Fawning

Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back

De: Dr. Ingrid Clayton

Narrado por: Dr. Ingrid Clayton

From a clinical psychologist and expert in complex trauma recovery comes a powerful guide introducing fawning, an often-overlooked piece of the fight-flight-freeze reaction to trauma—explaining what it is, why it happens, and how to help survivors regain their voice and sense of self.

Most of us are familiar with the three F's of trauma—fight, flight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) response: fawning. Often conflated with “codependency” or “people-pleasing,” fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.

• Do you apologize to people who have hurt you?
• Ignore their bad behavior?
• Befriend your bullies?
• Obsess about saying the right thing?
• Make yourself into someone you’re not . . . while seeking approval that may never come?

You might be a fawner.

Fawning explains why we stay in bad jobs, fall into unhealthy partnerships, and tolerate dysfunctional environments, even when it seems so obvious to others that we should go. And though fawning serves a purpose—it’s an ingenious protective strategy in unsafe situations—it’s a problem if it becomes a repetitive, compulsory reaction in our daily lives.

But here’s the good news: we can break the pattern of chronic fawning, once we see it for the trauma response it is. Drawing on twenty years of clinical psychology work—as well as a lifetime of experience as a recovering fawner herself—Dr. Ingrid Clayton demonstrates WHY we fawn, HOW to recognize the signs of fawning (including taking blame, conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, and caretaking at the expense of ourselves), and WHAT we can do to successfully “unfawn” and finally be ourselves, in all our imperfect perfection.

©2025 Dr. Ingrid Clayton (P)2025 Penguin Audio

Reseñas de la Crítica

"In Fawning, Dr. Ingrid Clayton offers a compassionate and insightful look at one of the most misunderstood trauma responses. Drawing from both clinical expertise and personal experience, she gives voice to those who learned to survive by being agreeable, invisible, and accommodating. This book is a powerful revelation for anyone who has ever mistaken being ‘nice’ for being safe. Fawning is an essential guide to understanding yourself more deeply and stepping into your full truth."—Nedra Glover Tawwab, New York Times bestselling author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free

“Anyone who has ever people-pleased, self-silenced, tried to be perfect, or apologized to someone who is harming them must read this book….Dr. Clayton brings her personal story and clinical wisdom to shine a light on this ‘forgotten’ albeit universal trauma response. This book is a must-read, and a loving and empathic guidebook to healing from all forms of relational trauma.”—Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of It’s Not You: Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic People

“So many of us learned to be attuned to everyone but ourselves. In Fawning, Dr. Clayton shows how this pattern begins, how it persists, and how to begin the process of returning to your own needs. Her insights are a gift to anyone who’s ever confused people-pleasing with love.”—Jessica Baum, LMHC, author of Anxiously Attached

Help with healing

I’m only part way through the audible reading of this book and so far it’s been very helpful. I just wish the F word was just not repeated throughout the book. It’s not necessary to say it over and over. Once, maybe twice I could tolerate but it’s said so often I just cringe. It really doesn’t aid in healing or even really add to the points the author is making. And as much as I would like to recommend this book to a few friends and my sister, I can’t as they too would just say “oh brother! The F word again!”

So helpful for understanding

I’ve read many, many books about recovering from childhood trauma, and this has been one of the most helpful because of the author’s explanation of one of the most insidious aspects of fawning: how it makes you feel disgusted with yourself. It helps so much that Dr. Clayton has actually lived through these experiences and has first-hand knowledge of why we fawn, the purpose it served in the moment, and how difficult it is to recover from the self-hatred and begin the journey of learning to unfawn. I previously read Dr. Clayton’s book Believing Me, and wasn’t sure whether the new book would have much to offer beyond that, but the new book really includes a lot of new insights. Dr. Clayton, thank you so much for your work and for sharing your story. By sharing your story about how you were not seen and heard throughout so much of your life, you are actually helping many other people feel seen and heard.

Eye opening

Wow. I've never been validated like this. Dr. Ingrid Clayton's story from childhood with her stepfather made me realize what I experienced was traumatic, too. I always thought it could be explained away and was never able to pin it down as distriburbing, even though it was. I really couldn't see it that way entirely or feel validated until I listened to this book. I've been a self help book junkie - always trying to figure it out so I could just be okay, just feel like I'm going to be okay. I'm ready to live my life for me, freely, unapologetically. Already started by doing what was best for me this morning instead of sacrificing my peace and well-being to appease my mother-in-law - which, news flash - NEVER WORKS ANYWAY! Whew. I feel excited and free and light. And also sad sometimes, and like I've processed a lot... but I am orienting toward more glimmers, more feelings of exhales (instead of holding my breath all the time). Thank you, Ingrid. You have made an impact on my life. Your work is important.

Highly validating

Stories that are relatable, tools to release the trauma and reflections on the journey. A gift to those seeking understanding, validation, and healing direction.