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There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

By: Jeff Mach
Narrated by: Jordan Reader
Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
Categories: Fiction, Humor
4.5 out of 5 stars (42 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me." 

Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of: 

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm. 

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground. 

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction. 

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him. 

....and 

The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it.  Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun. 

There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.

©2019 Jeff Mach (P)2019 Jeff Mach

What members say

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Very Balanced Story

I’m a first-time listener of the audiobook and plan to grab his other books. It was very entertaining and her ability to intertwine everything is absolutely amazing. She deserves to an award for this one.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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RIVETING

Thanks for the great audiobook! I would recommend this great book and any other book by Jeff Mach

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Amazing Author

Excellent story from the view of a Dark Lord, filled with sociological and mental thoughts. The Elves...may overwhelm you. Enjoy this story!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Very Well Written Story

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Who knew that a Dark Lord could be so immorally funny. This is a pleasant romp through an evil spirit. It is awesome.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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I liked it so much.

I almost quit understanding before really going into the book, and I am glad I did not. I expected a romance novel but instead found a PO philosophical meditation. In the end, I liked it so much.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Five Stars

From the get-go, this circular tale of darkness seemed into the whys and wherefores of evil, from a very reasonable prospect. Both the "villain" and "hero" of this tale are, like many fantasy cliches, two sides of the same coin. Of course, some coins have two heads/tails. I highly recommend this book.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Excellent Stpry

This is an excellent piece of fantasy fiction, told in the form of diary entries made by a fantasy Dark Lord, about the nature of good and evil in a fantasy world; of men, elves, dwarves, and orcs; and the Dark Lord's artificial enemy, the White Wizard, who permanently strengthens Chosen Ones to throw against the Dark Lord. There are also interludes from the journal of one of these poor Chosen Ones, who has begun to understand that not all is as the White Wizard has claimed . . . A excellent sort of anti-Tolkien work highly recommended to fans of high fantasy!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Five Stars

This book is unparalleled. It’s named and classified as satire, which is in no way a lie. But don’t think that it’s all a trick. Above all, this book is accurate. It forces listener and characters alike to face one unbeatable law of Man.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Interesting

This book remains in you in the chair of both Villain and Hero and explains you all the muddled up truths of Humanity, never forgetting to remind you that some truths are lies, and a Hero means everything.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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Complete Entertainment

I enjoyed this book. It is one of those books where the first line in the first chapter takes you and proceeds to hold on. It's hilarious and wonderful at the same time. I recommend this book.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 01-07-20

Entertaining Story with disappointing narration

Great book if you like lord of the rings as it's the dark lords take on a similar quest. Try to ignore the reader though. Good entertaining story which I thoroughly enjoyed but slightly marred by poor editing and narration that will hopefully get re-recorded at some point.

I loved the sarcastic tone and wit of the pro..ant..agonist? Yes that will do the agonist! For there is little doubt that the main character suffers for their craft and you are left feeling that a great injustice has been carried out and must be put right by a rag tag band of annoyed orcs that take real umbrage when they understand just how badly they have been screwed over. Loved it.

The problem arose when I noticed the narrator getting into character (that in itself is no bad thing) and loosing their power to pronounce words correctly. This happens numerous times and starts to get annoying towards the end.

The other problem is the lack of editing as retake after retake has been kept in so you keep hearing the same line twice every hour or so to the point where you think to yourself that the matrix is glitching hard that day.

In conclusion I loved the story and hope it gets the re-recording that it deserves some day.

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  • xeno
  • 10-03-19

Absolutely epic

Excellent story with great narration.
A story that entertains as well as makes you think.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Harper
  • 09-30-19

Wow!

I was riveted to the story from start to finish, it was very suspenseful and fast-paced. I like how he brought all the characters into the story and made them real. A very talented writer!!

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Jenson
  • 09-30-19

Extremely Interesting

Just wow I have never read anything from this author and this book was amazing the characters are great jack is such a sweet guy I couldn’t put this down can’t wait to read the next one in this series.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Joshua Arlo
  • 09-30-19

Very Interesting

Outstandingly written and intriguing. So realistic and hard to put down. I have to give the book a 5-star rating and buy more from this author. This author is a very good writer and keeps you very much interested in the story.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Darzi Jesse
  • 09-30-19

Great Story

Brilliant, fast-moving suspense. Tricks your mind to settle, yet the main character Never lets that happen. Well thought out and the edge of your seat thrills. I recommend it.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Sienna
  • 09-29-19

I Enjoyed It

Enjoyed this book from beginning to end. I found it very hard to stop reading and had to force myself to stop and go to bed.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Orla
  • 09-29-19

Enjoyable

I enjoyed this story had me guessing until the end. Loved the spunk and determination of the characters. Once I started listening to it I couldn't put it down until I finished it. Will be getting more of this author's books.

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  • Poppy
  • 09-29-19

Very Nice

Enjoyable characters with believable and sometimes rough relationships kept a good pace and my interest. Thank you to author for the clean writing.

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  • Jaime Jone
  • 09-22-19

Five Stars

This book shows us how evil sees itself and drops you seeking traditional fantasy tropes about Good vs Evil. This book is marked as Satire but I think it could just as easily be in a self-help kind. It just depends on where your ambitions lie. Awesome!