Showing results by narrator "Gene Clements" in All Categories

Thanksgiving is coming! This means an amusing but tumultuous day with large and small children on hand to create playful chaos, loud noises, and the need to deal with spilled liquids. Tilly and Elmer love this of course, but they especially enjoy spending the day before Thanksgiving alone together cooking, verifying the quality of the contents of their liquor cabinet, and giving thanks for their continued fondness for one another’s amatory adeptness.

The complete series of humorous and sexy adventures involving Tilly and Elmer, a Midwestern couple in their early 70s. They’ve been married for close to 50 years, they still like each other, and they know what to do about it! The short stories in this series are about celebration! Tilly and Elmer love to celebrate holidays, from Valentine’s Day to National Bourbon Day. They’re always in the mood to celebrate, and the somehow the celebration always involves their continuing attempts to behave like 18-year-olds.

Tilly and Elmer love to celebrate New Year’s Eve! They have several unmentionable traditions for this occasion, but the making of New Year’s resolutions with each other, in the company of a supply of strong drink, is one of their favorites. After realizing, many years ago, that their typical declarations had little likelihood of being adhered to, they turned the event into a game of who could make the most laughable and outrageous proposals.

Fifty-eight years to the day after their first kiss on the night of the 1961 Halloween dance at South Branch High, Tilly and Elmer now find themselves chaperoning this year’s edition of the big party. They’ve gotten pretty good at kissing since their first time, but on this particular evening, their attempt to reprise the kiss, not to mention several other delightful activities they’ve gotten good at since then, is interrupted by a frightening phenomenon!

Tilly and Elmer have been married for 50 years! To mark the occasion, they have planned a grand celebration together; a romantic Caribbean cruise, where they can be alone together in a secret seagoing hideaway. They are all set for a glorious week of replaying the playful proceedings of their original honeymoon, in perhaps a slower but equally delightful tempo, when they find that their children and grandchildren plan to come along and celebrate with them! The cruise is loads of fun but finding their allotment of private time together is a challenge.

The traditional South Branch High Labor Day picnic is atwitter with the news that their old classmate, Martha Darling, has come back from New York and is now the author of a best seller! Tilly and Martha rekindle their old friendship and are delighted with the reunion until Tilly, upon reading Martha’s book, begins to suspect that the steamy, best-selling love story is based on an old crush Martha had on Elmer! Elmer is sure of it - and doesn’t see a problem, but Tilly knows this could turn into a stormy situation!

Every summer, Tilly and Elmer attend the county fair, and their favorite fair activity is enjoying a ride on the Ferris Wheel, where they reprise the immodest impropriety they couldn’t resist engaging in on this conveyance when they were young lovers.

Elmer is thrilled to be named to head the annual Fourth of July Parade committee by the mayor of South Branch! This doesn’t seem like a difficult position, until Elmer realizes that he will be in charge of selecting the young lady who will grace the Betsy Ross float, the centerpiece of the parade. The competition is fierce, and the young candidates and their overambitious mothers will stop at nothing to influence Elmer’s selection!  

Tilly and Elmer have been married nearly 50 years, and by now their holiday celebrations typically conform to long-standing traditions. This is especially true for major holidays such as June 14, “National Bourbon Day”! They have learned by trial and error that the festivities should begin with the “Celebration”, and that they should save the consuming of whisky until afterward. The rainy weather threatens at first to dampen their preferred plans, but after 50 years together, they’ve learned to adapt their affection to the situation. “Bottoms up!”

 What would a Tilly and Elmer Christmas be without a minor mix-up in communication? Tilly only has one item on her wish list, but letting Elmer know what it is without just telling him is, as usual, a difficult challenge. Hints only go so far, although Tilly doesn’t think even Elmer can miss this one. And Elmer is certain he is on the same page as Tilly. Of course, that’s what he thinks every year.

Valentine’s Day is coming, and Tilly is determined not to let it pass without a celebration this year! She’s ready to let her hair down and enjoy a wild, romantic night with Elmer, even at the risk of a scandal...As it turns out, a convergence of high libido and low sobriety leads to an incident - as it often does! Nevertheless, Tilly and Elmer do succeed in getting out of St. Louis without spending time in jail, and, they come home with a Valentine’s Day story they won’t be telling their grandchildren any time soon.

Elmer and his coffee drinking buddies at Pearl’s Downtown Diner realize it’s May 1, the traditional date when, as young men, they started thinking that it should now be warm enough for a bit of lollygagging in the woods with their girlfriends. Of course it was rarely warm enough, and their girlfriends usually had other ideas...In this case, it actually was warm enough to enjoy some private time together in the woods and Tilly and Elmer set out to do what comes naturally to many species in the springtime.

Elmer and Tilly have a tradition of trying to outdo each other with outrageous pranks on April Fools’ day, and this year the unannounced contest is on again. Elmer strikes first, to modest effect, but when Tilly doesn’t respond in kind he begins to hope she has given up the game this year. And he forgets the game entirely when she announces that she is about to become the new sex advice columnist for the local newspaper, The South Branch Sentinel.