Most women know the feeling. You say yes. Your body shows up. But some part of you is somewhere else entirely — running through tomorrow's to-do list, waiting for it to be over, checking a box so you will not be expected to again for a week.

It is called duty sex. And it is one of the most common and least talked-about dynamics in long-term relationships.

In this episode for Sexual Health Awareness Month, Gabriella sits down with Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, for one of the most honest and practically rich conversations this show has ever had about desire, self-abandonment, and what it actually takes to move from going through the motions to having sex worth wanting.

This is not a conversation about broken relationships or broken women. Nobody is broken here. But the system — the way we were taught to think about desire, consent, and our own pleasure — needs a serious upgrade. And this episode is a very good place to start.

Are you ready to awaken your sensuality and feel more empowered in your body? Access the FREE Pleasure Upgrade Bundle at https://www.pleasureinthepause.com/gift.

Dr. Holly Richmond is a somatic psychotherapist, certified sex therapist and sex therapy supervisor, and Associate Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. An internationally recognized therapist, high-profile couples coach, speaker, retreat facilitator, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life, she takes a sex-positive approach to helping clients build healthy relationships and improve their sex lives in ways that are authentic, embodied and long-lasting. With a significant media following, her work has been featured in The New York Times, CNN, Oprah, Forbes, Netflix, NBC, and Cosmopolitan, among others.

Highlights from our discussion include:

• What duty sex actually is and the difference between self-abandonment and a generous act of connection
• What happens in a woman's body when she repeatedly says yes while part of her means no — numbness, resentment, and pain as the body's way of speaking
• Spontaneous versus responsive desire and why understanding the difference changes everything for midlife women
• What a sexual template is, why most women have never developed one, and how to start
• The three-part framework from Reclaiming Pleasure — control, pleasure, and connection — and how to use it to assess whether sex is happening in a sex-positive way
• The four things the healthiest couples do: active appreciations, giving the benefit of the doubt, affectionate touch without expectation, and talking about sex
• Why nobody is broken — the lower desire partner, the higher desire partner, or the relationship — and what actually needs to change

Dr. Holly Richmond says it plainly at the end of this conversation: nobody is broken here. Not the lower desire partner. Not the higher desire partner. The system is broken. And most of it can be repaired with more communication, more transparency, and more willingness to actually talk about sex — which almost none of us were taught to do.

If you're seeking to reclaim your pleasure and vitality, join Gabriella at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.pleasureinthepause.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for this enlightening journey into the heart of female pleasure and empowerment.

CONNECT WITH DR. HOLLY:

Website

Instagram

RESOURCES:

Book: Reclaiming Pleasure by Dr. Holly Richmond

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

Episode 116 — How to Take the Vacation Version of You Home

Full episodes on YouTube.

The information shared on Pleasure in the Pause is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions about your health or treatment. The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the host or Pleasure in the Pause.

Gabriella is back from two weeks in Portugal and sitting at her desk, shoulders already creeping up toward her ears, pelvic floor clenching, inbox blinking. September is here. The calendar is filling. And the vacation version of herself is being tested in real time.

But instead of pushing through the tension the way she always has, she pauses. Takes a breath. Softens. And asks herself a question she wants to explore with every woman listening: do I actually need all this tension in order to do the things I am here to do?

In this solo episode, Gabriella draws on the go and flow framework from Michaela Boehm's The Wild Woman's Way to explore one of the most overlooked questions in women's productivity and wellbeing — not how do I get out of go mode, but how am I inhabiting it? She walks listeners through a guided body scan, three nervous system practices for different states, and a simple invitation to bring more ease, sensation, and pleasure into the middle of a full and purposeful life.

This is not about slowing down. It is about moving forward without the clench.

Are you ready to awaken your sensuality and feel more empowered in your body? Access the FREE Pleasure Upgrade Bundle at https://www.pleasureinthepause.com/gift.

Highlights from our discussion include:

• The go and flow framework from Michaela Boehm's The Wild Woman's Way and why the goal is not less go but more ease within it
• Why a regulated nervous system is not the same as a calm one — we need activation, we just do not need all the extra tension we pile on top of it
• A guided body scan to notice where you are holding more tension than the moment actually requires
• Three nervous system practices: conscious softening and breathing, a shaking practice to move built-up tension through the body, and floor rest when the body needs stillness
• What to do when the body needs energy rather than rest — and why movement often creates the motivation we have been waiting for
• Why pleasure does not have to be the reward for finishing your life — it can be part of how you live it

We do not have to choose between being productive and being present. We can bring energy, focus, ambition, and purpose to the work that matters to us while also bringing a little more ease into the way we do it. Intention without the tension. Focus without the clench. A little more flow in the way we go.

This week, every once in a while while you are in go mode, pause and ask yourself: what does my body need from me right now? Do I need to soften or do I need to mobilize? And if you notice tension, before you decide you need to stop everything and add another self-care practice to your list, just notice your body. Maybe you do not need to stop. Maybe you just need to release the clench.

If this episode resonated, subscribe to Pleasure in the Pause and share it with a woman in your life who is already bracing for September. Gabriella will be back next week kicking off Sexual Health Awareness Month with a very special guest.

If you're seeking to reclaim your pleasure and vitality, join Gabriella at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.pleasureinthepause.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for this enlightening journey into the heart of female pleasure and empowerment.

Resources mentioned:

The Wild Woman's Way by Michaela Boehm

Episode 107: From Survival Mode to Self-Connection

CONNECT WITH GABRIELLA ESPINOSA:

Instagram

LinkedIn

Work with Gabriella!

Full episodes on YouTube.

The information shared on Pleasure in the Pause is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions about your health or treatment. The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the host or Pleasure in the Pause.