeling it helped all that much in the long run. So when I started this you could say my expectations were realistically in check. To my great surprise, this book blows everything we've tried out of the water - it's more spot on where the complexities of trying to relate are concerned than I can describe. And I see it's use for more than a love relationship, all one's relationships can benefit from this information. We are looking for someone in our area who uses "Relational Therapy" (the approach of the author) as we are convinced that this may just be something that works!

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

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  • Celeste
  • Houston, TX, USA
  • 02-28-06

incredible

Terrence Real says it like it is. I'm a graduate student in family therapy, and I recommend this book to my professors and fellow students. It's been incredibly helpful in my relationship with my husband.

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

  • Overall

Great book

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and found it very helpful. Read everything you can by this author if you are working on your marriage.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Michael
  • atlanta, GA, USA
  • 03-21-07

i will never see things the same

Terrence Reale shares some of the deepest most profound influences western society puts on men and woman from birth. These influences sow the most persistent and damaging seeds of discontent in men and women by setting unrealistic(and sometimes dangerous)expectations that only the most motivated can overcome. This is a clear case where the audio book must be superior to the printed version; you can really feel the level of compassion he has for his subjects, which includes his readers. The author does an excellent job delivering on his mission to help us see how we have been unintentionally set up by our mothers, fathers, coaches and society to fail in our relationships and marriages. The author does this somehow without blame or guilt..a must for anyone wondering how relationships unravel even when we think we are doing the right thing.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Amy
  • Salem, WI, USA
  • 07-23-04

Both Men and Women need to hear this!!!

This book are truly opened my eye's to help me understand that what I want from my marriage is not just a dream, but can be reality. My husband is suffering from depression and is now trapped behind walls of emotional and verbal abuse suffered during his childhood. Listening to this book and reading Real's other book, "I don't want to talk about" have giving me an understanding of not just what my husband has gone through, but why I long for emotional connection with him. I believe that all men should listen and discuss this book to gain complete understanding as to what "connection" really is and how it will effect them for the rest of thier lives. Woman NEED to read this to gain an understanding as to why they may feel crazy at times and why thier partners WILL NOT "hear" them. I pray that this book will give my husband and other men courage to face the cultural norm and change it for our future. As for women, don't stop using your voice just learn how to relate with it.

3 of 4 people found this review helpful

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  • Story

Practical and true today

Such good information and accurate in today's relationships.
A little hard to listen to his voice but once you get started you will be drawn in to what he has to say.

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incredible therapist

I simply listen to this book over and over, taking in all of the nuance perspectives and lessons.

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easy to understand relationship complications.

great background infomation of relationship theory. but lacking enough couple example to help with real life applications.

  • Overall

Real Stuff! (Pun intended)

By my measures, this is, quite simply, the best couple's therapy book I've ever read. Erudite and contextual, Terry Real nevertheless offers direct and personal courage to help guide us on our own winding way. Points out the elephants in the room that we've been insisting are just old hatracks. Profound.