• There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

  • By: Jeff Mach
  • Narrated by: Jordan Reader
  • Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
  • 4.0 out of 5 stars (64 ratings)

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There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

By: Jeff Mach
Narrated by: Jordan Reader
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Publisher's Summary

"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me." 

Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of: 

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm. 

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground. 

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction. 

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him. 

....and 

The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it.  Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun. 

There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.

©2019 Jeff Mach (P)2019 Jeff Mach

What listeners say about There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

Average Customer Ratings
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  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

The story is delightful, narrator needs work

I love these sorts of irreverent stories, and I was greatly looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, I was unable to continue listening, as the random errors in the recitation, bizarre emphasis, and mispronunciation of certain words made it difficult to even follow the story for long.

2 people found this helpful

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Very Balanced Story

I’m a first-time listener of the audiobook and plan to grab his other books. It was very entertaining and her ability to intertwine everything is absolutely amazing. She deserves to an award for this one.

2 people found this helpful

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Five Stars

This book is unparalleled. It’s named and classified as satire, which is in no way a lie. But don’t think that it’s all a trick. Above all, this book is accurate. It forces listener and characters alike to face one unbeatable law of Man.

1 person found this helpful

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Interesting

This book remains in you in the chair of both Villain and Hero and explains you all the muddled up truths of Humanity, never forgetting to remind you that some truths are lies, and a Hero means everything.

1 person found this helpful

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Complete Entertainment

I enjoyed this book. It is one of those books where the first line in the first chapter takes you and proceeds to hold on. It's hilarious and wonderful at the same time. I recommend this book.

1 person found this helpful

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Great Fantasy

This audiobook is a bit light on plot but it was too funny to care that much. I mean stories from the dark side? Yes, please. I have previously recommended it to other puzzling minds. It is amazing.

1 person found this helpful

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Awesome

This is a pleasing short story into the dark side! Here we have a fluent super villain pontificating their existence while besmirching the good names of elves and unicorns. I highly recommend this book.

1 person found this helpful

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Fun, dark satire and a great listen.

This book was fun, I really enjoyed hearing from the POV of the Dark Lord showing how fantasy isn't always so cut and dry, a whimsical idea with a good execuation. I recommend it if you're a fan of Tolkien or any general fantasy because there's lots of classic tropes and characters but shedding a different perspective on the subject.

1 person found this helpful

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You will love it or will hate it

I have look at dozens of book reviewing website for this book and I can say in my library of over 3000 audiobooks I have never seen such a split in half. I can literally only find one or five-star review with no exception.

1 person found this helpful

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So good, I bought the hardcopi then the audio book

Amazing story. Interesting theme. Good voice performance. Strange storyline at first, but then you get into it after the humor grabs you in just the first few minutes. It's been years since I've been able to get into a tilted-universe, philosophically-based type of Sci-Fi like (as mentioned in previous reviews) Douglas Adams, etc. Originally I started reading it on Kindle - liked it so much I bought not only one hardcopy for myself, but a second hardcopy for my oldest kid, then the Audible audio book for myself. Definitely an interesting and unique (but in a good way) work. It's one of those books/stories where I'm sure as I step away from it or discuss it with others who have read it as well, that I will come to realizations that I missed the first time around and be drawn back to read or listen to it again. That is the definition of a good book to me - one that draws you back again and again and again...

Expand your mindfulness. Definitely a worthwhile read...

NOTE REGARDING THE 1-STAR REVIEWS - there is a group of individuals out there (whom I have discovered through research on the author) have a personal vandetta against the writer. You will note that most of the 1-star reviews are NOT verified purchasers, but random (and sometimes anonymous) reviews from trite, childish, cowardly individuals who have not even purchased let alone read this book, but who are set out to effect this author's reputation.

I take great exception to this practice if for no other reason than it attempts to nullify the opinions by those of us who have purchased and have taken the time to read this work. I do not like bullies, regardless of the context.

If you are one who reads reviews like I am, please take into consideration the validity of the review, particularly those that don't even reference the contents of the book. I assure you, if you read the reviews intelligently enough, you can spot the ones who are not intelligent enough to have even read the book. Thank you.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 01-07-20

Entertaining Story with disappointing narration

Great book if you like lord of the rings as it's the dark lords take on a similar quest. Try to ignore the reader though. Good entertaining story which I thoroughly enjoyed but slightly marred by poor editing and narration that will hopefully get re-recorded at some point.

I loved the sarcastic tone and wit of the pro..ant..agonist? Yes that will do the agonist! For there is little doubt that the main character suffers for their craft and you are left feeling that a great injustice has been carried out and must be put right by a rag tag band of annoyed orcs that take real umbrage when they understand just how badly they have been screwed over. Loved it.

The problem arose when I noticed the narrator getting into character (that in itself is no bad thing) and loosing their power to pronounce words correctly. This happens numerous times and starts to get annoying towards the end.

The other problem is the lack of editing as retake after retake has been kept in so you keep hearing the same line twice every hour or so to the point where you think to yourself that the matrix is glitching hard that day.

In conclusion I loved the story and hope it gets the re-recording that it deserves some day.

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  • xeno
  • 10-03-19

Absolutely epic

Excellent story with great narration.
A story that entertains as well as makes you think.