After discovering a partner's affair, many people ask the same question: Am I going crazy?

You love this person deeply — and part of you wants to walk out the door. That contradiction isn't a sign something is wrong with you. It's what happens when betrayal creates an internal war between competing parts of who you are.

In this solo episode, Todd Creager breaks down what he calls the Civil War of Betrayal — and why both the person who was cheated on and the person who cheated experience this painful internal conflict.

Using the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd explains the three distinct inner parts that get activated in the aftermath of infidelity: the managers (the part obsessively checking phones, gathering evidence, trying to stay in control), the firefighters (the part that acts out in anger, revenge, or impulsive decisions to escape the pain), and the exiles (the deep wound underneath it all — often tied to old feelings of abandonment that this betrayal has brought back to the surface).

Todd also introduces what IFS calls the Self — that part of you that holds the capacity for compassion, clarity, curiosity, and calm. When the Self leads, something different becomes possible: instead of reacting from your most wounded or most angry place, you get curious. You start to ask what part of me is doing this right now? And that question changes everything.

Drawing from a real couple he worked with — he calls them John and Lucy — Todd walks through how IFS combined with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helped them move from blame and reactivity to genuine understanding. Their relationship didn't go back to what it was before. In some ways, it became deeper than it had ever been.

If you or your partner are somewhere in the middle of this — loving each other and hurting each other at the same time — this episode gives you a language for what's actually happening inside. And a starting point for something better.

When you're ready to go further, check out Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit — a resource he created specifically for couples in the early, most disorienting stages of betrayal recovery.

https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/infidelity-first-aid

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What draws someone back to a relationship they know is hurting them — and what does it take to finally walk away?

In this episode, Todd sits down with author and spiritual counselor Stephen Paul Edwards, whose memoir The Venus Fly Trap chronicles one of the most intense, chaotic, and revealing relationships of his life. Named by the woman at the center of it all, the title says everything — and nothing you're quite prepared for.

Stephen shares openly about falling hard for a woman he recognized early on as dangerous, and staying anyway. What follows is a candid, often funny conversation about gaslighting, borderline personality disorder (BPD), childhood trauma, and the complicated reality that toxic relationships are rarely all bad.

Todd and Stephen dig into why smart, self-aware people end up in relationships that slowly erode their sense of reality, what BPD actually looks like to live alongside, and why the partner on the receiving end often blames themselves.

They also explore the current sexual revolution — shifting attitudes around monogamy, sexuality, and identity — and whether polyamory or monogamy can both be done well or badly depending on the people involved.

At the heart of it all is the work Todd talks about with clients regularly: facing the parts of ourselves we've spent a lifetime hiding. Stephen's memoir forced him to stop running and look inward — the same work that often marks the difference between a relationship that survives and one that doesn't.

If you've ever stayed past the point you should have, this one will feel familiar.

Access a free copy of Stephen's bonus book, The Venus Flytrap: Madness and Mayhem here: https://bit.ly/3MvAtAa

To learn more about Stephen's book or access free resources, visit VFT23.com. If this episode brought something up in your own relationship, reach out to Todd at toddcreager.com.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What if the "insecurity" you've been working so hard to reassure isn't insecurity at all?

In this solo episode, Todd Creager—a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience—walks you through one of the most confusing dynamics he sees in his practice: when what looks like a partner's fear and need for reassurance is actually a pattern of manipulation and control.

Todd explains the key differences between genuine insecurity and deliberate manipulation. Someone who is truly insecure may need reassurance, but they'll also take responsibility for their actions, apologize sincerely, and work to respect your boundaries over time. A person who is manipulating, on the other hand, keeps moving the goalpost—what satisfied them yesterday becomes a problem today. They rarely apologize, and when you bring up your own pain, the conversation gets turned back around onto you.

This episode covers several warning signs to watch for: when your sense of reality gets questioned until you start doubting your own memory; when jealousy turns into isolation from friends and family under the guise of "protecting" you; and when the silent treatment becomes a tool for punishment rather than a sign of hurt feelings. Todd draws a clear line between fear-based insecurity and power-based manipulation—one comes from a place of wanting connection, the other from wanting control.

