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Publisher's Summary

"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me." 

Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of: 

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm. 

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground. 

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction. 

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him. 

....and 

The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it.  Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun. 

There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.

©2019 Jeff Mach (P)2019 Jeff Mach

What listeners say about There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

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Couldn’t stop reading this book

I bought this book and was surprised with the quality. After checking out the author’s website, I realized he did all the drawings himself! Stunning.

6 people found this helpful

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Highly recommended

This was an excellent read that kept me on my toes from the first page to the last. I am not much of a sleuth, so as I read the book, I kept thinking, “don’t trust him” or “don’t trust her.” The ending was a surprise to me It never is to me, so I always wonder about those kinds of statements.. The book had me enthralled from beginning to end and I highly recommend it.

5 people found this helpful

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ABSOLUTEY THE PERFECT BOOK

The spiraling of events will leave you crying, hoping, and petrified. I felt an immense amount of compassion and remorse for our protagonist. I could not set this book down!

4 people found this helpful

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IMMACULATELY AND BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN

It has been a long time since i enjoyed reading something so much and I will continue to sing praises.

3 people found this helpful

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beautifully written

This is a must-read. Now that I think about it, all of Mr. Jeff Mach books are a must-read.

2 people found this helpful

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The story is delightful, narrator needs work

I love these sorts of irreverent stories, and I was greatly looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, I was unable to continue listening, as the random errors in the recitation, bizarre emphasis, and mispronunciation of certain words made it difficult to even follow the story for long.

2 people found this helpful

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Very Balanced Story

I’m a first-time listener of the audiobook and plan to grab his other books. It was very entertaining and her ability to intertwine everything is absolutely amazing. She deserves to an award for this one.

2 people found this helpful

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Amazing Author

Excellent story from the view of a Dark Lord, filled with sociological and mental thoughts. The Elves...may overwhelm you. Enjoy this story!

1 person found this helpful

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Very Well Written Story

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Who knew that a Dark Lord could be so immorally funny. This is a pleasant romp through an evil spirit. It is awesome.

1 person found this helpful

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I liked it so much.

I almost quit understanding before really going into the book, and I am glad I did not. I expected a romance novel but instead found a PO philosophical meditation. In the end, I liked it so much.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 01-07-20

Entertaining Story with disappointing narration

Great book if you like lord of the rings as it's the dark lords take on a similar quest. Try to ignore the reader though. Good entertaining story which I thoroughly enjoyed but slightly marred by poor editing and narration that will hopefully get re-recorded at some point.

I loved the sarcastic tone and wit of the pro..ant..agonist? Yes that will do the agonist! For there is little doubt that the main character suffers for their craft and you are left feeling that a great injustice has been carried out and must be put right by a rag tag band of annoyed orcs that take real umbrage when they understand just how badly they have been screwed over. Loved it.

The problem arose when I noticed the narrator getting into character (that in itself is no bad thing) and loosing their power to pronounce words correctly. This happens numerous times and starts to get annoying towards the end.

The other problem is the lack of editing as retake after retake has been kept in so you keep hearing the same line twice every hour or so to the point where you think to yourself that the matrix is glitching hard that day.

In conclusion I loved the story and hope it gets the re-recording that it deserves some day.

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  • xeno
  • 10-03-19

Absolutely epic

Excellent story with great narration.
A story that entertains as well as makes you think.

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  • Harper
  • 09-30-19

Wow!

I was riveted to the story from start to finish, it was very suspenseful and fast-paced. I like how he brought all the characters into the story and made them real. A very talented writer!!

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  • Jenson
  • 09-30-19

Extremely Interesting

Just wow I have never read anything from this author and this book was amazing the characters are great jack is such a sweet guy I couldn’t put this down can’t wait to read the next one in this series.

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  • Joshua Arlo
  • 09-30-19

Very Interesting

Outstandingly written and intriguing. So realistic and hard to put down. I have to give the book a 5-star rating and buy more from this author. This author is a very good writer and keeps you very much interested in the story.

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  • Sienna
  • 09-29-19

I Enjoyed It

Enjoyed this book from beginning to end. I found it very hard to stop reading and had to force myself to stop and go to bed.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Orla
  • 09-29-19

Enjoyable

I enjoyed this story had me guessing until the end. Loved the spunk and determination of the characters. Once I started listening to it I couldn't put it down until I finished it. Will be getting more of this author's books.

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  • Poppy
  • 09-29-19

Very Nice

Enjoyable characters with believable and sometimes rough relationships kept a good pace and my interest. Thank you to author for the clean writing.

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  • Royce Wiggins
  • 09-22-19

Five Stars

This book shows us how evil sees itself and drops you seeking traditional fantasy tropes about Good vs Evil. This book is marked as Satire but I think it could just as easily be in a self-help kind. It just depends on where your ambitions lie. Awesome!