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How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It | [Patricia Love, Steven Stosny]

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

Men are right. The "relationship talk" does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness: Love is not about better communication. It's about connection.
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Publisher's Summary

Men are right.

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied the all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require "trying to turn a man into a woman". Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

Download the accompanying reference guide.

©2007 Patricia Love and Steven Stosny (P)2011 Tantor

What the Critics Say

"Inspirational... a practical guide for men and women to overcome their challenges and come together outside and inside the bedroom." (John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus)

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

4.2 (136 )
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4.2 (110 )
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4.1 (115 )
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  •  
    Amazon Customer United States 06-11-12
    Amazon Customer United States 06-11-12 Member Since 2015
    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "Male - Female interactions make so much more sense"
    Any additional comments?

    I have listened to this more than once and get new insights each time. It has helped me understand what is going on so much better in relationships and given me some tools to improve them...and they do help!

    7 of 8 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Robert Innisfil, ON, Canada 02-25-13
    Robert Innisfil, ON, Canada 02-25-13
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    "Everyone Should Read This Book"
    Would you listen to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It again? Why?

    I have listened to this book many times to understand the details. Read this book if you want to understand why you don't get along with your spouse, child, or parents. Everyone needs this information. It should be taught in school.

    It has improved my relationship with my wife - Without talking about it.

    I whole heartily recommend this book!


    6 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Lisa! 03-26-15
    Lisa! 03-26-15

    giving you the scoop

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    "Profoundly Accurate and Explanatory"
    Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

    Yes! Because they present with so much experience and background as marriage counselors. Also because it explains accurately how men and women generally relate and where our "miss" has been. A true code cracker book.


    What was one of the most memorable moments of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?

    All the precursor and educational foundation of the book that prepared us to hear..."Just jump into the puddle" was the most intense relief. But the most memorable moment was in the beginning of the book when she lists so much information about how the genders generally relate to others and how we are socially locked in and reinforced to communicate in these certain ways. It was heartbreaking and disarming to see my husband and all men with such clarity. First this book breaks the spell of resentment with facts and experience and accurate emotional tones when a marriage has gone so far off course then it breaks the cycle of isolation and shame, gives us insight into how the cycle is so pervasive and self perpetuating...and then gives us solutions we are relieved to know and are ready for. I felt heard, seen and expressed though their words and exposed to my husband's inner world like never before...Disarmed is the word. Thank you.


    What does Laural Merlington bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

    She was so expressive. She brought these facts to life. If I had to read all those facts to my husband or just by myself, it wouldn't have come across so neutrally. I would've gotten bored, lost, angry at having to process so much linear information when he and I were in such an emotionally dark and twisted place. And the way she brought emotion to the sections....gave examples as if she were really talking to us...brought the information in more completely, convincingly...as if we were with a guidance counselor, not left up to our own tones, emphasis and innuendo. We were fed the information and given tasks to do along the way. We needed that. We NEEDED that. Thank you!


    Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?

    My extreme reaction was the feeling of being seen.....and how disarmed I was by the general ways we are socialized....and how it's not ok to live and die by "women do it better" motto when it comes to "communication". The compassion that I had access to made me feel humbled and grateful. It also made me angry after awhile because I got tired of hearing how high maintenance he is...and the irony is that he called me high maintenance....and we got to realize together that we are both this way in our own way. So simple yet SO hard to get to if you don't know the natural tendency generally of the genders...and after 17 years of marriage and misunderstanding. God, I wish we had found this book 10 years ago. wow.


    Any additional comments?

    A code cracker...and it must be done in audiobook!!! A must hear for anyone in relationship as I see it. My husband agrees, this book would not have been as powerful in hard copy. We were both too biased...we needed a neutral party in the mix.

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Barbara J Merwin 02-28-15
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    "Pretty good"

    Very informative. Lots of science behind why we do what we do. Narrators voice was a little annoying to me. At times she sounds as if she's talking to a preschool class. All in all, good sound advise and exercises.

    1 of 1 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Robert Spencerport, NY, United States 11-12-12
    Robert Spencerport, NY, United States 11-12-12 Member Since 2008
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    "most effective relationship help ever"
    Would you listen to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It again? Why?

    already am on #2 and plan to refer back when needed


    What was one of the most memorable moments of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?

    Without talking or fighting about it and finally some insight on why the same approach doesn't work for both men and women.


