It's not the blow-ups that do the most damage in a relationship — it's the quieter stuff. The look you misread, the deadline you missed again, the apology you've given so many times it stopped meaning anything. For those of us with ADHD, these small misconnections harden faster because we arrive already carrying a lifetime of being told we're too much or not enough. Dr. Dodge Rea is back to help us name what's really happening beneath the surface when relationships start to calcify.

Dodge walks us through the concept of misattunement — the challenge of being both intact and in touch at the same time — and why ADHD brains and neurotypical brains can miss each other without anyone being at fault. He shares a powerful reframe: "It's not your fault and it's not your fate, but it is yours." Both partners have ownership work to do, and it starts with putting down the shame long enough to actually talk about what's hard. From the kitchen stepladder analogy to his expanded Ferrari metaphor, Dodge offers language that makes the invisible patterns in ADHD relationships finally feel speakable.

Pete and Nikki bring their own experiences to the table — Pete on the fear of being "generalized forgetful" and Nikki on the compassion required from the non-ADHD partner. Together they explore why shame makes everything about your value, how all-or-nothing thinking accelerates the spiral, and what it looks like to meet your experience with authenticity instead of defensiveness.

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (02:57) - The Relational Toll of ADHD over Time with Dr. Dodge Rea
• (04:39) - Misattunement
• (17:25) - Conflict
• (26:45) - The 5'2" Story
• (39:49) - What Does The Work Look Like?

If you have ADHD, chances are you've developed a deeply ingrained habit of apologizing — for being late, for forgetting, for talking too long, for existing in a way that feels like an inconvenience. In this episode, Nikki and Pete unpack why over-apologizing is so common in the ADHD experience and how rejection sensitive dysphoria fuels the cycle. They explore what happens on the receiving end when apologies become emotional labor for someone else, and why pre-apologizing can actually undermine your credibility and prevent others from having their own authentic reactions.

The conversation moves from apology into repair — a critical distinction. Where an apology is one-directional, repair is a two-party activity built on acknowledging impact, taking responsibility, and resetting the relationship. Nikki walks through the framework of acknowledge, repair, reset, and Pete shares a powerful lesson from his own therapist: your power ends with your skin. You get to own your part, but you don't get to own someone else's forgiveness timeline. They also dig into why self-compassion isn't optional — it's the foundation that makes real repair possible.

This episode also comes with a free downloadable resource: "Repair Scripts for Real Life: The ADHD Repair Guide," featuring five ready-to-use scripts for situations that come up for ADHDers every single week. Grab your copy Right Here!

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (00:57) - Looking for Membership?
• (02:56) - How to Repair without Over-Apologizing

Being called "low maintenance" feels like a win — until you realize the price you've been paying to earn it. In this episode, Pete and Nikki dig into why so many people with ADHD build their identity around not needing anything from anyone, and what happens when the bill comes due.

Pete defines maintenance as the information, time, supports, accommodations, and care that let you function without constant internal triage — and argues that nobody is maintenance free. Together they explore the privatized support behaviors that keep ADHDers silent: not asking for written instructions, not requesting deadline extensions while drowning, saying "whatever works for you" when you have strong preferences, and hiding the enormous effort required to look effortless.

The conversation introduces two low maintenance archetypes — the Ghost, who disappears when overwhelmed and returns like nothing happened, and the Fixer, who over-functions to become indispensable and then collapses. Pete and Nikki explore what both patterns cost: exhaustion, resentment, mystery anger, relationship distortion, and identity erosion.

This is an episode about learning to say "I matter" — two words that don't require a journaling practice or a checklist, just the courage to believe them. Plus, Nikki drops a powerful reframe: when you start asking for help, you open the door for others to do the same.

Download the Relearning Maintenance Worksheet that accompanies this episode right here!

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (00:56) - Support the Show on Patreon
• (02:21) - What does it mean when we say we're Low Maintenance?

This episode turns into a stealth self-care intervention when James Ochoa joins Pete and Nikki and immediately drags “motivation” out of the tidy, planner-friendly realm and into the messy, bodily reality of fear, avoidance, and chronic stress. They start with the familiar ADHD paradox—knowing exactly what to do and still not being able to do it—and James reframes that stuckness as normal rather than shameful, then introduces “resourcing” as the practical antidote: not a single trick, but layered supports (internal and external) that make motion possible even when meaning, willpower, and good intentions aren’t showing up.

From there, the conversation gets uncomfortably specific in the best way, as Pete uses a long-avoided dermatologist appointment to walk through what “functional pressure” and relationship-based accountability can look like in real time. They explore why the hardest part is often the moment before the call, why eight-out-of-ten certainty is a workable target, and how to build a personal “wind-making” kit—scripts, sensory cues, body movement, tiny rituals, and other anchors that help you cross the threshold from uncertainty to action. The live chat brings in real-world complications (sleep issues, pain, dental trauma, AuDHD scripting and emotion tagging), and James offers concrete, compassionate ways to get support without muscling through alone—because the point isn’t to never fall off the wagon, it’s to get better at restarting.

