Though I’m now happily married and identify somewhere on the saccharine spectrum between "hopeless romantic" and "straight-up sap," I didn’t always look forward to February 14. Instead, the lovey-dovey celebration felt like a bitter reminder of what was missing from my life. I’m hardly alone in that assessment—at one point or another, most of us have indulged in a little justifiable cynicism about Valentine’s Day. But the holiday isn’t just about romance: There are so many ways to love and be loved, to be intimately known and seen. These forms of tenderness run the gamut from familial to platonic, but among the most unsung are those we share with the sweethearts we’ve met only through our headphones. From my middle-school ardor for Edward Cullen on—by the way, this feels like a good time to mention this is a judgment-free zone—I've found it's impossible to go wrong when the object of affection is thoroughly unattainable, especially by virtue of being fictitious.
And I'm in good company there, too. I asked my fellow Audible Editors to dig deep and share their own audio crushes. Like true love, their answers are unexpected, deeply felt, and sweeter than a heart-shaped box full of treacly treats. From historical heartthrobs to literary paramours to performers with voices like pure honey, these listens are the perfect antidote to those Valentine's Day blues.
Audible Editor Alanna M. is crushing on Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien.
It is in no way surprising to anyone who has ever met me that the object of my unwavering childhood affection was Legolas as portrayed by Orlando Bloom in Peter Jackson’s film adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. Whether this infatuation originated in his ethereal beauty and enviable white-blonde hair or his remarkable gift for archery remains unclear, but, nonetheless, I was smitten. As I grew older, that crush didn’t so much fade as it did change shape, morphing into butterflies for another member of the Fellowship: Aragorn, a hero as rugged as he is noble, brave yet emotionally attuned, humble yet confident. But now, in my wizened late twenties, I feel so foolish that it took me this long to recognize the true heartthrob of Tolkien’s world: Samwise Gamgee. I could go on and on—and I have, at great length—about how boundlessly charming this everyman gardener of the Shire is. Sam is pretty much everything you could ever want in a partner. He’s supportive, soft, and steadfast, his inherent, quiet brand of courage blooming further as a result of his devotion to Frodo. His affinity for poetry, story, and song and wonder for the worlds beyond his home betray the heart of a true romantic. And his genuine compassion for Bill the Pony?! Swoon. What a guy.
Audible Editor Madeline A. is crushing on Nan King from Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters.
Oh, Nan King. Where do I begin? For starters, I’m smiling to myself as I giddily write about her, so I guess it's safe to say that Tipping the Velvet’s passionate protagonist is absolutely and without question the biggest fictional crush I have ever had. Set in Victorian-era London, Sarah Waters’s iconic debut follows Nan’s journey from oyster-shucking goody-two-shoes to sexy, self-assured woman—and I couldn’t help but fall for her along the way. There’s so much to love—from her courage to her talent to her humble ambition—but if I had to pinpoint exactly what it is that captivates me about Nan, I would have to say it comes down to her attitude, or as the kids these days are calling it, her "rizz." That’s right, I said it: Nan King has swag, and she knows it. In fact, by trading her oyster barrels for the grand theatrical stages of London and finding her true queer self in the process, she becomes brazenly sensual, flirtatious, and unapologetic in her glorious freedom. And what’s more attractive than that?
Audible Editor Yvonne D. is crushing on narrator Adam Lazarre-White.
Dear Adam, I just want you to know that you can tell me a story anytime, true or not. Hell, it can be a nursery rhyme. I am convinced that only you can turn "Mary Had a Little Lamb" into something deliciously alluring. You would make my heart go boom, boom, boom instead of pitter-patter. When you narrate S.A. Cosby’s books, I love the way you slip in and out of different characters like a second skin, your voice embracing every word and syllable. No matter the character you’re narrating, you give them each something different in pitch, tone, and compassion. I loved the conversations in All the Sinners Bleed between Titus and his father. Such empathy and tenderness. You gave Darlene, the woman who loved Titus, strength even when she was vulnerable. This tells me that you understand women. There is nothing more disappointing than listening to a narrator who doesn’t understand the complexity of women. Where did you learn that? Surely not from a voice coach. Even though you are also an actor, there’s something else going on. Something that comes from the depth of your soul. Your talent and voice are natural-born treasures. Happy Valentine’s Day, Adam!
