And Then They Stopped Talking to Me

Making Sense of Middle School

De: Judith Warner

Narrado por: Judith Warner

Through the stories of kids and parents in the middle school trenches, a New York Times bestselling author reveals why these years are so painful, how parents unwittingly make them worse, and what we all need to do to grow up.

“As the parent of a middle schooler, I felt as if Judith Warner had peered into my life—and the lives of many of my patients. This is a gift to our kids and their future selves.”—Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

The French have a name for the uniquely hellish years between elementary school and high school: l’âge ingrat, or “the ugly age.” Characterized by a perfect storm of developmental changes—physical, psychological, and social—the middle school years are a time of great distress for children and parents alike, marked by hurt, isolation, exclusion, competition, anxiety, and often outright cruelty. Some of this is inevitable; there are intrinsic challenges to early adolescence. But these years are harder than they need to be, and Judith Warner believes that adults are complicit.

With deep insight and compassion, Warner walks us through a new understanding of the role that middle school plays in all our lives. She argues that today’s helicopter parents are overly concerned with status and achievement—in some ways a residual effect of their own middle school experiences—and that this worsens the self-consciousness, self-absorption, and social “sorting” so typical of early adolescence.

Tracing a century of research on middle childhood and bringing together the voices of social scientists, psychologists, educators, and parents, Warner’s book shows how adults can be moral role models for children, making them more empathetic, caring, and resilient. She encourages us to start treating middle schoolers as the complex people they are, holding them to high standards of kindness, and helping them see one another as more than “jocks and mean girls, nerds and sluts.”

Part cultural critique and part call to action, this essential book unpacks one of life’s most formative periods and shows how we can help our children not only survive it but thrive.

Reseñas de la Crítica

“Fascinating . . . well researched . . . Judith Warner interviews scores of fellow middle school survivors in her accomplished and highly readable new book. . . . She also gets personal with her tales of middle school woe—both as a former student and as a parent.”—Shannon Hale, The New York Times Book Review

“With clarity, compassion, and insight, And Then They Stopped Talking to Me brilliantly captures the landscape of kids’ experiences today and the psychological, familial, and cultural forces shaping them. Along the way, Warner debunks age-old myths and offers practical guidance that every parent can use. This is a gift to our kids and their future selves.”—Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

“Judith Warner offers both fascinating social history and practical advice on a life-stage that sends many adults into a PTSD spiral. She shows how, by compassionately revisiting their own pasts, parents can truly support early adolescents in developing the building blocks for long-term happiness.”—Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex and Girls & Sex

“I don’t know a single adult who did not feel alone, insecure, or deeply self-conscious in middle school. Warner puts the pieces of the puzzle together to show us just how not-alone we were.”—Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and Enough As She Is

“I have often advised parents not to allow themselves to be sucked back into middle school when they see their children’s distress or hear their war stories. But I had no guidebook to offer them. Now I do.”—Michael G. Thompson, co-author of Raising Cain

“Warner has written a compulsively readable book . . . I only wish I’d had it on my bedside table when my own kids were adolescents. But I’d actually recommend it for parents at any stage, as it holds a mirror up to us as much as to our kids.”—Anne-Marie Slaughter, author of Unfinished Business: Women Men Work Family

“I learned a tremendous amount reading this book!”—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes and Masterminds & Wingmen

“Judith Warner’s remarkable, compassionate, fascinating look at the terrifying abyss that is called middle school has given me a perspective and insight that I only wish I’d had decades ago. It’s a must.”—Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother and A Really Good Day

“An indispensable parents’ companion for navigating one of the most challenging and extraordinary stages in life.”—Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege and Ready or Not

Not a how to guide…

If you are looking for a book to give you answers around how to deal with pre-teens this isn’t it.

What it is… is a well researched and in depth history explaining how our culture has created the preteen. There is a lot of good information here to educate yourself so you can be better prepared when dealing with these years.

But if you want a detailed instruction guide. Look elsewhere

Only thing I've read that has helped JHS trauma

I actually had to stop listening to this book for several weeks because it felt so uncomfortable to re-experience junior high school feelings--but was just able to finish it. It was ultimately healing. Warner nailed it when she explains that that life stage caused lifelong trauma in adults but that they have left it unprocessed and unquestioned. Her book helps one do the thing that helps - reframe what happened, reframe who you thought you were, and as a result reframe who you are. She perceptively blames bad American junior high behavior on the values of the larger society--children of that age are not inevitably programmed to be morally reprehensible. Believe it or not, the idea that things didn't have to be the way they were, that the kids' personalities and social positioning behaviors weren't fixed in stone, that the me that is descended from that junior high self wasn't and is not fixed in stone, is a new idea. It allows empathy for people fixed in memory as enemies and empathy for a newly discovered and less flattering version of one's junior high self.

An outstanding book that gives cause to reflect.

We are not the author’s intended audience. We are in our mid seventies, married over 50 years. My wife and I listened to the entire book together, a chapter a day. We both considered chapter 7, an incredible chapter for the insight it provided. My wife was verbally bullied by other girls, at the start of seventh grade. She had been happy until then. She was not invited to birthday parties. That gave her very low self esteem and led to poor decisions. She felt she was worthless to humanity, until I came along, just after she graduated high school. She thought she was the only girl treated this way, in junior high. The book gave her tremendous insight into the fact that she was bullied, and that her treatment was not unique. The book in effect, made her feel normal. We have had a wonderful 50 year plus marriage, and as she has stated, “ I’ve had a wonderful life. It really depends on who you marry.”

Feels like a research paper...

This book is filled with references to research done by the author but lacking in what I sought. As the parent of two middle-school aged children, I was hoping for some actionable steps or advice on how to help my kids face the challenge of these years. Kind of like a map, the book tells you about the obstacles and path a middle schooler will go through but it tells you little about the experience. It doesn't provide wisdom or suggest ways to overcome those obstacles. Its more of an encyclopedia than a bible.

Not a helpful book

Not a very helpful book for a teacher who teaches middle school. Used too many examples from the 70s and doesn’t seem to get the fact that kids this age exaggerate to appear cool. The last part of the book provided some good information but people might loose their interest before getting into the last part