How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women

Narrated by: Terrence Real
Length: 5 hrs
Categories: Self Development, How-To
4.5 out of 5 stars (155 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

Why is love between men and women so difficult? In this groundbreaking new book, best selling author Terrence Real analyzes the crisis in intimate relations, a crisis that has lasted more than a generation, yielding divorce rates of 40 to 50 percent. Our culture prepares us to fall in love, but it does not give us the skills we need to stay in love. Here Real offers a radical new vision of love and the practical tools with which to achieve it.

The current crisis is a product of changing gender roles, Real explains. In the past 30 years, women's roles have changed radically and men's have not. For the first time, adult women are asking their partners to access the very skills - emotional sensitivity, expressiveness, responsibility - that most men have had stamped out of them as boys. Patriarchal culture does not raise boys to be intimate; it raises them to be competitive performers. At the same time, girls are taught to be compliant and accommodating. The result is that men feel bewildered and unappreciated while women feel unheard and resentful. Conventional therapy, which reinforces "traditional" male roles, has failed. The demand for intimacy in marriage must be met with new skills.

Real draws on myth, literature, film, and heartrending stories of the men and women he treats to illustrate his compelling analysis. Breaking taboos about love, marriage, and passion, Real not only reconstructs gender roles but also shows that patriarchy's idealized model of love is impossibly flawed. He teaches partners to replace it with a love that acknowledges imperfections, and he then provides five Core Relational Skills designed to help every couple reach their full potential. Innovative, powerful, and eminently helpful, How Can I Get Through to You? is the book that every couple has been waiting for - and our culture needs.

©2002 Terrence Real, All Rights Reserved (P)2002 Simon & Schuster Inc., SOUND IDEAS Is an Imprint of Simon & Schuster Audio Division, Simon & Schuster Inc.

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

How Can I Get Through to You?

Through the years we've tried couples counseling (3 different therapists), many books, and more, never feeling it helped all that much in the long run. So when I started this you could say my expectations were realistically in check. To my great surprise, this book blows everything we've tried out of the water - it's more spot on where the complexities of trying to relate are concerned than I can describe. And I see it's use for more than a love relationship, all one's relationships can benefit from this information. We are looking for someone in our area who uses "Relational Therapy" (the approach of the author) as we are convinced that this may just be something that works!

9 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

Profound - for Men and Women

Any additional comments?

A real eye opener, spirit shaker for me. Only wish I'd heard and known 20 years ago. Not all specifics are totally in alignment with my experience (and failures) but the vast majority are. Am grateful for getting it when I did. The authors description of the dynamics may be intuitively known, but are presented in a fashion that resonates and gives substance to how they are created, allowing those with inhibited awareness to see more clearly (and get it at the core).

5 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

incredible

Terrence Real says it like it is. I'm a graduate student in family therapy, and I recommend this book to my professors and fellow students. It's been incredibly helpful in my relationship with my husband.

2 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Ka
  • 07-23-18

Illuminating book

Terrence calls it like it is, again. This book read as though his other books, the new rules of marriage, and I don’t want to talk about it, had a love child. He briefly dips in to his research of covert male depression, and the societal conditions, or patriarchy, unfairly placed on men, and the consequent results. He mostly focuses on couple dynamics through the rest of the book. Unfortunately, all of us can relate to this material in some way. But, it is fortunate, in that Terrence’s research can help foster compassion and backbone to deal with these struggles at home. I have found his work to be incredibly insightful, and relieving to hear. The more you know...

The one star review by the person who only listened to the sample, is uninformed and misleading. Yes, Terrence begins with addressing the male behavior, for reasons he describes later, but rest assured, he works with the females on their sh*t too.

Thank you, Terrence, for sharing your profound wisdom. You’ve helped me greatly.

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Great book

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and found it very helpful. Read everything you can by this author if you are working on your marriage.

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

i will never see things the same

Terrence Reale shares some of the deepest most profound influences western society puts on men and woman from birth. These influences sow the most persistent and damaging seeds of discontent in men and women by setting unrealistic(and sometimes dangerous)expectations that only the most motivated can overcome. This is a clear case where the audio book must be superior to the printed version; you can really feel the level of compassion he has for his subjects, which includes his readers. The author does an excellent job delivering on his mission to help us see how we have been unintentionally set up by our mothers, fathers, coaches and society to fail in our relationships and marriages. The author does this somehow without blame or guilt..a must for anyone wondering how relationships unravel even when we think we are doing the right thing.

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Both Men and Women need to hear this!!!

This book are truly opened my eye's to help me understand that what I want from my marriage is not just a dream, but can be reality. My husband is suffering from depression and is now trapped behind walls of emotional and verbal abuse suffered during his childhood. Listening to this book and reading Real's other book, "I don't want to talk about" have giving me an understanding of not just what my husband has gone through, but why I long for emotional connection with him. I believe that all men should listen and discuss this book to gain complete understanding as to what "connection" really is and how it will effect them for the rest of thier lives. Woman NEED to read this to gain an understanding as to why they may feel crazy at times and why thier partners WILL NOT "hear" them. I pray that this book will give my husband and other men courage to face the cultural norm and change it for our future. As for women, don't stop using your voice just learn how to relate with it.

3 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars

Excellent book for humanity

Like how he points out that even Freud's ideas of therapy was & is out of date, Terence has a good understanding of today's society and issues we've manifested from our parents. Traits that we can't and shouldn't always model or continue to model!

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    5 out of 5 stars

Turn your marriage and/your life around!

Stepping into our mature and authentic adult can be scary and hard work, but these changes that Terry speaks to really can/do change your life for the better. We alone have the control to change and own the parts of ourselves that no longer serve us, and potentially are harming all that is dear to us. Learning and embracing healthy boundaries and self worth opens the door for everyone.

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    5 out of 5 stars

Great book

This is a great book. I would recommend it for therapists and for couples - especially couples in the earlier stages of marriage that are beginning to struggle. This information would and could (possibly) have been extremely helpful for my husband and I, if my husband had been interested in listening to it and discussing Real’s points. Might be too late for us in our particular situation (without counseling), but the book has still been valuable to me in terms of helping to think about our personal marital struggles in a broader context. Seems to me that Real is spot-on in his description and interpretation of the historical and sociological underpinnings of the difficult power dynamics that many heterosexual couples in the US face. Note my qualifiers though: this book doesn’t directly address every possible permutation of diversity in couples. To his credit, he doesn’t claim for it to apply to everyone in every situation (since very little psychosocial theory actually can, anyway). For the large slice of couples to whom his work applies (those in a culture strongly influenced by patriarchy and traditional gender roles, historically and currently), his insights are really applicable, compassionate and helpful. Highly recommended.