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Real Vampires Don't Sparkle

Narrated by: James Patrick Cronin
Series: Real Vampires Don't Sparkle, Book 1
Length: 17 hrs and 58 mins
4 out of 5 stars (217 ratings)
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Publisher's Summary

Matheus Taylor didn't ask to be murdered. To be fair, the percentage of people actually asking to be murdered is probably small enough to be safely ignored, but he felt it was worth stating regardless. His life might have been ordinary, but it was his life and he wasn't done with it yet.

Quin didn't care.

A 1,700-year-old Roman, Quintus Livius Saturnius had a different view of morality than most people. Killing Matheus and hijacking his undead existence seemed perfectly acceptable to him.

Now, Matheus spends his nights running for his life, questioning his sexual orientation, and defying a mysterious new threat to the vampires within his city. Not that he set out to do any defying; he just wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately, that was never going to happen.

Volume One of Real Vampires Don't Sparkle

Fans of Real Vampires Don't Sparkle should be sure to check out more titles from Curiosity Quills Press: Sweet Dreams Are Made of Teeth, by Richard Roberts: a fantasy coming-of-age story set in the world of our dreams, where a nightmare learns who he is - and who he loves.

The Devil You Know, by K. H.Koehler: an urban fantasy pulp/mystery series about demons, rogue angels, and a small group of people living in rural northeast Pennsylvania who are caught in the middle of an angelic war.

©2013 Amy Fecteau (P)2013 Audible Inc.

What members say

Average Customer Ratings

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

Surprisingly good!

Wasn't sure what to expect from this book as I don't often gravitate to the vampire genre., but i like sarcastic back and forth dialog so I decided to try it.
I'm glad I used the credit because I loved it so much I immediately got the 2nd audiobook.
The narrator was out of this world and made this book even better!

7 of 7 people found this review helpful

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Delightful!

Any additional comments?

I didn't read the book yet, I listened to 90% of audio book and I have to say it was actually a fairly good audiobook! I didn't finish the audiobook yet but I went ahead and bought the kindle version as well.

The narrator is very talented and I absolutely love his style and skill.

I really enjoy the take on vampires in this series and really enjoyed the characters and their relationships (or lack of lol) It is definitely a good read/listen. Highly recommend this!

For those looking for the PWP type story, this is not for you. No spoilers, but there are moments that tickled my inner fujoshi.

I have already bought the 2nd installment of this series in kindle and audio version. I can't wait to read more of what is to come!

I read some of the reviews and saw that there is a 3rd book! I REALLY hope it comes out soon! Because once I finish the 2nd book I will want to know more!

5 of 6 people found this review helpful

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Finaly real vampires!

Any additional comments?

The titel kinda says it all, this is about real vampires that dont sparkle, they burn in the sun and dies at sunrise and sleep all day, they "dont fuck the food" as Quin puts it, its bloody and messy. I love the charachters in this book and the sarcasm is amazingly funny. What makes it better is that Matheus dont have a choise in being turned, Quin wants him and thats that!
One of the thing I really like with the story is that there isnt instant love between Matheus and Quin, it work itself slowly into there relationship and it feels more real and dosnt get in the way of the story.
James Patrick Cronin is perfect for this book, been looking for more m/m from him but so far only found this series. I wasnt sure about him at first, since this was my first go with him, but he pleasantly supprised me and now he got another fan!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • MD
  • 06-20-17

Not sure if it's the narrator or just bad writing

The narrator is most definitely bad. There are a lot of times where the way he performs the dialogue doesn't match with how it's described in the narrative. And the voice he uses for Quinn is borderline homophobic. Quinn's described as having a deep, powerful voice. Commanding. But he also happens to be gay, which I guess the narrator decided was more important than how the author described it. It's nasally and sing songy. Just ad a lisp and it's every stereotypical sassy gay friend.

But I'm not sure if the narrator is the only thing wrong with the book though. The author is one of those people who clearly thinks they're funnier than they are. I might be bad delivery by the narrator, but so many of the "jokes" fell flat. Or the sort who will do something "for teh lulz!" even when it don't fit into the scene. And the main character is just whiny. He's supposed to be whiny and useless, but it's annoying. It would be tolerable if there was any growth from it, but again, it just seems like it's played 'for teh lulz.'

Have decided to return this book. Don't waste your credit.

2 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

One of my favorite vampire stories

Funny, snarky and bloody. A newly turned vampire, a 1700 year old vampire, begin an adventure that includes hunters, a father who's trying to reverse the vampires back to human. A power trip of the elders. Mayhem,intrigue and lots of blood and guts. I've listen to this series twice and will listen again and again.

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Very long but oh so good.

This was such a good book. I usually skip through books when they are this long but I stayed the course. This narrator, James Patrick Cronin is awesome. At first, I felt like Quinn's voice was a little creepy but once I got into it, I loved it. All the different accents were spot on. I loved the story line. And that dry humor is right up my alley. I cannot wait to read the next book.

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A little slow, but worth the read.

I found this to be a funny, and exciting story. But it was really slow in some places. I also thought Matt was way under developed for his age and his backstory.
I loved the snarky-suave personas of Quin. I look forward to these two finally getting together.

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  • Donald
  • Louisville, Georgia, United States
  • 01-25-19

Thoroughly enjoyable...

I really, really enjoyed listening to this story. The writing style of Fecteau is brilliant and the narration by Cronin was phenomenal, adding so much to the story. The main reason I enjoyed this story was the overabundance of snip, snark, and pure old smart-assery. Being one, I thoroughly enjoyed the excellence presented. It's hard to impress me, but color me impressed. I even borrowed a few for my personal repertoire. Quinn and Mateus is such a divine couple...pun intended. Though I figured out the plot rather early in the story, getting there was still intriguing and enjoyable. I have high hopes for the next installment...I'm wondering how long Quinn remains quiet...

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Very Enjoyable

This was a fun read. The inner monologue from the main character is funny and insightful. All the characters stand out and feel alive. I was engaged the whole way through. The only real problem I had was with some of the narration. As there are a lot of characters some of the voices stared to sound the same.Also there are points where characters are not speaking English and I wish I had a hard copy of the book to check annotations. Otherwise, this book is a good time.

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  • Art
  • MINERAL WELLS, TX, United States
  • 01-03-17

good and bad

The romance is great. It's sweet and funny.
but…
The main character is such a spineless weak minded twit that it pretty much ruins the enjoyment of the book for me.

The narration is great.

1 of 2 people found this review helpful

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  • Kapaxiana
  • 01-06-16

I wish I could return it!

Would you ever listen to anything by Amy Fecteau again?

Not sure

Any additional comments?

Sometimes it takes a couple of chapters to get into a book and I usually persist for the sake of having paid for the book but with this book I could not get into the story and have only managed 3 chapters.

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 07-14-15

Brilliant - new author to me

Any additional comments?

I loved the ambivalence and the sarcasm,the to and fro of conversation and the way unexpected relationships develop. The scene I enjoyed the most was 'the kiss', this is not a book full sex - there is one kiss and it is long awaited and pleased me a lot. The scene that moved me the most was the scene with Quin in a prison cell and Matheus in hand and leg cuffs talking through an intercom. This is a very different vampire story - I have read a lot and would now count this amongst my top twenty. I can see lots of leads for further books and I will be buying them. As you can tell I really liked it.