Last week, we explored the "why" behind Bethany's avoidant behavior. This week, we go deeper, uncovering the pain she has been silently carrying to keep the peace. For years, Bethany has minimized her own needs, believing her hurts "don't rise to the level" of the pain she caused Brian. But this silence has come at a cost: disconnection, resentment, and the loss of her own voice.

In a powerful moment of reclaiming her assertiveness, Bethany reconnects with the "badass" she used to be. We explore what healthy assertion looks like for an avoidant partner and why standing up for yourself is actually an act of love for the relationship. We then turn to Brian to understand the "very good reasons" behind his disrespectful protests, revealing that his anger is often a desperate "air horn" trying to wake his partner up to his pain.

This week's prompt: Reflect on a time you minimized your own hurt to keep the peace. What part of yourself did you have to silence, and what would it look like to reclaim that voice today?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

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Last week, we sat with Brian's heavy narrative that Bethany is "out to get him." This week, we turn the lens around to understand the experience of the avoidant partner. We explore a conflict about picking up their sick daughter from daycare, where Bethany's genuine attempt to help is misread as control, leaving her feeling like the "bad guy" yet again.

We finally unveil the "why" behind Bethany's lack of emotion. We learn that her "stone face" isn't indifference; it is a desperate shield against the pain of feeling like a failure. The breakthrough happens when she admits, "I'm not trying to avoid you... I'm just trying to shut out the pain," causing Brian to soften and feel hope for the first time in weeks.

This week's prompt: Think about your own version of the "stone face." When you shut down, go numb, or get super logical—what specific feeling are you trying to avoid? Are you protecting yourself from feeling like a failure or from feeling rejected?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
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After a long holiday break, Bethany and Brian have lost momentum and are "not in a good spot." Brian opens the session feeling "checked out" and asks, "Is this insanity?" while Bethany feels like she's "walking on eggshells," afraid to trigger him. The core of the session focuses on the main block to their progress: Brian's unshakeable and "unworkable" narrative that Bethany is "maliciously out to get him."

We explore how Brian's history—from his mother to the financial infidelity to a new story from Christmas—has conditioned him to default to this narrative. The breakthrough comes in reframing this belief not as a fact, but as a safety strategy. His brain defaults to "she's malicious" because it offers a simple solution to his deep pain ("unlovable," "a fool"): it gives him "permission" to leave, which feels safer than being vulnerable.

This week's prompt: This week, we worked on the reframe from 'she's malicious' to 'she's just hurt and in her protective mode.' Think about your partner's most triggering behavior. What is the malicious story you automatically tell yourself about it? And what might the 'they're just hurt' version of that story be?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Is there an expiration date on old wounds? This week, Brian struggles with seeing Bethany receive empathy for her car accident, as it triggers a deep, unspoken pain from his own past trauma. Months earlier, he was the victim of a violent attack that left him unable to work and feeling alone, which became the foundation for his "I'm done, I'm leaving" stance and his feeling of being a "second-class citizen."

This session is about the courage it takes to finally give voice to old hurt. The turning point isn't about deciding whose trauma was worse; it's the powerful breakthrough that happens when Brian shares his vulnerability, and Bethany, instead of defending, meets it with empathy, saying it "softens me." It's a profound lesson in co-regulation and how learning to receive each other's pain is the true foundation of healing.

This week's prompt: Reflect on an old hurt that still shows up in your current relationship. What is the feeling that gets triggered, and what do you wish your partner could see in that moment?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

This week, we take a special mid-season break to catch up with our Season 1 couple, Melissa and Drew. It's been a year since we last heard from them, and they're back to share an honest update. We revisit their old anxious-avoidant cycle—Melissa's fear of Drew's shutdowns and their struggles with parenting differences—and hear how they are navigating those triggers today.

Melissa and Drew share that while they've made "tremendous strides" in co-regulation, their work isn't over; in fact, they're continuing their journey with another therapist. Their update is a powerful, real-world look at what comes after the initial breakthroughs and serves as a vital reminder that healing is an ongoing process, not a final destination.

This check-in provides crucial context for our current season. Melissa and Drew's journey shows that even a less-escalated couple requires time, highlighting the patience needed for a highly-escalated couple like Bethany and Brian. This episode is a testament that growth is not linear, but a messy, courageous, and long-term journey.

This week's prompt: Reflect on your own healing journey. Where have you made "tremendous strides," and what parts of your old cycle do you still have to work on?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecureelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

What happens when a couple survives a major crisis, only to be thrown back into their negative cycle by a simple text message? This week, after Bethany recounts a traumatic car accident and Brian's initial, supportive response, a seemingly small conflict about a baby monitor spirals into a "knock-down, drag-out" fight.

We dive deep into the difficult work of co-regulation when both partners are hurting. We explore the raw hurt behind Brian's sarcasm—his pain of feeling controlled, questioned as a parent, and like a "second-class citizen." We also uncover why Bethany's instinct to explain and rationalize, a lifelong strategy to manage overwhelming emotions, lands as a dismissal and keeps them stuck.

This extended session highlights the essential, messy process of learning to attend to one partner's pain at a time, even when you're drowning in your own. Can you put your hurt aside, just for a moment, to truly see the person across from you? It's hard, but necessary work if healing is the goal.

This week's prompt: Reflect on your last conflict. When you felt hurt, what was your go-to protective move (sarcasm, explaining, silence)? What feeling were you trying to communicate underneath that defense?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com.

Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

This session moves beyond blame to understand the fears and unmet needs that often drive dishonest behavior. It's a powerful look at why healing mistrust is an essential first step before a couple can begin to repair their negative cycle, reminding us that while we can't excuse the behavior, understanding its origin is essential for healing.

This week's prompt: Reflect on a time you've experienced dishonesty. If you were the one being dishonest, what fear or unmet need was driving your actions? If you were on the receiving end, what did that moment teach you about trust, healing, and boundaries?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We explore how their survival strategies collide when old pain is triggered. Bethany uses logic and explanation to stay safe from overwhelming emotion, while Brian uses anger as a desperate attempt to be seen and heard. We hear the story of Bethany's hidden grief over feeling alone and the story of Brian's broken trust.

This episode reveals that healing doesn't start with tallying wrongs or proving who was right. It begins with building the capacity to finally see the wound in the person across from you. The turning point comes not from winning the fight, but from learning how to speak from the pain instead of the defense.

This week's prompt: What is your go-to emotional defense when you feel hurt? Do you tend to explain and rationalize, or do you get loud to demand being heard?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime