This American Ex-Wife

How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

By: Lyz Lenz

Narrated by: Lyz Lenz

Length: 7 hrs and 37 mins

Publisher's summary

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A deeply validating manifesto on the gender politics of marriage (bad) and divorce (actually pretty good!) in America today, and an argument that the former needs a reboot—from journalist and proud divorcée Lyz Lenz

“This American Ex-Wife is a bomb, a bouquet (but not a wedding bouquet), a memoir, a manifesto, and a total joy to read.”—Rebecca Solnit, author of Men Explain Things to Me

Studies show that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women—women who are tired, fed up, exhausted, and unhappy. We’ve all seen how the media portrays divorcées: sad, lonely, drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine. Lyz Lenz is one such woman whose life fell apart after she reached a breaking point in her twelve-year marriage. But she refused to take part in that tired narrative and decided to flip the script on divorce.

In this exuberant and unapologetic book, Lenz makes an argument for the advantages of getting divorced, framing it as a practical and effective solution for women to take back the power they are owed. Weaving reportage with sociological research and literature with popular culture along with personal stories of coming together and breaking up, Lenz creates a kaleidoscopic and poignant portrait of American marriage today. She argues that the mechanisms of American power, justice, love, and gender equality remain deeply flawed, and that marriage, like any other cultural institution, is due for a reckoning. A raucous argument for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female refusal, This American Ex-Wife takes listeners on a riveting ride—while pointing us all toward a life that is a little more free.

©2024 Lyz Lenz (P)2024 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

“With This American Ex-Wife Lenz adds to her already impressive canon of cultural criticism. . . . Through a vivid mix of research, reporting, and personal anecdote, [she] reveals the power imbalances inherent to traditional heterosexual marriage, and calls for a radical act of refusal by women who have been too-long defined by their relationships to men.”—Literary Hub

“This American Ex-Wife is a bomb, a bouquet (but not a wedding bouquet), a memoir, a manifesto, and a total joy to read.” —Rebecca Solnit, author of Men Explain Things to Me

“A tour de force, instant classic memoir-meets-manifesto . . . Cishet love is a battlefield, and This American Ex-Wife is a long-awaited shield. This book will rightfully end and prevent certain types of marriages, by which I mean it will save lives.”—Alissa Nutting, author of Made for Love

Insightful book

Lyz Lenz provides a critical view of marriage and divorce from not just her own experience, but the experiences of women in a cultural sense. I’ve never been married and may never get married, but I appreciate getting to hear her perspective on the institution.

Charming, heartbreaking, very real

Lyz Lenz is such a likable, genuine narrator and storyteller it makes an often heartbreaking tale wistful. Will likely soothe any woman navigating divorce—it’s not just you, divorce is pretty common and a lot of the reasons are the same. Thanks for writing this Lyz.

Someone Needed To Write This

I’m not even done yet but this book is just leaving me agog.

Her husband sounds totally incompatible with any self respecting woman. But what really gets to me is that, in so many ways, he sounds like a personality clone of MY ex-husband, who I also left after 12 years of marriage. Are there LOTS of men like that? There must be. I feel like I dodged a bullet because I never had children with my ex. Lyz makes it clear how much worse THAT would have made things.

I can totally relate to her repeated emphasis on the absence of true partnership from the man’s side and how women are usually the ones handed a load of bull of how marriage is work that you just have to stick to.

The statistics, facts and other info peppered through the book make this an incredibly informative and eye opening read.

Every divorced woman needs to read this. I often lapse into self pity that I don’t have a man. This book reminded me that I am FREE of a bad situation and that I should be very cautious about any future decisions. More importantly, every woman thinking about marriage and children needs to read this. There is a lot of truth here. Every word of it.

Thought provoking

As someone in a troubled marriage she nails it with the inequality of being married - her comments on government and social mores were thought provoking. Society needs to have men step up and be more accountable in marriage - emotionally, physically and mentally - men only bringing home a paycheck isn’t enough and the standards of “well you’re not being physically abused so it’s fine” need to stop - this book expresses that very well.

Fantastic, brilliant, must-listen

I don't remember the last time I found myself saying things out loud to a book this often. Listening to it feels like having a conversation with your smart, insightful friend who leaves you both laughing and chewing on some hard-fought wisdom that sticks in your brain indefinitely. There are no easy answers here (real life) but so many of the right questions and plenty of joy. Keep writing, Lyz, the world needs your words!

Fresh, authentic, utterly relatable

As a fellow millennial, ex-vagelical, married mother of 3 young kids, I related to every moment of this book! I’m also a therapist and have recommended this book to every woman in my practice who is struggling in their marriage and contemplating divorce. THANK YOU LIZ for putting your heart out there, digging in social science research, and sharing with us all. I love at the beginning you make it clear you’re pro-divorce, haha! But at the very least you hope women ask for MORE in their partnerships. This book has been valuable to me personally and sparking LOTS of conversations with my male spouse which has made our relationship better than ever.

A must read!

This American Ex-Wife is one of the most validating books I've ever read. I may not identify entirely as a woman anymore, but I was a wife, and I date cis men, and this book speaks to all my frustration, rage, and pain. The author and I are around the same age and got married a year apart from each other. We even share a name! (with different spellings) I blew up my marriage after only 2.5 years but so much of her experience could've been mine if I hadn't. It's haunting to read.

So much casual entitlement and cruelty and disregard and dehumanization permeates the experience of dating cis, especially straight, men. It doesn't matter how leftist they think they are, the patterns are the same. And I want none of it. I escaped once, I don't want to go back.

I just can't tell you how much I love this book. How I wish I could make a bath of the words and the feelings and just soak in it and cry and scream. Thank you so much, Lyz Lenz, for writing this work that is so badly needed.

Critical Perspective on Marriage

I cannot overstate the importance of the author’s perspective on the institution of marriage, particularly in modern literature, which has long focused on shared responsibility for “building” and “holding on to” marriage. With a number of spot-on metaphors, Lyz Lenz incisively documents the exhausting labor that marriage creates for women at every stage, and the relatively few benefits that women receive, particularly relative to the benefits men receive. It will anger you, and you should be angry. Our daughters deserve better, and so do we.

Eye opening and clarifying

Lyz lays out with anecdotes and data the myriad problems with straight marriage. This book is a clarion call for women to consider ways in which they have accepted dominant narratives and ways their lives can be so, so much better. I’m going to listen to it again immediately.

Required reading for all cishet women

I’ve never been married and I already know the danger of marrying a man who only sees you as a means to HIS end. Lyz describes her husband’s sense of entitlement to her domestic and emotional labor, as well as lack of basic respect for her feelings, with a healthy amount of anger. Her frustration about his refusal to be an active participant in their marriage accurately depicts the situation I see most of my friends and family in. This is a book about liberation and women choosing their own lives over society’s expectations. We’re done sacrificing ourselves to patriarchy.