In Episode 230, the betrayed parter of a porn/sex addict submitted her situation and some questions to PBSE surrounding the CRITICAL issue of "restitution." Here's how she expressed it—

Over the course of our 25 year long marriage, my husband had two emotional affairs, a decade and a half long porn addiction and a 2 year long physical and emotional affair with a coworker. I was completely blindsided—no inklings or gut feelings. It has been brutal but we are working hard to heal. He has been in honest recovery for a little over a year. He has been through the 12 Steps and worked with our ecclesiastical leader. Both have encouraged some form of restitution. Obviously, he can’t unsee all the porn and undo all the selfish, hurtful things he did and said to me. I have asked him what restitution looks like (or means) for him. He said it was to try and become his best, highest self that God intends him to be —living wholeheartedly and try to not cause anymore suffering in the world. Is that restitution? Is working on yourself to be a better human and husband the same as making restitution? It seems like that is what he should’ve been doing - independent of me - all along. If that isn’t restitution—then what is? How do you make restitution for serious betrayals?

In this episode, Mark & Steve get SUPER passionate, raw and real about this issue!

• Let’s Talk Restitution for a Minute:
  • Sexual betrayal in a relationship is like a major "robbery"! Why and how?
    • Restitution IS—
      • A demonstration of contrition
      • A FULL (as much as possible) RESTORATION of WHAT WAS STOLEN:
        • Innocence
        • Hope
        • Connection
        • Trust
        • Time
        • Commitment
        • Fidelity
        • Her ENTIRE ESSENCE
    • Restitution is NOT—
      • Something the addict determines
      • Doing the things that you should have done all along—getting to the “starting line” that she thought she had and you promised in the beginning, such as—
        • Proactively connecting—being FULLY present
        • Making and Keeping COMMITMENTS
        • Providing exclusivity
        • Pursuing your partner RELENTLESSLY
• How does a porn/sex addict in recovery actually provide restitution following betrayal?
  • Creatively and Proactively, he does the following—
    • Inquire: what have I stolen from you? Her narrative, NOT YOURS!
    • Communicate: Sincere, complete apologies, including commitments for long-term change and consistent follow-through. Provide ONGOING empathy where needed.
    • Provide potential ideas for restitution: come up with a list, show how YOU (not her) are going to sacrifice to make these changes.
    • Collaborate with her: Share your ideas, humbly ask for feedback, and make consistent ongoing change as necessary.

In Episode 229, Mark & Steve answer some very TOUGH questions asked by a partner seeking to heal from the betrayal trauma caused by her porn/sex addicted partner. Here's what she sent in to PBSE:

Do I just have to accept he can never be faithful? That an addict will always be an addict so he will always have to fight the want of others? There will always be temptation but recovery means being able to face it and not let it overpower? I don't want that. I don't want urges and triggers just fought off. I want them gone. If they will always exist, the addiction will always exist that says to me he will always have a want for others, a want for more. It says he can never be truly faithful. That I cannot be his only desire. I cannot be enough for him. So in staying, I just have to accept that?

First, we have SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR THIS PARTNER!!! We always ask, “What is under these heart-felt expressions; this pain? What are betrayed partners asking for at the deepest levels?

• What they were promised in the beginning!
  • To be desired, pursued, exclusive, CHOSEN!
  • To KNOW who THEY are choosing–full honesty and transparency
  • To be SAFE and not endlessly have to be hyper-vigilant, on-guard, watching to see what he’s watching, keeping track of him . . .
  • To NOT be in a COMPETITION for his attention, affection, desires, loyalty, faithfulness, etc.
• Does a Partner simply have to accept that he will always be one-step-away from betraying her again???
  • What is “temptation” and living in the real world? What is NORMALCY?
  • W/hat is “Addiction” and how does it “rewire the brain”?
  • Can an addiction brain be truly “rewired” to a healthy, faithful state? What does that mean? How long does it take?
• What is “real recovery”?
  • Treating the symptoms–”getting sober”
  • Exploring and addressing the “underlying core issues”
  • Maturing, evolving and learning HOW to have a healthy relationship and a healthy life!
  • LEARNING the lessons that the addiction showed up to TEACH so you can move forward in healthy living!
• How do you reconcile “He can ONLY be sober today” with never having hope of anything changing—always having to be hyper-vigilant and wait for the “shoe to drop”? All ANY of us have any control over is ME and TODAY! There are NO guarantees. We know where this desire comes from, but it is not living life on life’s terms.
• So, where do you go from here?
  • Investing in YOURSELF and YOUR POWER while he is doing the same thing. And then coming together to COLLABORATE on this!
  • But WHAT ABOUT . . . . .???!!!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 228, Mark & Steve get SUPER passionate talking to the partners of porn/sex addicts! Over the past several weeks, PBSE has received a number of heart-wrenching submissions by listeners who are partners falling and drowning in the overwhelming intensity of betrayal trauma and being in a relationship with a porn/sex addict.

Unfortunately, in all of these submissions, the porn/sex addicted partner is choosing to come at the whole issue with one or more of the following—denial, gaslighting, minimizing, blaming, secrecy, trickle-truths, etc. Mark & Steve get raw and real in addressing these CRAZY HARD situations—

- Let’s talk about all the various ways that this whole "porn/sex addiction betrayal" can blindside a partner and UNRAVEL into FAR more than the betrayed partner was ready for or prepared to take on. WHY does this quickly place betrayed partners into a state of feeling like they're hopelessly falling and drowning?!

- HOW can betrayed partners TAKE BACK THEIR POWER?!

- What does deciding to CHOOSE or not to choose the relationship going forward actually and realistically look like for a betrayed partner?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services