In this episode, I sit down with relationship and anxiety therapist Valerie Rubin for an illuminating conversation about why so many of us with anxious attachment feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. We dig into the early wounds and nervous system imprints that shape our adult attraction patterns, how self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy, and what it really takes to break the cycle of choosing inconsistency over security. Valerie brings both clinical depth and grounded warmth to this discussion, offering practical tools and compassionate insight for anyone ready to rewrite their relational blueprint and move toward partners who can truly show up.

We dive deep on:

• Why We’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability: unpacking how childhood wounds, early attachment patterns, and nervous system wiring make inconsistency feel like chemistry.
• Breaking Attraction Cycles: exploring how familiar emotional chaos can hijack your sense of safety and how to interrupt the urge to chase partners who can’t truly show up.
• The Roots of Anxious Attachment: understanding the pre-verbal imprints that shape self-worth, relational expectations, and what your body reads as “secure.”
• Self-Abandonment and Emotional Needs: identifying the subtle ways anxious attachers silence themselves, shrink their needs, or over-function to maintain connection.
• Rewriting Your Internal Blueprint: learning how self-trust, emotional honesty, and nervous system regulation help you choose stability over unpredictability.
• Co-Regulation as a Path to Healing: exploring how safe people, therapists, and grounded partners can help your system recalibrate and experience true emotional availability.
• Feeling Safe in Your Own Body: using somatic awareness and regulation tools to differentiate between real red flags and the discomfort of healthy intimacy.
• Normalizing Uncertainty in Early Dating: recognizing that doubt, activation, and hypervigilance are common for anxious attachers — and learning how to navigate them skillfully.
• Embracing Secure Connection: replacing old attraction patterns with partners who offer consistency, emotional presence, and genuine availability.

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To connect with Valerie Rubin, follow her @healwithval on Instagram. Be sure to listen to our previous episode on Valerie's Anxiety Recovery podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2tcOwfBj1RqJwQdun0A3ya?si=2bD3tBrvQkK_DWBX4SjdEw%E2%81%A0

And check out her masterclass, How to break your attraction to emotionally unavailable partners:
stan.store/healwithval/p/get-my-templateebookcourse-now-ora8z2gu

Keywords: anxious attachment, emotional unavailability, relationship healing, self-worth, communication skills, nervous system, vulnerability, co-regulation, emotional safety, inner child healing

In honor of the release of her new book Safe, I sit down with licensed therapist and author of Anxiously Attached, Jessica Baum, for a powerful conversation about what it truly means to heal anxious attachment. We explore how safety shapes every aspect of our relationships, how old abandonment wounds resurface in adulthood, and why somatic awareness and co-regulation are at the heart of real transformation. Jessica brings both clinical expertise and deep compassion to this discussion, offering grounded insights and practical tools for anyone ready to move from anxious to secure attachment.

In the episode, we dive deep on:

• What It Really Takes to Heal Anxious Attachment: why understanding your style isn’t enough without cultivating felt safety and nervous system regulation.

• Safety as the Foundation of Secure Relationships: exploring how safety fluctuates moment to moment and how to recognize when you’re in protection vs. connection.

• Healing Abandonment Wounds: unpacking the deep emotional imprints of abandonment and how they influence adult intimacy.

• The Power of Co-Regulation: how safe, attuned relationships act as emotional anchors that retrain your nervous system.

• Somatic Awareness and Emotional Processing: integrating body-based practices to recognize, release, and move through emotional triggers.

• Compassion as a Healing Catalyst: learning to soften self-judgment and extend understanding toward both yourself and others.

• Evolving Toward Secure Attachment: embracing healing as a lifelong, relational journey that thrives on emotional diversification and consistent support.

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To connect with Jessica Baum, follow her @jessicabaumlmhc on Instagram and get the freebies Jessica mentions in the episode at https://jessicabaumlmhc.com/interview

Get your copy of Safe: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building More Secure Relationships at https://amzn.to/4npO7RJ

Keywords: anxious attachment, anxious attachment style, healing, relationships, safety, co-regulation, abandonment wounds, somatics, compassion, emotional support, inner child

If setting boundaries makes you anxious, guilty, or afraid they’ll walk away—you’re exactly who this episode was made for.

In this powerful solo episode, I unpack the complicated relationship anxious attachers have with boundaries—and why setting them can feel so triggering. We explore the real reasons guilt shows up, the role of nervous system dysregulation, and why some boundaries feel more like walls (and what to do about it).

You’ll learn:

• The difference between a boundary and a request—and why it matters
• Why boundaries don’t have to be dramatic or confrontational
• How nervous system regulation plays a role in boundary success
• Common myths that keep anxious attachers stuck in self-abandonment
• Scripts and mindset shifts for setting (and keeping) boundaries without guilt
• Why boundaries with yourself are just as important

Plus, I share some of my favorite quotes about boundary-setting and walk you through how to identify where in your life a boundary might be overdue. Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about connection—starting with the one you have with yourself.

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

Keywords: anxious attachment, boundaries, requests, guilt, nervous system, self-care, emotional well-being, communication, personal growth, relationship advice

In honor of Pride Month, I’m sitting down with therapist and author Tom Bruett to unpack how gay relationships differ from straight ones—and why so many of us in the LGBTQ+ community struggle with intimacy, identity, and emotional safety in dating. Whether you're queer or an ally, this conversation is packed with insights that go far beyond sexuality—because at the end of the day, we’re all trying to love and be loved in healthier, more secure ways.