If you've been weathered down over time and feel like you've lost your sense of self, this episode offers clarity. Todd shares how he helps clients begin to trust their own perception again by asking simple questions: What do I think? What do I feel? What would I believe if my partner wasn't telling me otherwise?

Whether you recognize these patterns in your own relationship or in someone you care about, this conversation can be a starting point for understanding what's really happening—and what you can do next.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out. Todd works with individuals and couples navigating these complex dynamics and is here to help you find your footing again.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

You know they lied. You've seen the evidence. So why can't you just move on?

In this episode, Todd addresses one of the most painful experiences in relationships: loving someone who has betrayed your trust through infidelity or other serious lies. Drawing from real cases in his practice, he explains the psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance—when your reality of love and commitment conflicts with the truth you're now facing.

Todd walks through three core tensions that keep you stuck: the love you felt versus the reality you're confronting, your emotional attachment versus the evidence of betrayal, and your hope for change versus the fear of abandoning yourself. He explains why it's completely normal to feel confused, even when the facts are clear.

This isn't about quick fixes. Todd acknowledges that some partners do change and relationships can heal, but he's equally honest about the work required and the time it takes to know if real change is happening. You'll hear practical guidance on how to be kind to yourself during this process, how to recognize genuine transformation in your partner (not just crisis management), and how to hold space for hope without losing yourself.

If you're questioning why you can't let go, or if you feel stuck between wanting to trust again and protecting yourself, this episode offers perspective and validation. Todd's 30 years of clinical experience helps you understand what's happening inside you—so you can make clearer decisions about what comes next.

This is honest talk about the messy middle of relationship recovery, where everything feels contradictory and nothing feels simple.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

Have you ever felt like something's off in your relationship, but your partner keeps telling you you're the problem? That knot in your stomach, that nagging sense that things aren't right—what if it's not your imagination?

In this episode, Todd addresses gaslighting—a pattern where one partner makes the other doubt their own reality. Sometimes it's calculated, sometimes it's unconscious self-protection, but the result is the same: you stop trusting yourself. You walk through your own home like you're stepping through a minefield, wondering what will set things off next.

Todd has worked with countless men and women who lived this way for years. They'd cover for their partner, make excuses to family and friends, anything to keep the peace. And when they finally stepped away—or when the relationship healed through honest work—they'd say, "My God, it was never me. It felt like me when I was with them, but it never was."

Todd shares a story from his own practice: a man who walked into his first session hurling insults, trying to intimidate. His wife had been living in that storm for years, second-guessing herself constantly. Through their work together, Todd helped the wife reconnect with her own instincts while helping the husband face the pain underneath his behavior—childhood abuse from a critical father that he'd never addressed. Years later, Todd ran into the wife. She told him her husband had become "a teddy bear." The relationship survived because both partners did the hard work.

Here's what Todd wants you to know: If you feel invisible, if you're constantly told you're overreacting, if you've learned to shrink yourself to avoid conflict—that's not you being difficult. That's your gut telling you something real. The first step is finding someone you can trust, whether that's a friend, family member, or a therapist, to help you see clearly again.

Your gut isn't wrong. And you can get free from this, whether that means leaving or—in some cases—rebuilding the relationship on healthier ground.

If this resonates with you, share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. And if you're ready to reconnect with your own truth, reach out. Todd is here to help.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

Have you noticed your partner acting differently but they tell you you're imagining things? You might be dealing with something more than just infidelity.

In this episode, Todd talks about what happens when someone who's cheated uses gaslighting to avoid taking responsibility. He walks through the specific tactics unfaithful partners use—from denying obvious behavior changes to minimizing what actually happened.

Todd explains how gaslighting works as a protective mechanism for the person who betrayed. They might tell you you're overreacting when you notice they're staying late at work. They might change their phone password and then say "Why don't you trust me?" They might even suggest you need therapy for being suspicious. The person who betrayed often uses these tactics because they don't want to face their own shame or lose their family.

