In this episode, John and Jason talk to Christopher, who found relief from crippling fear and anxiety in a can of Fosters he stole from his dad’s fridge when he was 14. Partying in High School and college kept going until he realized he should maybe stop about 10 years later. Then he kept going for another decade or so before he finally gave up. We talk about how hard it was for all of us to stand up at our first meeting and admit that we have a problem, and how great it felt when we finally did. Chris also shares about the powerful process of making amends and how doing service helps him. We also talk about the mysterious power of meetings and how this organization that “should never be organized” has thrived for over 90 years, even though it’s run democratically by recovering alcoholics.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

Early Life & Pervasive Fear: Chris discusses the origins of a "pervasive sense of fear" that defined his childhood, growing up in a home with constantly fracturing family dynamics, and feeling "psychotic and different" from everyone else.

The Illusion of Control: How achieving professional success (even as a functional alcoholic) fueled the denial and prolonged his active addiction for 13 years, creating a life where he was always trying to outrun his own brain.

The Ultimate Bottom: The series of events—including his fiancée having her bags packed, a health crisis with his father, and being fired from a bartending job—that finally broke through his self-protection.

The Miracle of the Group: The emotional flood of relief and surrender when he finally spoke in a packed meeting, describing the "thunderous" power he felt when the group greeted him.

Surrendering to Service: The non-negotiable importance of immediate action and service work (GSR, District Chair) to stay out of his own head, and the constant battle with his alcoholic brain to keep moving forward.

Facing the Past: The terrifying yet ultimately miraculous freedom of making amends, which included confronting a boss he had stolen from and a friend he had physically harmed.

Memorable Quotes:

“I just kept thinking the further away from my own brain that I got, the better of a person I could be.”

“I smashed up cars, I smashed up friends, I lost girlfriends, I did things, but I always found a way in my warp brain to blame somebody else.”

“If you lose a job as a bartender because you drink too much, you know, you're pretty much unemployable.”

“So we went to that meeting and I was so scared to walk in because I knew no matter what if I went in there, my life could change.”

“And when I stood up and said, my name's Chris, I'm an alcoholic. And a room full of 60 people said, ‘Chris!’ I felt something greater than myself hit me.”

“Boy, has life changed for the better in a way I never could have possibly imagined.”

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Missi joins Jason and John to share a story about a frightening childhood experience that reverberated through her life. Her desire to be someone other than herself and a need for validation led to a successful career as an actor and an entertainer. However, there was still a deep-rooted insecurity that drinking helped to quell temporarily. In recovery, she's discovered tools that help her stay sober and really connect with other people, not just her fellow addicts, in a deep and meaningful way that allows her to feel a daily sense of peace, purpose, and joy. We also talk about what the heck "A Higher Power of Your Own Understanding" means and how important that is to recovery. It sounds serious, but this episode is pretty hilarious, so give it a listen. You'll hear a lot of wisdom, and you'll find out how an on-set dildo accident still affects Missi to this day.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed

• Higher Power: How the hypocrisy and casual violence associated with her religious upbringing made belief in God difficult until she was able to create her own conception of the divine.
• Fellowship: The importance of walking the path of sobriety who share the same issue and can understand what you're going through. "In my phone right now I've got hundreds of numbers, and a lot of those numbers, I could call and just say hey, I just need to talk. And how amazing is that?”
• One Day at a Time: The simple trick of not worrying about what years of sobriety look like. Just focus on not drinking today. Can you do that? “That's all you got to do. Just do that today. Call me tomorrow. We'll talk again.”

Memorable Quotes

• "That was how I was raised. Like nothing was ever good enough. We were never good enough."
• "I just was a liar or a cheater. Like, I just, I was unfaithful in every relationship I was ever in. I just was uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be myself. I didn't know what myself was. I didn't have any confidence."
• So alcohol helped me with so many different things. And then before I knew it, I was drinking every night.”
• “I really was a functioning alcoholic. If you could think functioning, which is not really functioning.”
• “I remember him saying, like, ‘I just wish, I just wish that you could Love yourself.’ And I remember just being like, I love myself. Fuck you. I totally. Fuck you, man. I'm fine. You're the one who's got the problem. I didn't ever want to be wrong. I always wanted to be…in control.”
• “Creating a God of my understanding has been pretty awesome. Like what makes sense to me”
• “So it's like I'm just giving over to what I'm supposed to be here for and I have to do it every single day. And if I don't do it, a lot of the old stuff comes in."

