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Publisher's Summary

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, 28-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his 73-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

“That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.”

“Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar...Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern’s philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes.

An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny’s, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns’ kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh-t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

©2010 Justin Halpern (P)2010 HarperCollins Publishers

Critic Reviews

“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” (Christian Lander, New York Times best-selling author of Stuff White People Like)

What members say

Average Customer Ratings


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  • Overall
  • Michael
  • Richmond, VA, USA
  • 05-08-10

Really Funny! Should Be Up for an Audie Award

This book had me laughing so hard that I woke my wife up and got curious stares on the bus. While the run time of this audio book is only 3 hours it is the perfect length to get an idea of how Justin's father thinks and you also get a sense that there is absolutely no filter when he thinks something to when he speaks what's on his mind. This very funny book that does use course language because Justin's father is a little gruff! IF you are offended by such language, then stay away.

16 of 17 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Performance
  • Story
  • Heather
  • Phoenix, AZ, United States
  • 08-21-12

Funny Book, Great Voice

If you could sum up Sh-t My Dad Says in three words, what would they be?

Funny as sh!t.

What did you like best about this story?

I thought the way the chapters were summarized by a one liner from his dad were the best. I was laughing so hard, my sides and cheeks hurt.

Have you listened to any of Sean Schemmel’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

I listened to "I Suck at Girls" and thought Mr. Schemmel's performance was hilarious. He used many different voices for the characters, which is something I think is important. He also uses inflection in his voice and makes the story come alive.

Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you?

The whole book is great. Did it move me? Sure- it moved me to the kleenex box because I was laughing so hard, I cried.

Any additional comments?

Don't listen to this one around other people unless they know what you're doing. You may get hauled off to the looney bin because you're laughing at nothing.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

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  • Performance
  • Story
  • Paula
  • United States
  • 08-31-10

Amusing but not as funny as some made it sound

Enjoyable enough.........I listened to this on an airplane ride. It is clear that the father was very fond of his son and visa versa. Some funny moments. Once I even laughed aloud. I really like the story that led to the writing of this book (Tweets on Twitter.) How in the world, though, can someone remember so many incidents from his life! He would have had to write all those incidents on paper to get the memories straight. Some of the comments were uttered by the author's dad when the author was 4 or 5 yrs old. Poetic license?

9 of 10 people found this review helpful

  • Overall

Surprisingly hilarious!

I must admit that I have been burned by "blogger books" before, so I was very skeptical about this one, a book based on a Twitter sensation. While the Sh*t Mt Dad Says is the only thing I actually like about Twitter, I couldn't help but think that this book would get stale really quick. Halpern, it turns out, is a pretty great writer. He has a great knack for comic timing and dialog (which, obviously, he got from his father) and understands and conveys the complexities of the father-son dynamic with some terrific anecdotes. In fact, I enjoyed Halpern's stories far more than the short quotes dispersed throughout the book. As far as the narrator goes, he reminded me of Ben Stiller, which seemed sort of appropriate, although the gruff "dad voice" takes some getting used to.

13 of 15 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Glynis
  • Oak Park, IL, United States
  • 07-28-10

Funny Funny Funny!

If you like to laugh, and expletives don't make you flinch, you are in for a treat!!!
Definitely adult humor and should not be played in front of children! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Worth a listen!!

8 of 9 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Performance
  • Story
  • A. ricci
  • San Francisco, CA United States
  • 10-08-12

Sh*t that makes you LAUGH

Would you consider the audio edition of Sh-t My Dad Says to be better than the print version?

I didn't read the print version, but Sean Schemmel is the single best narrator EVER. He MADE this book soooo much funnier. I don't know if Justin Halpern picked him specifically, but he was PERFECT

What other book might you compare Sh-t My Dad Says to and why?

I Suck At Girls, same narrator, same author, and almost as funny.

What does Sean Schemmel bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

He did so many HILARIOUS voices, it was like listening to 10 people read this

Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you?

Pretty much everytime the dad spoke, I was moved to tears.....of LAUGHTER.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall


Both the story and narration are hilarious! I think this book is better in audio format than the written word. The narrator does an excellent job of impersonating and capturing Sam Halpern's personality and wisdom. Do not listen to this while driving or if you are in a public place!

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall

Listening to This While Driving is Dangerous

The narration (performance, really) is outstanding and the belly laughs come rapid fire. I'll be giving this as a gift to all of my friends. If you have a non-delicate sense of humor (and a father) you will not be disappointed.

15 of 18 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
  • Tracey
  • South Miami, FL USA
  • 06-28-10

Couldn't stop laughing

Hilarious stories, clever one-liners, and excellent narration make this my absolute favorite audiobook ever. Definitely worth a listen. I didn't delete it from my mp3 player because I plan to listen to it again soon.

6 of 7 people found this review helpful

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  • Performance
  • Story
  • DS
  • 03-12-13


Nice stories about a Father - Son relationship that will make you laugh. The father doesn't pull any punches, tells it straight, and the son has the usual, vaguely uncomfortable reaction. There is a lot of basic truth in this book.

2 of 2 people found this review helpful