We dive deep into the complex, often misunderstood dynamics that shape gay relationships, including:

• Internalized homophobia and the self-hatred that can block connection

• The impact of trauma, especially when you’ve had to hide parts of yourself just to feel safe
• The myth of the “relationship escalator” and how queer folks are rewriting the rules
• Why so many gay men feel alone and how attachment wounds shape that experience
• How dating apps and scarcity mindset reinforce the belief that love isn’t possible
• The importance of differentiation—holding onto yourself and your partner at the same time

If you’re a gay man, this episode will help you feel seen, supported, and hopefully a little more hopeful. And if you’re a straight listener—especially if you're in a relationship or doing personal growth work—I promise you’ll walk away with a better understanding of how identity, attachment, and emotional safety shape all relationships. So many of the struggles we discuss are universal—just experienced through a different lens.

Tom also shares tools and insights from his incredible book The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men, and we talk about how to expand your dating mindset, build emotional resilience, and create space for joy—even if you’ve been burned before or doubt that real connection is possible.

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To connect with Tom Bruett, follow him @queerrelationshipinstitute on Instagram visit his website at https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/

Keywords: Pride Month, queer relationships, LGBTQ+, mental health, internalized homophobia, dating challenges, second queer adolescence, differentiation, attachment styles, gay relationships, self-compassion, dating advice, emotional health, relationship dynamics, gay men

Is your relationship stuck in the anxious-avoidant "trap" or a cycle of pushing and pulling, ups and downs? In this powerful episode, I sit down with relationship writer Rikki Cloos (@anxiousheartsguide on Instagram and TikTok) to talk about why anxious-avoidant relationships feel so hard—and how to make the dynamic more secure. Here's what we discuss:

• 🔁 How Rikki broke up with her now-husband eight times early on in their relationship—and what finally helped them break the anxious-avoidant cycle

• 🧠 Why avoidant partners aren't “bad” or emotionally broken—and how anxious partners can unintentionally push them further away

• 🔍 The surprising ways anxious behavior can create avoidant responses in otherwise secure people

• 💬 How to stop blaming avoidant attachers and start reflecting on your own role in the anxious-avoidant dynamic

• 💖 What self-compassion actually looks like—and how changing your inner dialogue can transform every relationship in your life, by starting with the one you have with yourself

• 🔧 The art of healthy conflict resolution—why it’s essential for growth and how to make conflict feel connecting instead of catastrophic

• 📈 Why doing the work on yourself (even solo) can shift the entire energy of your relationships, whether platonic or romantic

• 🛠️ Practical tools, real-life scripts, and tangible phrases you can use in moments of conflict or disconnection

• 🌱 How secure relationships aren’t found—they’re built through emotional maturity, communication, and mutual effort

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To connect with Rikki Cloos, visit her website at http://anxiousheartsguide.com/.

Keywords: anxious attachment, relationship dynamics, attachment theory, self-awareness, self-compassion, conflict resolution, healing relationships, secure attachment, personal growth, attachment styles, compassion, relationships, healing, communication, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, personal growth, vulnerability

In this week's episode of the Needy No More podcast, I dive deep into the final two steps of the cycle of anxious attachment, stress and addiction, answering the following questions:

• What is stress and how does it relate to addiction?
• What is love addiction?
• How does stress factor into the experience of anxious attachment?
• How does stress relate to safety and why is that important?
• What is cortisol and what are some ways you can reduce your cortisol levels and lower stress?
• How does cortisol relate to adrenaline?
• How can you interrupt the cycle of addiction?

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching

• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

Keywords: anxious attachment, healing, addiction, stress relief, love addiction, cortisol, emotional health, self-awareness, support system, mental health

In this episode of the Needy No More podcast, I interview my very first guest, Jessica Da Silva.

Jessica Da Silva is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and Attachment Coach who empowers individuals to free themselves from attachment patterns that sabotage their relationships by teaching them actionable skills to relate to themselves and others more authentically and effectively. Not only does she talk the talk, but she also devotes her online platforms to sharing her personal journey in becoming securely attached and making these topics more relatable and encouraging. Jessica also hosts the Let's Talk Attachments Podcast.

In this conversation, Jessica and I discuss:

• Why she decided to specialize in attachment science in her work as a therapist and coach
• How she's struggled with a disorganized/fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant attachment style
• How she's repeated and then repaired codependent and other unhealthy relationship patterns in her life
• When she knew her relationship with her ex of nearly seven years was over—and how she worked up the courage to listen to her intuition and leave
• What her grieving process has been like and how she's rediscovered herself again in the wake of that relationship ending
• What it looks like to grow more secure from an attachment standpoint, as well as the importance of listening to and trusting yourself on that journey

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Get my breakup guide for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/breakup
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To get in touch with Jessica, visit her website at https://www.jessicadasilvacoaching.com/ and follow her on Instagram @thejessicadasilva and TikTok @jessicadasilvacoaching.

Keywords: anxious attachment, secure attachment, relationship coaching, emotional healing, attachment styles, mental health, self-compassion, personal growth, relationship dynamics, therapy

In this week's episode, we unpack everything pertaining to nervous system dysregulation, including:

• What is nervous system dysregulation? How is it connected to being triggered?

• What are the causes of nervous system dysregulation in the past and present?

• How has nervous system dysregulation shown up in my own life?

• How is nervous system dysregulation connected to anxious attachment?

• What can I do to regulate my nervous system?

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching

• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

Keywords: anxious attachment, nervous system regulation, trauma, emotional healing, dysregulation, self-care, mental health, emotional intelligence, healing journey, coping strategies