From his three decades working with couples, Todd describes the "drip method"—where someone admits to one thing but leaves out critical details. You find out about a one-night stand, then discover months of text messages that led up to it. The person who betrayed rewrites events to make themselves look better, sometimes even claiming they were the victim of someone else's aggression.

If you're constantly questioning yourself or thinking "what's wrong with me?" around your partner, you may be experiencing gaslighting. Todd covers the most common gaslighting strategies: denying the obvious, reversing blame, rewriting what happened, and using anger to shut down your questions. These tactics can make the betrayed partner feel unstable and disoriented—even before they know about the infidelity.

This episode is for anyone who's noticed changes in their relationship and gotten defensive responses when they bring it up. Todd's approach is straightforward: name what's happening, step out of self-blame, and recognize these patterns for what they are.

Listen if you're trying to make sense of confusing responses from your partner or want to understand the connection between cheating and manipulation.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What happens when you shut down during a fight with your partner—when your chest tightens, your voice vanishes, and you feel small like a scolded child?

Todd explains why some people collapse during conflict while others lash out. It's not about caring less—it's about caring so much that your nervous system shuts down from shame. When shame takes over, you disappear emotionally. Your partner might see it as indifference, but the truth is you're stuck in an emotional freeze response.

In this episode, Todd shares the story of Cheryl and Jerry, a couple caught in a painful pattern. Every time Jerry expressed frustration or disappointment, Cheryl would collapse into shame. She felt like a bad child, unable to access her adult self. One client described it perfectly: "Every time we argue, I feel like a six-year-old who just wants to hide in my room."

The turning point came when Cheryl learned to recognize the moment shame kicked in. Instead of spiraling, she placed her hand on her heart and whispered, "You're safe now." She grounded herself with her breath, felt her feet on the floor, and imagined her adult self stepping forward. Then—still quiet, still tender—she sat beside Jerry. He later told her, "That was the first time I felt like you stayed, like you didn't disappear into shame."

Here's what Todd wants you to know: Shame tells you to apologize your way back to connection. It doesn't work. Real repair doesn't come from self-erasure or over-explaining. It comes from presence. Your partner doesn't want a shame-ridden version of you. They want you whole, grounded, and available.

If you notice yourself slipping into shame, try this: Name it ("This is shame, it's not the truth"), notice how it feels in your body, then regulate through breathing and grounding. Finally, reconnect—sit close, breathe with your partner, and let your presence speak.

Todd offers a free guide to help: "Three Ways to Reconnect Without Talking"—practical steps to repair your relationship when shame makes words feel impossible.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What happens when the person you love most goes quiet—not yelling, not fighting, just... gone?

In this episode, Todd Creager addresses one of the most painful patterns in relationships: silent punishment. It's not always intentional. You've been hurt, so you pull back. You turn away. You go cold. It feels like self-protection, but to your partner, it feels like rejection.

Todd shares the story of Ken and Terry, a couple stuck in a cycle where defensiveness led to withdrawal, and withdrawal led to loneliness. Terry stopped trying because Ken kept dismissing her feelings. Ken felt alone because Terry stopped reaching out. Both were protecting themselves—and both were suffering.

The turning point? Terry did something small but significant. Instead of leaving the room during their next argument, she stayed. She sat on the couch with her back turned, still struggling, but physically present. That one act of silent presence—not silent treatment—opened the door for their first honest, soft moment in months.

Todd explains why conflict doesn't always need to be solved through talking. Sometimes connection starts in the body. The silent cold shoulder feels like control. Silent presence feels like repair. When you stay in the room—not to punish, but to witness—you're telling your partner: I'm still here. I'm still open.

This episode offers practical guidance on recognizing when you're withdrawing as punishment versus self-protection, and how to use non-verbal communication to repair your relationship. Todd walks you through what it looks like to let your body say "I'm still here" when your words can't.

📥 FREE RESOURCE:

3 Ways to Reconnect Without Talking More Get my free guide here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12nB56OixUXF1AdDhZEu3oowYrcoA5puCpG0gbUdn4Eg/template/preview

📥 Say YES to a Better Relationship: Enroll in the Loving & Connecting Masterclass and get lifetime access to powerful, science-backed strategies that turn conflict into connection—on your schedule. https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...