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This episode was recorded the day after Brad celebrated 24 years of sobriety, and he packs a lot of experience, honesty, wisdom, and humor into his story. Brad tells us about his drug and alcohol abuse and the insanity of addiction. A native New Yorker, Brad attended one of his first 12-step meetings at the Jewish Y on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which was, ironically, the same place where he had been a camper and camp counselor as a kid. He talks about how cocaine and alcohol initially seemed to help him overcome his social anxiety and insecurity before they started destroying his life. He also explains how, despite being a ‘really good dreamer’, recovery has actually given him a life beyond his wildest dreams.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The "Special" Addict: Brad’s initial—and ongoing—arrogance in recovery, believing he needed two meetings a week because he "picked up the material quickly."
• Dry vs. Sober: The distinct difference between being "dry" (refraining from substances but still a "nasty motherfucker") for two years versus true sobriety.
• Financial Rock Bottoms: The insane reality of owing the IRS $140,000 in back taxes due to active addiction, and the constant fear of eviction.
• The Brick Wall Metaphor: How active addiction felt like chipping away at his life, brick by brick, until there was only a gaping hole left.
• The Therapist's Blind Spot: The shocking moment his trusted psychologist admitted he never knew Brad had a substance problem, highlighting the depth of Brad's denial and ability to mask his addiction.
• The Journey from Unmanageable to Unbearable: Realizing that his life had been "unmanageable" since childhood, but that he only sought help when it became truly "unbearable."

Memorable Quotes:

• “When I drank my first beer, Brad had fucking arrived. I was a different guy. I could do anything, say anything, think anything.”
• “All I want is to be happy in Hollywood sign size letters.”
• “By the way, ’I got this’ is not a step."
• “We said partying the same way I used to call drinks cocktails, you know, to make it look and seem more elegant than it really was. But every time I went out there, I was abusing my body.”
• I know it's a matter of time before they [the police] break in, so I'm going to hide the cocaine… Five minutes later, I wanted to do cocaine. I forget where. I hid it. And I start ripping my apartment apart. Yeah, I'm a catch.”
• “A guy in a meeting one time says, ‘he was born a happy kid, and then the hospital made him go home with his parents.’”
• “I said after that hangover, which was demoralizing, I would never drink again, which I didn’t…for two weeks”
• "I didn't even think it was an issue, that's how much of an issue it was.”

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In this wide-ranging episode, Travis tells his story, recounting how flooding his home after passing out in his bathtub wasn’t enough to keep him sober but handcuffs and leg restraints courtesy of the California Highway Patrol helped him realize he had a problem that needed a serious solution. Travis details the extreme self-will and need for external validation that fueled his addiction, manifesting in both chaos and self-sabotage. Travis also talks about his sobriety, his higher power and his suicide attempts as well as the best diners in LA, the best brands of lube and his favorite WNBA player.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:·

The "Third Generation" Alcoholic: Travis discusses his family legacy of sobriety, including grandparents who met in the rooms of AA, and why he passionately resisted the program he viewed as a place for "charlatans or zealots."·

The Illusion of Liquid Courage: How drinking, from cheap Pilsners to high-end Scotch, was used to make him feel funnier, smarter, and more attractive—a temporary fix for deep-seated insecurities.·

The Restraint of Sanity: Travis shares the powerful, humbling moment of being physically restrained in the police car, which he likens to being treated like a "mental patient," and the internal whisper of God that led him to his first meeting.·

Pets and the Price of Negligence: The shared experience in recovery where the harm to a beloved pet serves as a devastating reflection of one's own reckless behavior.

Memorable Quotes:·

"I got found out that I have a problem with substance abuse, and that was brought to me by the California Highway Patrol."

"If I sit too long, my mind becomes a filthy pond, full of scum."