    What about Laural Merlington’s performance did you like?

    Very well read with tactful emphasis.


    What insight do you think you’ll apply from How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?

    It will be my relationship bible and hopefully "ours".


    Any additional comments?

    No other book or advice or even counsel has been this helpful.

    3 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Chris 07-19-15
    Chris 07-19-15
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    "Must read if your on the verge of loosing it all!"

    After 14 years of marriage, fighting more and more frequently as the years passed, increased resentment, and more tears than I like to admit, I was considering divorce as our next step and only option left on the table. I figured I would try ONE last time, knowing I couldn't walk away knowing I didn't give EVERYTHING I had. After finishing this book, I immediately started using the techniques explained, and immediately I noticed a change in my husband! I FINALLY GET HOW TO BE A WIFE, AND WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, HAVE THE HUSBAND I ALWAYS NEEDED! This book helped me understand why the things I say to my husband, no matter how good intentioned, always seemed to make things worse, not better! Learning WHY he withdraws when I try to provide constructive feedback, after all that's what I wanted from him, so why wouldn't telling him what's wrong help him fix it right? WRONG!! I am the "over sensitive, lets talk" type, and he is the silent "nothing is wrong" type, always taking everything I tell him out of context and getting angry, when all I was trying to do was get him to show he cares.
    Gaining the insight of the etiology of men and women, our behavior, our instincts and above all our inner fears. Learning how all this subconsciously impacts our daily interactions with each other and having the choice to choose my emotions based on who I want to be, THIS SAVED MY MARRIAGE!
    The authors truly explain HOW to change your thought process when in the moment and give REAL solutions to the negative thoughts and emotions that occur for even the most innocent of gestures. They don't try to tell you your wrong, broken or incapable of change, they give you tools to CHOOSE who you want to be as a spouse.
    I now understand my husbands thoughts, his reactions and his fears and no longer see them as hurtful. I now know how to react to my husbands consistent need for sex, understand why this is so important to him (regardless of the situation) and have the tools to teach myself how to change my reactions. Showing him how I feel without words, allowing him to feel confident as a man thus our relationship has grown into what it is meant to be. All the things I always wanted out of marriage, the real reason why I fell in love in the beginning, it all came flooding back immediately!
    Without my negative thoughts, knee jerk reactions or comments harming our relationship; we are happy, loving and most of all successful in helping each other, and we NEVER talked about it. I cannot express the true gratitude I have for this book and the positive outcome from simply thinking differently and using actions to express my gratitude, love and understanding to my husband, in return I NOW have the loving, compassionate and happy husband I wanted all along, thank you!

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Randolph Seattle, WA 12-07-13
    Randolph Seattle, WA 12-07-13 Member Since 2013
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    "A must read"
    What made the experience of listening to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It the most enjoyable?

    This book is based on very simple concepts about human evolution that affect our daily lives in the modern marriage. The central premise is the fear-shame reflex that kicks off a primal defense mechanism that underlies troublesome interactions between couples. The challenge it discusses is how we can counter the evolutionary developments of our brain designed for surviving pre-historic life but not at all suited for the modern relationship. It provides data, results of research and many true and instructive examples. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve their relationship.


    2 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Robert M Holden 10-02-13 Member Since 2014

    I am married to the wonderful and amazing woman pictured here. I listen to books to make me a better husband, father and person.

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    "Love this book"
    Would you consider the audio edition of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It to be better than the print version?

    Excellent look into men and women and how they connect and why failure to connect means a lack of good communication and leads to discontent and divorce.


    What was one of the most memorable moments of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?

    The discussion on male shame and the affect of cortisol on the male and female bodies.


    What about Laural Merlington’s performance did you like?

    Felt empathetic, very good production


    What did you learn from How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It that you would use in your daily life?

    That my wife and I are feeding into each other and we need to stop.


    Any additional comments?

    Now I just need to get her to read the book.

    1 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    jeanette heaton 02-20-15 Member Since 2015
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    "kinda annoying tone"

    the information was long and drawn out. seems like a lot of reputation. also seems very chavonistic some good food fir thought

    2 of 5 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Adrianne E. Hart 05-08-14 Member Since 2012
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    "I get it now."
    Any additional comments?

    I wish I would have had this book years ago. So much clicked for me!

    1 of 3 people found this review helpful

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