Losing someone who was first to know of what I went through, the one who baptized me. The one who reach out to me when I sick with Covid. The one who passed away, before I was Covid. There isn’t a day where I don’t miss you. You checked on me multiple time throughout my life, and the fact you passed six days after my birthday. It would make the month of January even harder for me. My uncle’s birthday is January 10th, my birthday is January 23rd, my grandfathers birthday was January 25th and Matt Hearn passed away January 29th. Two people who I was close to, are forever gone. Matt Hearn passed away from Cancer, My grandfather passed away from old age. He passed away when he was 90 and I was 20 years old. We were 70 years apart. Matt Hearn passed away after my 22 birthday. My grandfather passed away August 23rd. My grandmother and neighbor would pass four days part and the year I turned 23 years old., during year of 2022. Matt Hearn passed away in the year of 2021, the year I was 22 years old. Many numbers have meaningful moments you cherish, while many numbers have moments that will stay with you forever. Being 26 now, in the year of 2025, all the numbers are now numbers I cherish but will forever be my favorite. Who am I supposed to talk, when the ones who I was close with took apart of me with them. You learn to accept what is, but the grief never really goes away, it just becomes something you learn to accept.

From six months to six years, did you think I would forget? You went from going to engage, to going through my social media pages like

I would give you another chance. Not only did you ghost me and blocked me, you went behind my back to friends instead of me. I get that your mom just passed away and that within itself changes everyone, but you still treated me like trash,. I don’t even know what hurt even worse, the fact that I was there for you or the fact that you never cared. Decency to keep my nights, for years I kept what you did to myself. My life was peaceful until you decided to show back up. No apology or excuse could excuse what you did and how I felt about it. I could have gone to your commander, or I could have treated you the same way but I didn’t. I moved on with my life. I found someone who won’t ghost me or block me when life got tough. I found someone who wouldn’t go behind my back but speak to my directly. I can never look at you the same ever again. You are six months older than me, and I still act older than my age. How strange is that? Aren’t the ones older than you, be responsible and act their age? When it’s the opposite, they are immature and never grew up. I was never mad at the fact you were grieving, I understand that. I lost six people in the last six years. Once you lose the ones close to you, you will never be the same, but how you treated me and the situation. It’s like I never even mattered. I was piece of paper that was crumbled up and thrown away. That’s the feeling I could never forget.

I have Fibromyalgia, with CPS (Central Pain Syndrome, with Abdominal Endometriosis). I will never have a cure, while struggling to eat because I am allergic to Gluten. Everything we eat has gluten. I am thin and my weight does fluctuate. I have pain that goes beyond a scale. Theses stories I share isn’t for sympathy but to help others. I am not playing the violin here. Life does get hard, but you find ways to deal with it. The ones who whispered about my size, until you deal with multiple conditions then just keep your mouth shut. Many who say a gluten allergy is made up, you don’t know what you are talking about either. Having five surgeries in the last five years, I am in better place now, then where I was before. I still exercise, do what I need to do to stay healthy. While I have disc that is bulged in my lower back, and spinal cord doesn’t have spinal fluid. I still keep moving and accomplishing my goals that I planned three years ago. I like to plan in advance, because you never know what could happen. Having Covid and coming close to dying three times, you start to see your life completely different. You take every moment in and you cherish it. I am thankful still to be alive and share what I learned along the way. Many ask me why I am not afraid, I am but I put all my worries in God’s hands. I trust the Lord. Him and I going way back and have history. I always give the Lord credit, I don’t take it because it was all him.

Loosing friends or loosing the ones close to you is a type of grief that lingers as well. Holidays you use to love and enjoy, are painful and you wish there was a skip button. No matter high the mountain is that you climb, many will still leave you. No matter how successful you are or how good you are to many, they will still leave you. With a broken heart, you thought you were the problem. It was you along, but it wasn’t many left because it was their time or God took them out of your life for a reason. You don’t need to keep expressing yourself or giving many reasons. The door is shut for a reason, because once they leave. They can’t be welcomed into your future. I am not perfect, and I never want to be. The only one perfect is God. Many will still try to find a fault in me and still try tear me part. They aren’t tearing me apart. They are taking their insecurities and throwing them onto everyone else, instead of taking care themselves. If you don’t let yourself heal and work on yourself as well, how can you be around anyone else? Finding forgiveness, is willing to admit that you did wrong. That you never meant to hurt the other person. To admit that you made a mistake or wish you had more time with one that just passed away. The broken heart will heal, but it will also never the same. Once you reach a certain level in life, many will never understand the looniness is like. There is no one on the same level, because everyone is below you. You are in a different league and you will walk alone. It’s not out of disrespect or arrogance, it’s just how life is. You will have many look up to you, you will be a role model, but at the same time it’s a feeling that many will never understand. You are thankful that you made it, and you will continue to do great things. You will never change, but you won’t be the same either.