"If my body is a house and it's on fire, I don't want to sit in that house fire. I want to go to the other house that's on fire."

"Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today's money in the bank."

"It's easier for me to be the good guy of the movie and not the bad guy."

Everything AA App

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In this raw and surprisingly humorous episode, hosts John and Jason are joined by Abner, who shares his deep and complex journey through addiction and recovery. Abner walks us through his early life, characterized by a persistent feeling of being "different" and constantly having to fight to survive. He describes his addiction as being fueled by a need to overcompensate and a reliance on "liquid courage" and stimulants to feel both effective and numb. Abner shares the crushing demoralization that led him to finally stop digging, embrace true willingness, and discover the profound power of working a program—not just for himself, but for the life he never knew he could lead.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The Burden of Survival Mode: Abner details his lifelong feeling of being "not normal" and the emotional labor required to simply get through the day by constantly overcompensating, eventually leading to exhaustion.
• The Double Standard and Double Life: Growing up in a demanding environment with immigrant parents, and the shame that fueled his dual existence as a successful employee and an addict relying on amphetamines to maintain the facade.
• Dirty Chips, Dirty Cakes, and Deception: The conversation dives into the complex lies and self-deception involved in celebrating sobriety milestones while still secretly using, and the eventual, necessary embarrassment that leads to honesty.
• Finding GOD (Good Orderly Direction): Abner shares the moment the concept of a Higher Power clicked for him, evolving into a practical and powerful relationship that informs his daily routines, boundaries, and decision-making.
• The Power of the Big Book: Discovering that reading the Big Book repeatedly reveals "Easter Eggs"—new lessons and insights that affirm the continuing, expanding nature of his recovery journey.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I'm thinking like, why are you guys like okay with things right now?" – On feeling fundamentally different from his classmates in first grade.
• "The way my survival skills looked was to overcompensate." – On his coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming internal conflict.
• "Alcohol may not be my favorite drug, but it's my activator." – On the primary role alcohol played in kickstarting his addictive cycle.
• "The energy that I put into my recovery was the exact, if not more, than how I used to drink and use." – On the commitment level required for true change.
• "I know that's exactly how I feel when the 'we' concept in AA is present." – On the unique, protective feeling of unity and belonging in the rooms.

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Kirsten shares her lifelong struggle with alcoholism that includes early, long term periods of sobriety followed by painful relapses. Kirsten candidly and sometimes hilariously details the mental traps of addiction and the transformative power of genuine spiritual surrender. Her story, rich with both struggle and an infectious gratitude, reveals the humor and humility found on the path to lasting sobriety. Through a dedicated engagement with the 12 Steps and the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, Kirsten describes a spiritual awakening that shattered her reliance on self-will.Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The Thinking Disease: Kirsten unpacks the concept that alcoholism is predominantly a mental obsession, not just a physical craving, and how this understanding was crucial to her recovery.
• The Illusion of Control: Her journey through cycles of sobriety and relapse, highlighting the "lurking notion" that she could manage her drinking despite mounting evidence to the contrary.
• Hitting Rock Bottom: The pivotal moment where all self-reliant options were exhausted, leading to true teachability and surrender.
• Fear as the Root: How identifying and surrendering her fears has been instrumental in dismantling self-centeredness, dishonesty, and selfishness.
• Beyond the Academic: The distinction between intellectual understanding of the program and experiencing a deep, personal spiritual connection.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I really had to get that this condition was not going to go away. Their only treatment for it was the 12 steps. For me, this was it."
• "Drinking is 10% of it. The rest of it, 90% percent of it, is thinking."
• "I’ve never been to jail not drinking."
• "I could sound great. It was very academic, but I hadn't had a spiritual awakening. I didn't know that self-reliance failed me."
• "I don't drink my booze, I don't smoke my booze, I don't gummy my booze, I don't shoot my booze, I don't pill my booze. Because I want to feel everything now."
• "My mind can't figure everything out."
• "Ultimately, there's a bigger plan, there's a script, I pick it up, I read from it, I play my part. But I'm not the writer, I'm not the director, I'm not the producer."