Audible Editor Rachael X. is crushing on historical icon Eve Adams.
At the top of my list of “severely underappreciated icons who would have filled front-row seats in history class” is the absolute friggin’ badass that is Eve Adams: a rebellious, Jewish Polish-American immigrant and political activist who established and ran a series of lesbian-and-gay friendly speakeasies in New York and Chicago in the 1920s, risked her life to publish and distribute a Sapphic literary work aptly titled Lesbian Love, and represented herself in court against the US Bureau of Investigation following a sting operation in a dance hall. Eve’s roller-coaster life has a tragic ending (listen to find out)—the least I can do is honor her here by sharing my (painfully on-brand) unrequited love for her.
Audible Editor Kat J. is crushing on television's Columbo, featured in Shooting Columbo by David Koenig.
Anyone who knows me knows I spent the pandemic not baking bread or writing a novel but becoming obsessed to the point of unhinged with the TV show Columbo. What can I say? In a scary world, Columbo was soothing. And also, I started to notice, sexy?? The rumpled detective, inspired by Porfiry Petrovich and immortalized by Peter Falk, was everything I loved: scrupulously polite, deliciously disheveled, and, under all those cigar ashes and misplaced pencils, smart as a whip. His arrogant, masters-of-the-universe suspects all realized too late that he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, if sheep wore battered raincoats and $16 shoes. Shooting Columbo, the most comprehensive look at the show in decades, is a treasure for fans, rife with behind-the-scenes drama, trivia, interviews, and plenty of musings on just what made the character so endearing, so addictive, so can’t-look-away appealing. There’s “just one more thing” I could have desired: Falk’s voice. Well, a girl can dream.
Audible Editor Katie O. is crushing on Katniss Everdeen from Suzanne Collins's The Hunger Games trilogy.
Peeta and Gale who? I will forever be on Team Katniss, the no BS, fierce AF heroine of The Hunger Games trilogy. Though it’s also accurate to say that I’m team Tatiana, as in Tatiana Maslany. The youthful yet somber quality to her voice makes her a natural Katniss, breathing new life into Panem. I have to admit there is something very different about listening to this series as a 30-something mom versus when I first encountered it as a teenager myself (i.e., there are more tears now). What hasn’t changed, however, is my enduring love for Suzanne Collins’s modern classic and the stoic and cunning heroine at the heart of it.
Audible Editor Phoebe N. is crushing on the mysterious Mr. Smith from Golden Hill by Francis Spufford.
Did you ever feel like a story was written just for you? There is not a thing I would change about Francis Spufford's Golden Hill, an atmospheric and beguiling novel set in 1740s Manhattan, when the city was but a far-flung colony at the edge of the world. The protagonist, Mr. Smith, is funny and flawed and human and brave, and I couldn't take my eyes off him, so to speak. Nor could any of the characters populating Spufford's cold, hard, wintry New York, where the handsome young Mr. Smith steps off the boat from London with £1,000, an enormous sum, and won't tell anyone his purpose, thus driving the plot for the whole of the story. No one trusts him; everyone is intrigued by him. And Spufford paces the revelations masterfully. This story never stopped surprising me, and my affection for Smith grew in tandem with every crackling step of his journey in the New World, through all the sins and saviors he encounters there, right up to the last heart-exploding moment.
Audible Editor Phoebe N. is also crushing on Ulysses Temper and friends from Still Life by Sarah Winman.
