Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A Guide to Knowing If Your Relationship Can - and Should - Be Saved

By: Lundy Bancroft, JAC Patrissi

Narrated by: Stephen R. Thorne

Length: 13 hrs and 51 mins

Publisher's Summary

In this supportive and straightforward guide, Lundy Bancroft, the author of Why Does He Do That?, and communication specialist JAC Patrissi offer a way for women to practically take stock of their relationships and move forward, with or without their partners. Women involved in chronically frustrating or unfulfilling relationships will learn to: tell the difference between a healthy yet difficult relationship and one that is really not working, recognize the signs that their partner has a serious problem, stop waiting to see what happens and make their own growth the top priority, and prepare for life without their partner, even as they keep trying to make the relationship work.

©2011 Lundy Bancroft and Judith Patrissi (P)2015 Tantor

Critic Reviews

"Women needing to check in objectively on their relationship's health will find this book quite useful." ( Publishers Weekly)

Paradigm Shift

This book completely shifted my paradigm. I found this book after my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I could not see why. I actually resented her for wanting to divorce me. While reading this book I identified my own self fascination and immaturity as the root cause of our marital problems. It has changed my outlook and the resentment I had towards her is gone.

Lundy Bancroft is literally my hero!

Jac Patrissi is also amazing for writing this book. I mention Lundy Bancroft because I first discovered him 6-7 years ago with his amazing book, "Why Does He Do That?" If you haven't listened yet, I HIGHLY recommend you get it. Sadly, I am still with the man for which I got Lundy's first book. I tried leaving him shortly after listening to the previous book, but I ended up going back. My spouse is great at convincing me that most of our problems are due to me, and I'm great at feeling guilt and shame over it. Oh, and my husband is great at getting me to doubt my own perceptions, which is also covered in this book. I willfully put on my wife blinders 6 years ago because I didn't want to face a failed marriage or life without my husband. I still love him, but like Tina Turner sings, "What's love got to do with it?" I've been getting drained emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. I've been slowly fading away, so the dynamics have to change.

Last February, my wife blinders fell off, as I knew they would when I was ready to face my pain. I knew the pain caused by my relationship would eventually outdo the pain of facing reality. Since my husband is great at getting me to doubt myself, this book offers validation so many times that I'm on the right track. It's like they wrote the book specifically with my husband in mind. It's validating to know that I'm not alone. It's validating to know there are well known character flaws and types, that my husband has several of these flaws, that there are explanations regarding why he lies, manipulates and abuses me, and what I can do to moving forward. The authors give so much detail and education, you will be able to make decisions regarding your next steps and specific situation. They also offer many exercises to help you put your energy towards you and not so much towards a destructive man and relationship.

I will listen to this book repeatedly. I need it in my ear to combat my husband's claims that everything is my fault. He hurt my feelings - it's my fault. He scares me when he drives. According to him, that's my fault, too. It's nice to have a book that explains why his actions are his responsibility. It helped me be able to clearly draw the line on his part vs my part. I have a clear path about what I can do and how I can ensure I don't stay in a destructive relationship. I don't do this book justice, but it's the best one I'm read on abusive, narcissistic, immature, and/or addicted men. The authors give helpful information whether you decide to stay or leave. They understand the complications of a destructive relationship, and they understand that it has to be our decision. But wow, it's amazing how much they cleared things up up for me. I see my relationship more clearly than I ever have. I clearly see what I want to do next.

Unable to finish

I was unable to finish this book so far as I did not find much that was relating to me and my situation. Very much around abuse verbal or physical and that was and is not my martial issue.

Excellent descriptions

The author really delves in to get to the root of a dysfunctional relationship and offers many solutions and outcomes for various scenarios.. He is not biased but very stern on how an individual should evaluate and access their own situation

Loved it!

Very helpful! Now I know what I need to do, and where my spouse currently is in himself. I feel a weight off, just knowing I'm not going crazy, and his research backs me up. Thank you!

Read this book now. Don't wait like I did.

Save yourself precious time and start now. A healing journey, however that will look, waits for you. This book can help in all stages of a relationship, however I urge you to start now and reclaim your life!!
UPDATE 3/22 - I am still referring to this book and recommending it to others. It truly helped me understand the decision I made (to leave) was the right one and now I am back to thriving in my life. Healing has not been easy but it I would not trade it for anything!

useful even if single. you need this

So if you have not read "why does he do that" READ IT. It will help you release feeling like you need to coach and soothe others who are not good in your life. And identify them etc.

But I also bought his other audiobook (well I bought all of them lol) "SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO" Lundy Bancroft

For reference, I am single, assertive and thriving. Had some abuse and neglect in childhood. Within the first thirty minutes of the book my mind was blown multiple times. Lundy outlines really specific behavior of him AND you (things you might feel or notice him doing that aren't directly abuse) that's not really touched on in other abuse books. It's not "lighthearted" but it's not a victim-wallowing book. Within 30 minutes he's laid out some cold hard FACTS that I can never un-hear.

He says men who watch porn are conditioned to see women as "not human beings" and rape as sexy. I agree with him what with all the rough porn and porn in general.

As I was listening for thirty minutes, almost everything he said was empowering. He's a man who has counseled angry men for 30 years. several times he said "how do you feel when you read that last section?" and "do you feel uncomfortable reading that?" and tells you to take a breath. it's like having a personal therapist

Even if you are single or in a great relationship, YOU NEED THIS BOOK. It will help you release a lot of baggage and inform you of red flags but it's very read-able .. not clinical and not hopeless. Really helpful book, Just as helpful or more than "why does he do that". It includes information on immature men, men with issues, etc not just "abuse". Soooo helpful. almost every sentence resonated with me and my past. I even felt called out a little with my unhealthy patterns lol but in a good way. very eye opening. every single sentence blew my mind.

this is the only book on relationships you'll ever need. wow. thank you Lundy. great narrator too I'm glad he picked a man.

I would love if Lundy would turn his most recent book into an audible....I really love the audio because I need someone to read it to me and hold my hand. hard to force myself to read a physical book about abuse. but this book is actually pretty uplifting regardless of the subject matter. I would have paid a thousand dollars for this book.

Great book. Buying hard copy as well.

The title is misleading because it was super helpful for me and I’ve already left my marriage. I wish I would have listened to it earlier as I would have felt more confident and strong in my choosing to leave and probably would have left earlier. I have dozens of books and have listened to a bunch about toxic, abusive, and manipulative partners but this one takes the cake as the most helpful. I felt seen and heard, finally. The author thoroughly understood my relationship and what I’ve been through and gave me helpful advice to move forward and I’ll refer back to this book whenever I need to hear his solid advice again. I’m forever grateful for this author.

A must read for women who are in u healthy relationships

If you are unhappy in your current relationship this is a MUST read for you. I am well read and know enough about human psychology, experienced my share of trauma in life to know this is a must must must read book for you. It’s realistic, it’s non-judgmental, it’s practical, well researched and simply the best manual for helping you sort through tough decisions.

This book is life changing

One of the best book's I ever read in my life. full of knowledge and wisdom.