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At age 80, I had a rude awakening when I could no longer hike to the top of my favorite mountain. I realized I’d entered a foreign land. Neither of my parents lived to 80—and I had no idea what to expect. I’m not alone. Baby Boomers and GenXers—the adult children of people my age— get lots of attention, but the cohort of people over eighty that is growing faster than any other older group is often neglected.
I couldn’t find a single self-help book written for people in their 80s. Or one that guided my four middle-aged sons on how to deal with their aging parents. I saw the need for a guide to this strange and uncharted territory of old age, and so I included in my book Conversation Starters for eightysomethings and Helpful Tips for families. As a practicing psychotherapist and social psychologist, I was curious if the negative stereotypes of diminished health and lower vitality held true and if today's eightysomethings had lessons for us as we reach old age ourselves.
I interviewed 128 people in their 80s, as well as twenty-six of their adult children, most of whom were refreshingly honest. I explored how they dealt with tough transitions and new freedoms of being eightysomething. I looked at health, dementia, grandchildren, living arrangements, finances, sex and intimacy, and their approaches to death. From my interviews, I saw that difficult shifts of old age, including what I call “Upside Down Parenting” when your kids start to become the parents, can be negotiated with grace.
What I learned made me see the possibilities for a whole new vision for old age, larger than eldercare or geriatrics. I’m pleased to share that unexpected happiness among eightysomethings was one of the key findings.
Let’s continue the conversation on facebook where you can follow me. I’d love to hear about your experiences.
Katharine Esty, PhD, is a social psychologist, a practicing psychotherapist, a writer and a change agent. For more than twenty years, she was a managing partner at Ibis Consulting Group, a strategic planning and diversity firm. Her clients were Fortune 500 companies, universities, and UN agencies. As a therapist for thirty years, she has counseled hundreds of clients, helping them deal effectively with change in their lives.
An experienced public speaker, Dr. Esty, 88, lives at a retirement community west of Boston.
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