What if the biggest problem in your relationship isn't that you disagree, fight, or even hurt each other? What if the problem is that, somewhere along the way, you stopped taking care of the "us"? Taking care of the "us" means learning to listen even when we disagree. It means becoming curious about a point of view we don't share instead of mentally rehearsing our rebuttal while our partner is still talking. It means recognizing that understanding someone isn't the same as agreeing with them—and that taking responsibility for our part doesn't mean accepting all the blame.

There are some emotions we talk about all the time, and then there are emotions we quietly tuck away because we're not proud of them. Envy is one of those emotions. We rarely admit it, rarely examine it, and almost never talk about it honestly. Yet it may be one of the most revealing emotions we experience. While jealousy has become a common topic in relationships, envy usually remains hidden, almost as if acknowledging it would make us a bad person.

Relationships help us grow up. That's one of the things I love about them, even though sometimes it's also one of the things we like the least. Our relationships hold up a mirror to us. They show us where we're generous and where we're selfish, where we're patient and where we're defensive, where we're good listeners and where we're already preparing our rebuttal before the other person has finished talking. And it's so much easier to point the finger at someone else.