How to Be the Love You Seek

Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

By: Dr. Nicole LePera

Narrated by: Courtney Patterson

Length: 10 hrs and 14 mins

Publisher's summary

INSTANT #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

"A practical, reader-friendly, and inspiring primer on how to extend true connection and love to others.” —Gabor Maté M.D., New York Times bestselling author of The Myth of Normal

From the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller How to Do the Work comes this paradigm-shifting guide to healing your relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself.

Relationships have always been essential to human survival. Our bodies and brains are programmed to seek out connection, whether familial, romantic, or platonic. And yet, these vital bonds are often at the root of our deepest suffering. While our hearts are primed for compassionate connection, our nervous systems—which store all our past hurts and disappointments—are wired for threat and negativity.

For decades, leading relationship advice has maintained that successful relationships require a specific compromise—that we must change our authentic expression to better meet the needs of others, and vice versa. It may sound reasonable in theory, but as Dr. LePera explains, this approach is nothing less than a recipe for a lifetime of resentment.

In How to Be the Love You Seek, #1 New York Times bestselling author Dr. LePera—whose integrative, holistic approach to psychology has attracted an international audience of millions—offers a new path to healing our relationships. Harnessing the latest scientific research, she teaches us to recognize how unmet needs from our earliest relationships create our current, dysfunctional relationship patterns, and leave us in a state of constant internal threat, even with those closest to us.

This book, the last in her “How To” trilogy, illuminates the way out of trauma bonds and into relationships rooted in mutual respect and compassion. In it, you will learn how to create safety in your own body and mind; identify your unmet needs; develop emotional resilience; cultivate heart coherence to build deep emotional connections with others; and maintain healthy interdependence in our communities.

Whether you struggle to maintain the kinds of relationships you want, or are facing a specific challenge with a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, child, friend, or colleague—Dr. LePera teaches us how to break painful cycles and reconnect with the wisdom, appreciation, and compassion that lives in each of our hearts. It is our heart’s innate capacity to love that is the true source of all healing. When we tap into that power, we can become the love we seek.

Complete with stories, exercises, journal prompts, and other practical tools, How to Be the Love You Seek offers a healing roadmap for all generations of cycle-breakers.

©2023 Dr. Nicole LePera (P)2023 HarperCollins Publishers

We are the love we seek. Change yourself to attract what you desire.

This book is filled with scientific epiphanies. Excellent tools, references to other works and personal stories that make ….REAL. Thank you!

Clear, resonant and helpful

This book felt deeply resonant to me, gave clarity and clear instruction to be more in touch with who I am and to be closer yo the people around me. I’m so glad I read it

Great insights

This book was full of insightful information! Not just how to recognize issues but how to fix them

solid worthwhile read

I would have given the overall rating 5 stars if the audio version of the book had included the sources of the studies mentioned toward the end of the book, regarding collective consciousness.

This was so helpful!

I loved how the stories were so relatable. It helped me to unpack how most of my behavior is linked to a disregulated nervous system.

Knowledgeale and Thought-Provoking

I loooved this audiobook! It's literally life changing! I'm going to share it with as people who will listen.

Great eye opener book for your healing journey

Everything about this book is what people need when it comes to your healing journey. I was reading this book with my partner and both of us agreed that this book opened our eyes. This book helps you see things you do not fully understand and know what are the areas you need to work on. Super grateful to have read this resourceful book!

self awareness and growth

I "read" this book recently, and I think that it can be helpful to others. It talks about relationship troubles and really dives into exploring why and what you can do to improve your relationships. I believe that to really change somone else, which you can't, it's impossible, but to see change in your relationships whether romantic, platonic or family, is to change yourself.
Therein is your true control and power, is to change yourself, to gain insight on yourself and how to self improve. This book helps explore yourself and teaches about different people and why they might be acting or reacting the way that they do. Real life examples are used, both before and after the individuals become more self aware.
Dr. Nicole Lepera thru this book teaches and coaches (thru provided exercises) to help you find your authentic self and to become more self aware.
P.s. this book has a lot of therapeutic tendencies and wording, if you are familiar with therapy you'll recognize it, if not it might be a bit much.

crucial concepts for self-understanding

The title makes sense when we realize that our primary relationship is with ourselves. Fix that relationship and you’ll respond better in your outer relationships. Chapter 3 is the best explanation of polyvagal theory i have found. The author has written a great companion book to Pete Walker’s childhood trauma self-therapy. These two authors will open your eyes to the source of your involuntary emotional reactions that may be preventing emotional calmness and ruining your interpersonal relationships. i slowed the narrative speed to 75% and i’ll listen to chapter 3 again so i recognize mental states when i have them and see them. This is a very understandable useful book for sufferers of childhood trauma seeking self-healing. This book and Pete Walker can map your journey.

Life affirming book!

I found myself in the pages and learned how and why I do and feel the way I do. I'm thrilled to be able to utilize this book over and again to gain strong healthy habits and to feel validated on my recovery journey from childhood and relational trauma.