Untangled

Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

By: Lisa Damour

Narrated by: Lisa Damour

Length: 8 hrs and 37 mins

Publisher's Summary

New York Times best seller.

An award-winning guide to the sometimes erratic and confusing behavior of teenage girls that explains what's going on, prepares parents for what's to come, and lets them know when it's time to worry. 

Look for Under Pressure, the companion guide to coping with stress and anxiety among girls, available now. 

In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct - and absolutely normal - developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including parting with childhood, contending with adult authority, entering the romantic world, and caring for herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including: 

• My 13-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond? 
• Do I tell my teen daughter that I'm checking her phone? 
• My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her? 
• Where's the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder? 
• My teenage daughter wants to know why I'm against pot when it's legal in some states. What should I say? 
• My daughter's friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl's mother to let her know? 

Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman. 

Books for a Better Life Award winner.

“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” (The Washington Post) 

“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” (The Boston Globe)

©2016 Lisa Damour (P)2016 Random House Audio

Critic Reviews

"For years people have been asking me for the 'girl equivalent of Raising Cain', and I haven't known exactly what to recommend. Now I do." (Michael Thompson, PhD, coauthor of Raising Cain)

"An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It's obvious that Dr. Damour 'gets' girls and understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face." (Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes)

"A gem. Damour deftly blends insights from her clinical experience working with girls, time-honored wisdom on adolescence, the latest social science and neuroscience research, and frank descriptions of cultural trends and media messages. From the moment I read the last page I've been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents." (Wendy Mogel, PhD, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee)

I was “forced” to read this book!

Not really, but I would say more of a strong-armed suggestion! My wife is currently reading the book and I’ve received several texts over the last year from close male friends that have suggested “I” read this book also. My reply was “I have an eight and a 10-year-old, I’ll read the book when I have teenagers“!

Boy was I wrong. So instead of having to commit to reading the book, I elected to listen to the audiobook while doing manly chores out in my yard all weekend and I have to say it was absolutely amazing. I am so glad that I did not wait until I already had teenagers. I would be so behind the 8-ball! I definitely feel better prepared for their transitional phases.

My big take away from this book is not so much how to “handle” a teenage daughter but more so how I handle “myself” in response to their situations. You have given me the tools and I thank you so very much for not keeping your experiences to yourself or limited to just your clients. I truly appreciate you writing this book!

Oh and to the person reading this review, don’t waste your time reading reviews just go get the book!

Love it! Living it! Beyond amazing

In love with this audio book.... the person reading it and the content.... so many stories or scenarios I've already went thru my daughter and made me laugh so much... I used one of examples when I had to continuously ask my daughter to work in her school work, and grades... finally told her I've given you all the tools to succeed and always will be here, but you are responsible for going to schoool, getting your work done, and getting good grades. It's your responsibility not mine.... it HELPED... this book is an amazing guide to what teens bring to the table!!! Thanks for such a well written book.... I never write reviews as you might be able to tell ^^^^ but just wanted other parents to know that it helped me in so many ways... thanks!!!!!

A "must read" for any parent with an adolescent or teenaged daughter!

This is undoubtably the best guide ever for raising adolescent and teenaged daughters. Lisa Damour easily explains the adolescent and teenaged female mind, the importance of "tribes," how to discuss important and difficult topics, how to respond to inevitable teenaged behaviors, how and where to draw the proverbial line, and more. It was encouraging to hear that I was already doing many of the suggestions (I read and research a lot - LOL), but this book also provided many, many insights and crucial information. I repeatedly found myself saying, "great point!", "yes!", "wow, that's really good to know!", etc. The author does a fantastic job narrating her book and always keeps it fresh and interesting.

Informative and helpful

I have a 13-year-old daughter who struggles with typical teen girl stuff and grows horns at times around the house. Although we have a pretty good relationship, as the mom, I receive the brunt of her angst, anger and criticism. I downloaded this book to help me have more positive and pleasant interactions with her, and I'm glad I did.

One of my biggest takeaways was how to handle her snotty attitude without escalating into a big, stressful argument. Instead of telling teens to "be respectful," Damour tells us to tell them to "be polite." Being "respectful" is somewhat vague, but most teens know how to be polite. Teens might not like what we're asking or telling them, but they need to respond politely. When my daughter's being rude, now I calmly point out that her words are rude and if she wants a response, she can rephrase her words.

Damour also says that teens need to learn that if they want others to do things for them, they need to act decently. If my daughter's acting snotty and then wants me to drop everything and take her somewhere, I can say something like, "I'd like to help you, but it's hard for me to want to do things for you when you're not being very nice to me."

The book also has a lot of good advice for helping girls with body image. I've recommended this book to several friends, including one who is a child therapist, and they all said the book was helpful.

About time.....

Through this book I could recognize myself as I too, was going through these stages. Now I can fully understand what my daughter is going through. And I love all the helpful suggestons, tried a few already and many argumets have been avoided and we both understood each others point of view. I have to admit, I thought the author had been secretly following us because the book was following our every aspect of our journey so far. I'll be re-reading in case I missed anything!

Mom of two teenage girls

Gave great insight to the teenage girl. Also gave me the insight that I need to give myself some grace. Their behavior is not my fault.

So disappointing

This book was a big disappointment. I kept waiting for her to give sound advice but the Information was so generic. I found she contradicted herself on what she was saying on so many topics. SOOO frustrating. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME ON THIS ONE!

"Excellent book, with a few caveats"

Overall, this book provides a very helpful framework for thinking about how to guide girls through adolescence. I really appreciated the ways Dr. Damour helped me think about the role of conflict, honesty, vulnerability, patience, and self-care in my relationship with my daughter. There were a few aspects of the book that I thought were a bit problematic. It was extremely hereto- and cis-normative, aside from a few short passages where Dr. Damour mentioned coming out as lesbian or transgender. Unfortunately, she didn’t discuss the wide range of queer identities or sexual/romantic relationships that may be relevant to adolescents, and she misgendered a hypothetical trans child. Yikes! There were some fatphobic and medically inaccurate references to weight gain as well. And her discussion of drug laws as being in response to the potential harm that can be caused by particular substances is historically and politically inaccurate, which is a bit problematic when it comes to having honest conversations with adolescent girls about substance use (and I was disappointed that there wasn’t a discussion of tobacco use and vaping, as that is a much bigger concern for me). That said, the book significantly shifted the way I have been thinking about my work as a parent of a pre-teen girl who is already taking up these developmental strands in her own behavior and thinking, and it has made me much more hopeful and excited about the years to come.

Great insights

This book was wonderful in its insights. It helped me find some logical reasons for what we saw as illogical behavior

I’m feeling untangled..

Book helped to remind me how awkward I was as a teen. Helped to assure me that my girl is totally “normal” and I learned some very good ways to start conversations on sex, drugs and overall changing behavior.
Thank you! I highly recommended