Links & Notes

• James Ochoa
• Focused Forward by James Ochoa
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (03:25) - Introducing James Ochoa
• (04:08) - Finding Meaning
• (20:14) - Making Your Own Wind
• (35:28) - Chronic Stress and Adult ADHD
• (40:27) - Writing, Writing, Writing

That “this year will be different” promise feels so good when it’s fresh… and so brutal when the old patterns quietly return. In this episode, Pete and Nikki unpack why that boom-and-bust cycle hits so hard for ADHD brains: the early dopamine of a new system (or a newly organized sock drawer), the unrealistic maintenance expectations baked into most productivity advice, and the emotional crash that follows when the setup doesn’t hold.

They dig into the real trap underneath the resolution mindset—living in the gap between who you were yesterday and who you hope to be tomorrow—and how to pull your attention back to the only place you actually have leverage: today. Along the way, they talk about why asking for help can feel so risky (hello, shame and RSD), how to regulate before you ask, and what it looks like to reframe help as advocacy instead of rescue. The goal isn’t becoming someone new. It’s learning to support the person you already are, with more time, more buffer, and a lot less self-punishment.

Links & Notes

• Free download! How to Ask for Help Without the Guilt

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (02:27) - Letting Go of the "This Year will be a Different Story" Story 😉

When you're running on empty, your emotions hit harder and last longer. This week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast, Pete and Nikki explore what happens to emotional regulation when you're already depleted—and what you can actually do about it.

Building on last week's conversation about compassionate reframing, this episode dives into the physiology behind emotional dysregulation and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Pete shares insights from the polyvagal theory and the concept of the "vagal brake," explaining why breathing alone isn't enough when you're in fight-or-flight mode.

Nikki breaks down the differences between emotional regulation, emotional dysregulation, and RSD with real examples that anyone with ADHD will recognize. Then they walk through practical grounding techniques that actually work—from ice cold water to wall push-ups to finding safe connection with others.

You'll learn why your ADHD brain feels emotions at 100% when others are at 50%, why that negative comment from ten years ago still lives rent-free in your head, and how to create safety for your nervous system when you're already overwhelmed.

Plus, get the free downloadable guide: "Regulate and Reframe: A Guide for Emotional Dysregulation and RSD" with simple tools to help you ground, reset, and find your way back to safety.

Links & Notes

• Download Regulate and Reframe: A Guide for Emotional Dysregulation and RSD
• The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen W. Porges
• Polyvagal Perspectives by Stephen W. Porges
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (03:01) - Emotional Regulation
• (11:31) - Signs Your Tank is Empty

Pete and Nikki kick off the new season by naming the thing nobody wants to put on a vision board: the post-holiday crash. If you’ve come out the other side feeling “behind,” they argue you’re not failing—you’re recovering. And because ADHD loves a transition about as much as it loves a quiet restaurant, that return-to-normal whiplash can hit harder than you expect.

The temptation, of course, is to fix the feeling by buying a brand-new feeling: new planner, new system, new you, new personality, new carbon-based lifeform. Nikki gently drags that impulse into the daylight and offers a more realistic move—skip the reinvention and reestablish one anchor routine you already know helps. Something small, repeatable, and boring in the way that’s actually useful, whether it’s hydration, an end-of-day reset, or getting sleep back on purpose instead of by accident.

They also lean into compassionate reframing—swapping the “I blew it” narrative for language that’s both true and less cruel—because shame is a famously unreliable productivity tool. There’s a new resource tied to that idea, too, and it’s meant to be the quick handrail you grab when January starts acting like a performance review.

Links & Notes

📃 Download Compassionate Reframing for the ADHD Brain

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (02:23) - You're Not Behind... You're Exhausted

To close out Season 31, we turned the microphones over to someone who knows us better than almost anyone in our community: Melissa Bacheler, our DiscordMom, friend, and occasional chaos agent. Instead of the usual coaching, planning, and problem-solving, Melissa surprises us with a full-blown quiz-show-style conversation designed to reveal stories we’ve never told on air. No points, no pressure—just questions that spark nostalgia, laughter, and a surprising amount of self-reflection.

Melissa steers us through three big categories: personal hobbies, memories from childhood and adolescence, and a handful of wildly imaginative “what if” scenarios. Nikki talks about her deep love of puzzles, watercolor, country music, and solitude. Pete shares his affection for filmmaking, collaborative storytelling, woodworking, and turning every car he’s ever owned into a “Doctor.” Together, they trade stories about childhood fears, nicknames that should never have been uttered in public, their dream cars, early celebrity crushes, and the music that scored each decade of their lives.

And then Melissa goes for the big swings: Who would coach Pete if he could choose any fictional character? How would Nikki run the show if Pete were abducted by aliens—or voluntarily uploaded to the cloud, which frankly sounds inevitable? The answers—if you’ve listened to the show long enough—are deeply on brand.

This is a relaxed end-of-season celebration with the person who keeps our Discord running and our community grounded. Thank you for an incredible Season 31—and yes, Season 32 begins in the new year!

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (01:03) - Support the Show on Patreon!
• (02:02) - Quiz Show!
• (04:13) - Hobby Lob-by
• (17:03) - Nostalgia Nuggets
• (37:57) - What If Fantasies