I have more than one Valentine this year, don’t judge me. I can be a bit mystical about my audiobook selections, and feel like certain stories come to me at exactly the moment I need to hear them. Sarah Winman’s Still Life was just such a story. It fell into my lap when I was feeling low about the state of the world, certain that civilization was driving itself off a cliff. The novel begins in a time and place when people certainly were feeling the same way: Italy during World War II. It goes on to unfold over the course of decades, following a motley group of Londoners making a life together in post-war Florence. At the center of the story is the tender-hearted army veteran Ulysses Temper, bolstered by his most dependable companion, Cress, a man blessed with preternatural intuitiveness, while the elegant art historian Evelyn Skinner, whose wisdom frames the entire novel, looms in and around its events for half a century. Together, they reminded me of all that is good in life—art, beauty, friendship, love—and that all those things can be found everywhere, not least of which because we can create beauty everyday in how we care for each other. I fell in love with not one character but a whole group of them (and with the city of Florence). And, most important, I fell in love with life again.
Audible Editor Tricia F. is crushing on narrator Richard Armitage.
My relationship to Wanderlust, and to Richard Armitage’s portrayal of Griffin, specifically, is a kind of arranged marriage that totally worked out. Back in 2018, I was given an assignment to listen to a romance novel as part of a team challenge. A co-editor hand-picked Wanderlust for me, a non-romance listener, in an attempt to convert me. And it worked! First off, the premise and setting are delightful: a career-driven American in Paris falling for her charming translator. Sweet. And I was a Richard Armitage fan before Wanderlust, I mean, who isn’t? He’s got a whole army of fans—shout-out to the #ArmitageArmy. But after getting to know him as Griffin, it’s more than fandom. We’re basically married now—it’s a special connection to a voice and a character that develops over the course of listening. It just happens. His sexy accent stole my heart and Wanderlust will forever be the first-and-foremost romance on my “you’ve gotta hear this!” list. Thank you, dear Griffin (Richard)—and happy Valentine’s Day!
Audible Editor Haley H. is crushing on Stephanie Johnson, better known as Tanqueray.
On February 14, I prefer to shelve any feelings of attraction I have for others, reserving the holiday instead for celebrating a certain special someone. My great-grandmother loved Valentine’s Day so much that she claimed it as her birthday, and it was not until her passing (at 101!) that anyone in my family realized she was actually born on the 15th. An amazing and enigmatic woman, she kept surprising us with new details that emerged around her life story. She was a burlesque dancer who retired from the craft in practice but never in spirit, a spitfire who stayed sex-positive all through her nineties, and above all, the biological mother whom my grandmother managed to finally reconnect with when she herself was in her sixties. Great-Grandma Marie always gave it the ole razzle-dazzle, wearing boas and sequins and delivering risqué jokes. So, whenever her “birthday” rolls around, I take a moment to admire the fascinating histories behind the lives of burlesque dancers, and no one delivers a show-stopping performance quite like Stephanie Johnson. Better known as “Tanqueray,” Johnson stepped back into the spotlight in 2019 with her glamorous yet gritty interview for Brandon Stanton’s fascinating photo project and bestselling book, Humans of New York. In 2022, the two teased out even more feisty, unforgettable details of her life in a memoir, producing a milestone storytelling event. If Valentine’s Day has taught me anything, it is that lovers come and go, but this listen never disappoints.
Audible Editor Emily C. has been crushing on Adrian Mole since her schoolyard days.
I’ve adored this kid since I was 13 and reading Sue Townsend’s side-splitting series for the first time. A classic Enneagram 4, Adrian knows he’s special, uniquely intelligent, and destined for greatness if only everyone else could see it ... and if his dog stopped being terrible, and his family would quit embarrassing him, and if he could just get a pair of Doc Martins already. Needless to say, Adrian’s never let a grievance pass him by without airing it. While this may sound like the audiobook equivalent of complaint rock, there’s something uniquely refreshing in Adrian’s hilarious brand of cynical grumbling—especially in our current forced-positivity-soaked era; Adrian invites you in for a cup of tea and a good ol’ gripe, one that will leave you laughing at—instead of sweating—the small stuff.