actual scale. Two individuals who work in the medical field once upon a time, should know what HIPPA means. Confidential is plain as day, but you didn’t care until it cost you your job and reputation. The modern idiot is a metaphor of a world that doesn’t have common sense or thinks things through before its done. A company that stood up and actually did something, is the one I would always chose. Many things I didn’t say then, I can say now. None of you are laughing now, when you only embarrassed yourself. Many nights trying to figuring out the situation, it was for me to understand. You can keep showing up like nothing ever happened, but you won’t expect me to even care that you exist or to speak to you. I blocked you and gave you a cold shoulder for a reason, you can’t take back what is done. You can’t have it both ways, it’s one way or the other. You are only acting this way because your cover got blown and there is no mask to hide behind. For months I kept quiet, while you kept running your mouth. I am not the idiot here. The ones who are loudest or talk a lot are the ones who expose themselves. I have nothing to hide or gain. I would rather tell the truth and be honest, than be someone where everything is fake. I will be real and blunt, and many hate that, because my light also shines as well, but I am not going to beat around a bush. If you disrespect and don’t like the same treatment in return, maybe you should consider how you treat others is how you want to be treated. Just word of thought…

Writing my heart out, like the strings on a violin. Things I would never say, are now being said. The year of pain, the year of faking it and no one knew half of what I went through. The metaphor of the type writer is anger, the pain and how everything I hid so well, was starting to show. Situations I didn’t start, but were set up to show individuals true intentions still burned in the end. You wonder who was going to screw up next. Being blamed for things that you didn’t screw up, the one everyone used as a blaming mat. I have so many targets, just because I did everything on my own and I minded my own business. I wasn’t in anyones business, still had targets on her back. The quiet one will always worked hard. The jealousy was clear as day. The drama, talking behind peoples backs only made the individuals more exposed to their punishment. A organization that fell apart after I left. It goes to show who was the asset of the company and held everything together like glue. The good ones will always leave, to find somewhere else where they are treated with respect and their confidential information gets taken seriously. So many HIPPA laws were violated, while the individual involved was humiliated. Nothing can replace the mess that was created, the only thing is the story that was written in the background, getting ready to share to the world.

Entering a new chapter or beginning, noticed my new aesthetic was the point of moving on from my past. There were many things I still carried and that still bothered me. Half of the things I went through I didn’t deserve. The number thirteen will forever haunt me, because two weeks before I turned thirteen. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by someone I wasn’t related to. Many will never share their story because they are afraid and that the one who hurt them, can hurt them further. No one will really understand what it’s like always looking over your shoulder, wondering if you are safe or not. Many will think that the story isn’t true or you not telling all the truth, how would you know since you weren’t there? The wounds eventually turn into scars, while the pain lingered on. Habits learned, eventually would be unlearned. Even having a lifetime restraining order still doesn’t ease the pain or feel like I am safe, but I still have to live my life. Being blamed for something that I didn’t do, being told I was lair and I couldn’t be trusted. Eventually broke a relationship beyond repair. For many that relationship would never be amend. They say they change, they don’t it only gets worse. Not just the one abusing you, but the ones around you who turn their back on you. The abuser is the victim, while the victim is being treated like a criminal. I don’t put up with people’s shit. For years I lived in survival mode, once leaving survival mode the consequence I got was Fibromyalgia. A consequence I didn’t deserve. My body no longer knows how to interpret pain. This is where the pain comes in. Fibromyalgia comes from abuse. There was no way I come out of this dark moment, without God. For years I blamed myself, when It wasn’t my fault to being with. Finally sharing my story, is to give strength to ones who want to share their story but are afraid or will never be able to share their story. Having your life be threaten by someone who thinks they have power over you, is different type of being scared. Never once did I blame my parents, because it wasn’t their fault. Learning to hide the pain and pretend like everything was okay, is what many do when they are in survival mode. Eventually each year would get better, but I would still have nightmares and flashbacks that would wake me up at night, but I knew I was safe in God’s hands.

Positive and negative input and how it is said can go a long way, while just being plain hateful shows your true intentions and who you are as a person. Someone with a hateful heart, who will never change their ways. Who always play the victim and blame others for their mistakes. Holding a grudge, while the other person moved on, just shows you never grew up. To plan someones own life out, and to kick them out because they wanted to go their own way. It goes to show everyone that who they are behind the mask, is another version of them. There are so many versions of this person it’s hard to keep up. Words that were said to me, hurt in the moment, and stayed with me forever. Many who said I won’t make it, who tried to stop me or fail me. It just shows that you didn’t want me to succeed in life and that you saw something in me. I proved you wrong, but never once did I have an ego or was arrogant about it. Your arrogance and ego is what caused you to lose your job, retire early and it destroyed your reputation as well as integrity. Once a major mistake will be on your record and will follow you forever. You can blame me, but it was your own doing. Splitting up the family, taking credit for things that you didn’t do but you took it because of my name or that I had a 4.0 gpa. It just shows many will use you to get from point a to point b. They will fake their way, until they get exposed. Everything that was done to me, it stuck with me, but I used it as fuel to succeed. Every intention I had was good, what was meant to destroy me. It made me strong. What goes around does come back around and you need to get ready for it. Both positive and negative input can help you grow, but when it’s used to destroy you. It didn’t create your downfall, it created their downfall. What is done in the dark will come to the light. Once was said to me, was used as my strength and taught me that I was never problem. They were jealous because they didn’t want to work hard to become successful. They wanted everything given to them. That’s not how the world works. Either you work hard for what you want, or stay in past and hold a grudge that is only hurting you.