When it comes to consent violations in BDSM, D/S, and kink, it can almost feel reflexive for those with experience to point their fingers at those who are new or less experienced. Not only that, but this ‘blame game’ often papers over the lifestyle’s much deeper and dangerous problem; hint, it is not just BDSM gone wrong like spanking too hard.

However, Negative Nellie did not take over the podcast because the lifestyle does some amazing things right with consent, too. Discover what you must know about one of BDSM’s biggest challenges as well as what it is getting right, all backed by theresearch. Oh, and that research, it is all listed here if you want to take a deep dive.

Content warning: Heavy topic, SA, discussed.

Sources:

Bowling, J., Wright, S., Stambaugh, R.J., Gioia, D., &Cramer, R. (2020). Consent Survey 2020 Report. National Coalition for SexualFreedom.

https://ncsfreedom.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Consent-Survey-2020-report.pdf

Fanghanel, A. (2020). Consent violations and community normsin BDSM spaces. Sexualities.

https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719828933

Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research andTreatment, 32(6), 657–678.

https://doi.org/10.1177/1079063219842847

Harris, E. A., Morgenroth, T., Crone, D. L., Morgenroth, L.,Gee, I., & Pan, H. (2023). Sexual consent norms in a sexually diverse sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53, 577–592. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02741-0

Tarleton, H. L., Mackenzie, T., & Sagarin, B. J. (2024).Consent norms in the BDSM community: Strong but not inflexible. Archives of Sexual Behavior.

https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-024-03038-6

Klement, K. R., Sagarin, B. J., & Lee, E. M. (2017).Participating in a culture of consent may be associated with lower rape-supportive beliefs. Journal of Sex Research, 54(1), 130–134. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1168353

Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013).Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943–1952.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23679066/

Oh, you’re curious about or into BDSM?

• You have a mental disorder
• You must be unhappy
• You had a traumatic childhood

You’re dominant? All that means is you cannot take no for an answer. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re actually submissive? Well, that is just kink slang for someone who cannot make decisions.

There are so many myths and misconceptions when it comes to mental health and BDSM, D/S, and kink. These often hurtful fallacies do more than just sting in the moment; they can causesomeone to not embrace a core part of who they are. Plus, they are so common that it is easy to come to believe there must be truths attached to them.

This episode dissects the myths using peer-reviewed research, and I promise it is not a boring psych lecture.

Find out what the research actually tells us!

Please note: While this covers some of the common misconceptions about mental health and BDSM, this is by no means a complete list. The research reflects patterns across populations, not a universal experience. Individual journeys vary, and that is worth acknowledging.

Sources:

Wismeijer, A.A. and Van Assen, M.A. "PsychologicalCharacteristics of BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) 10:1943

Lecuona, O., Martínez-Barajas, O., Gimeno-Martín, A., et al."Not Twisted, Just Kinky: Replication and Structural Invariance of Attachment, Personality, and Well-Being Among BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2025) 72(6):1079-1108

Sagarin, B.J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., et al. "HormonalChanges and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity." Archives of Sexual Behavior (2009) 38:186-200

Brown, A., Barker, E.D., Rahman, Q. "A SystematicScoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM." Journal of Sex Research (2020) 57(6):781-811

Holvoet, L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals,K., and Morrens, M. "Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017) 14:1152-1159

Pliskin, A.E. "Social and Emotional Intelligence (SEI)in BDSM." Journal of Positive Sexuality (2018) 4(2):48-55

Jansen, K.L., Fried, A.L., and Chamberlain, J. "An Examination of Empathy and Interpersonal Dominance in BDSM Practitioners."Journal of Sexual Medicine (2021) 18(3):549-555

In BDSM, D/S, and kink, collars are typically thought of as a symbol of commitment between a dominant and submissive, but there is another type of collar that is a symbol of dedicationand is growing in popularity.

• Would you be surprised to learn this collar does not need a dominant?
• How can a submissive be collared without a dominant?
• Why would a submissive want this?

Find out these answers and more in this episode. Listen now and discover how self-collaring can be an act of radical growth and empowerment.

Just how far back do you think the roots of BDSM, D/S, andkink go? Were the Romans into D/S? What about Victorian times? Could Heathcliff and Catherine been ‘kinky’? Have you ever wondered how modern kink communities got started or how did people into BDSM connect before DMs, texting, and the internet?

Unless you know Doc Brown or have a DeLorean with afunctioning flux capacitor, this episode will answer all those questions plus explain how military surplus motorcycles and leather jackets laid the foundations for modern kink communities.

People often say that a journey into exploring BDSM and kink will be life-changing, but what does that really mean? Often, generic posts and lovely but vague-sounding ideas are tossed about to describe it. So this episode is different; it is personal. I openly share how D/S has challenged and changed me, plus those times where it forced me to grow, even when I might not have wanted to. No matter if you are a dominant, submissive, or switch, grab your headphones, get comfortable, and settle in for this personal trip into self-growth while discovering how you, too, can evolve as you explore the lifestyle.

Exploring BDSM, D/S, and kink can really open our minds up to self-discovery. Have you ever wondered what happens in our brains when we go from thinking about trying something kinky and new? Science has the answers, and they just might surprise you.

In the second half of the show, the chatting turns to rituals in BDSM or D/S. While rituals are typically thought of as things submissivesdo, but what if I told you some rituals include dominants, too? Not only that, but what if there was a specific time of day for them that would help your partnership thrive?

Do not miss these answers and more in this episode.

Do you know what the number one sexual fantasy is forAmericans?

With 2026 just arrived many are making resolutions that include BDSM, D/S and kink fantasies. This episode explores America’s most popular fantasy with practical advice on how to take it from dreamy desire to lived reality.

So get comfortable, put in your earbuds, discover this kinktastic fantasy and learn what you need to know should you want to bring this often unspoken fantasy to life.

BDSM and kink lifestyle educators often talk about the importance of education. It is not surprising that educators discuss education, but what happens when fiction replaces facts, fantasy supplants safety, and consent takes a backseat to raw, primal desire?

Could it result in a D/S scene filled with orgasmic delights? It could, but this is BDSM, where activities come with risk from small to life-altering or even ending. The more play that happens between those without proper training, the risks skyrocket, and informed consent becomes impossible, as there is no knowledge base to provide informed consent.

Studies show there is an alarming trend in the world of BDSM and kink where pornography is moving from entertainment andinspiration into the role of educator. The spicy content has not changed, but how it is viewed by those consuming it has. Find out what research shows about the trend of porn as a BDSM and kink educator.

Sources:

Prevalence of Sexual Strangulation/Choking Among Australians Authors: Leah S. Sharman, Robin Fitzgerald, and Heather Douglas

Holes in Kinky Education: The Role of Pornography in Learning about BDSM Sexualities Authors: Iris Ryn Olson and Bryce Westlake

BDSM Safety in Pornography: Its Perceived Accuracy and Impact on Practitioners' Safe Word Practices Author: Bryce G. Westlake

Enjoyment, Exploration and Education: Understanding the Consumption of Pornography Authors: Mark McCormack and Liam Wignall

Kink Community Education: Experiential Learning and Communities of Practice Authors: Richard A. Sprott, Carolyn Meeker, and M. O'Brien