Siblings Without Rivalry

How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

By: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

Narrated by: Kathe Mazur

Length: 6 hrs and 2 mins

Publisher's Summary

When parenting authorities Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish sat down to write the national best seller How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, they found they could not contain their chapter on sibling rivalry. No matter how much they tried to pare down their advice, they found the subject inexhaustible - and parents agreed!

Siblings Without Rivalry guides the way to family peace and tranquility with humor and compassion for both parents and children. Action oriented and easy to understand, it's packed with sensitive yet sensible ways to turn quarreling siblings and frustrated parents into an open, communicative family.

©2012, 1998, 1987 Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. All rights reserved. (P)2015 Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved.

Kind kids who Squabble? This won’t help...

This book is really for really severe (in my opinion) cases of sibling fighting and rivalry. Children who are already calling one another names and using physical violence against one another. Even when the examples in the book were “successful” the siblings went from pummeling each other to calling one another “Stupid, retarded, wish you were dead, hate you, you should have never been born...” I’m sorry, but that’s still unacceptable behavior in my book and not what I would have ever stood for before. In addition, there are tips like “stop calling your spouse names and the children will follow your example.” Why would I be calling my spouse insulting names in front of my children? How dysfunctional is that?? If that is happening in a home, I can see why the kids would feel insecure and scared and lash out at their siblings to direct their fear somewhere “safe.” :/ Anyway, if you have generally kind, polite, loving children who occasionally fight over a doll or pinch their sister or leave the other child out when a friend comes over to play... this isn’t the book for you. There isn’t anything to help with that which, I have now learned, is relatively minor disrespect and rivalry. Upside, I feel lucky that’s all we have. Downside, I hope the rest of America isn’t really living in homes with parents who call each other “stupid” in front of their children and the kids mimic them 😳

Amazing! Fast results, cannot believe it.

What made the experience of listening to Siblings Without Rivalry the most enjoyable?

It was easy to follow and gave great examples. Looking at the parents early lives helped. I listen while I drive and one of the times my boys were in the vehicle with me and they did not want me to turn it off. The enjoyed it also!

What other book might you compare Siblings Without Rivalry to and why?

Nothing I have ever read has been this good, on dealing with siblings.

Which scene was your favorite?

It had many good parts and all worked together for the good of my boys.

Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you?

How they compare the new sibling scenario to inviting another husband or wife into the situation. That really made a difference for me. If my husband got another wife how would I feel, how would I like sharing my things with her, how would I deal with sharing his attention. Nicely done! I cannot explain it so that all can understand but if you have issues between siblings THIS IS THE BOOK FOR YOU!

Any additional comments?

It has made my home a nicer place to be. We talk it out and apply what I learned from the book and it is unbelievable. I am so happy. I am not even all the way through but it is that good, already!

Very helpful

What was one of the most memorable moments of Siblings Without Rivalry?

The fact that the adults parents, while trying to help their children, got closure from their own hurts and emotional baggage, that developed years ago, from their experience with sibling rivalry.

What’s an idea from the book that you will remember?

Let the hurting child express their negative feelings to you. Of course you don't agree, but it will help your child, because accepting and validating, helps those negative feelings go away.

Any additional comments?

This book taught me to forget the classic one liners, such as, 'I love you both the same" as they are NOT helpful!

Quick - Listen to it before school gets out!

Would you consider the audio edition of Siblings Without Rivalry to be better than the print version?

I was able to get through it more quickly by listening to it.

Have you listened to any of Kathe Mazur’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

no

Any additional comments?

I'm so happy my book club decided to read Siblings without Rivalry before school gets out. This title has been languishing on my to read list for awhile. I thought I would get some tips on how to stop the bickering, but the book is more than that. It isn't just for parents. I was constantly reflecting on my own upbringing. I had a real "moment" with this book. I clearly see why I have the relationship that I do with my brother. Moving forward I'm so motivated to change my approach to my kids.

Very Helpful Different Perspective

I liked it a lot. Great techniques to use. Only complaint is biblical scripture citations. Irrelevant to non-believers.

Doesn't Get to the Heart

My review is written from a Christian perspective. If you're secular, disregard me. But, this book has many Biblical references and is popular in many Christian communities, so I don't think my opinions are irrelevant. (There are 2 authors but I'll be referring to them mostly in the singular as they do in their text). This book definitely offers many great situational solutions; ways to defuse conflict and listen in ways that make kids feel validated, mostly. However, an underlying theme is that you shouldn't discourage a child from expressing extremely negative things about others, and that some children just aren't meant to like each other. No unreasonable or viscous thought is off limits; we're told to never correct or invalidate any of these statements and feelings. Suzy wants to burn Sally alive and watch birds pick at her crisped carcass because she got a better grade on a test? We're not supposed to challenge that! The proof is in the pudding though... so has it led to their kids being shining examples of sibling harmony? No, she (they) are very honest in admitting that their kids are as cruel and violent as anyone else's (which is fair enough!). At one point, one of the authors recounts an incident where her older son heated up a spoon on the hot coil of a stove, and then burnt his younger sibling on the neck with it. That's terrifying and cruel, NOT just normal kid stuff, and it was a critical moment when the authors lost some credibility as 2nd generation parenting experts for me. If things in their homes aren't exceptionally better than Joe-shmoe, whyyyy am I paying for their advice? Where is the fruit of their wise guidance? The authors don't claim to have a solution to correcting the HEART of the issues between siblings... and that's where Siblings Without Rivalry fails. They just provide really great tips for managing one crisis situation after another. The book left me feeling hopeless, as the main takeaway is that we as parents are powerless to address the REAL issues of our kids' sinful hearts (pride, anger, selfishness, jealousy, etc), and instead should focus on cultivating skills to merely survive until the kids either learn to like each other, or are grown and don't have to live together any more. Ultimately, I felt this book actually encouraged very self-centered thinking in our kids through the constant validation (to be clear, they don't say to AGREE with your kids, but to mostly offer generic, non-corrective acknowledgement of what they've said, such as " wow, yeah, I'm hearing that you really want to burn Sally alive!". To an angry person, seemingly-neutral acknowledgement like that is as good as approval). A home (or world) full of self-centered people isn't a very enjoyable place to live, and I'm not merely aiming for "surviving until they're off to college"... so this was a disappointing read.

Some valuable solutions here for conflict management, but gets us no closer to cracking into the heart of our kids' conflicts or teaching them to be gracious and Christlike with one another.

Really helpful

This book made me see sibling relationship in a new light. My children's as well as my own.

one of best guides how to parent better

also as a MD(er+gp), I can recommend it as a good receipe how to avoid growing up sane and mentally intact people and how to avoid growing up people with anxiety, depression and other mental disease that are very common nowadays. also recommend reading Patty Wipfler'Listen', Alfie Kohn Punished by Rewards and unconditional parenting+ Daniel Siegel's books on The topic

Great book! Great stories and problem solving skill

Very useful skills. It’s a parents hand book. Audiobook is even better for busy parents who barely have time to read. I finished the book while driving, walking, doing exercises!

Great for Foster Care

What did you love best about Siblings Without Rivalry?

I liked the various perspectives of parents that attempted methods on their children and the results that came back.

What about Kathe Mazur’s performance did you like?

I thought for the material that was being delivered she did a great job with kids voices, parents voices, and the counselor.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

No, it has a lot to offer but it would take me a few sittings to complete this and I am going through it a second time.

Any additional comments?

I use the information in this book to assist with parenting foster children as well as my own kid. I find that the information it provided was well worth the time and it has also brought insight into my own relationship with my sibling.