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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Paul V. takes us on a wild ride that’s harrowing and hilarious-–often at the same time! From touring the country as a rising rock star to finding love on the set of Independence Day to living in a van, Paul’s life has had few dull moments, at least the way he tells it! His addiction adventures finally led him to recovery and now he finds that his dreams are coming true in improbable ways.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• A Turbulent Childhood: Paul recounts early experiences of feeling unsafe and seeking escape in video games, caffeine and sugar.
• The Path to Addiction: Discover how Paul's initial anti-drug stance dissolved after trying marijuana and how alcohol quickly became his drug of choice.
• Rockstar Dreams and Reality: Paul vividly describes joining a Ska-Punk band, touring extensively, and living his dream rockstar life. His dream came to a crushing end when he was kicked out of the band because of his using.
• Hitting Rock Bottom (Again and Again): Hear about Paul's descent into heroin use, his time on methadone, a severe depression that led him to cry out for "God help me," and a shocking relapse on Kratom (found at a 7-Eleven) that left him "scared of people" and eating under blankets in rehab.
• Embracing the 12 Steps:Paul shares his initial resistance to the 12 steps, including an audacious attempt to get Step 6 changed due to his "ego." He details his journey through NA and SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), and the profound insights gained from doing his first inventory, realizing his own part in past betrayals.
• Living Dreams in Recovery: Discover how Paul's life transformed from homelessness in a van under a freeway overpass to teaching art to special needs children ("Mr. Paul"). He shares the joy of making music again, playing in a band, and seeing his childhood dreams come true through the power of connection and service.

Memorable Quotes:

• "Are you mocking me, street? Because I have not won anything." – Paul on driving down Victory Boulevard every day to a methadone clinic.
• "I would tweak out and play my game all night, stay up all night, and then… I would take a bus to the dealer." – Paul on his early video game addiction.
• "You're never too old to live your dreams and live your purpose and give your gift to the world." – A powerful message Paul received from a stranger.

Definitions:

• SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous): A 12-step fellowship for individuals who struggle with sex and love addiction.
• Men's Stag: A meeting (often in 12-step fellowships) exclusively for men.
• Section 8: A government housing program in the United States that helps low-income families, the elderly, and people with disabilities afford safe and decent housing.
• In-N-Out: A popular regional fast-food chain in the Western United States known for its burgers and simple menu.
• Kratom: An herbal extract from a Southeast Asian tree that has opioid-like effects and can be addictive.
• MusicCares: A non-profit organization that provides health and human services resources for music people.
• Dual Diagnosis: The co-occurrence of a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder.

Links:

28th Annual Musicians’ Picnic - Sunday, September 21st 2025

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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Erik unpacks his journey through addiction and the ongoing miracle of his recovery. From navigating a childhood with an alcoholic stepfather and a teetotaler mother, to finding his "arrival" in the numbing embrace of alcohol, Erik talks about the insidious progression of substance use. He shares his dive into drugs like LSD and marijuana, the isolation of his drinking, and the "involuntary spiritual experience" that finally led him to the rooms of recovery. Erik's story is a testament to the power of willingness to let a higher power do the heavy lifting.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• Family & Early Influences: Erik reflects the complex family dynamics surrounding substance use.
• The "High Bottom" Experience: Erik provides a candid definition of a "high bottom" addict – someone whose life outwardly appears functional, but whose internal world is consumed by addiction, often leading to deep isolation.
• The Allure of Escape: He describes the powerful draw of his first drink, the feeling of stress melting away, and the rapid progression from social drinking to daily consumption and drug use, including "robotripping."
• The Path to Recovery: Erik details his "moment of clarity" at Harvard Square, the promise he made to himself to attend AA by July 4th, and his initial, skeptical entry into a Zoom meeting called "Zombies."
• The Power of Sponsorship & Steps: The conversation delves into the crucial role of a sponsor, Erik’s personal insights into Step 4 (including his unique method for getting sponsees through it), and how humility redefined his understanding of service.
• Transformation & New Beginnings: Erik shares the profound shifts in his life, from making amends for past harms to experiencing real emotional relief and finding joy in previously unimaginable achievements, emphasizing the spiritual and neurological changes sobriety brings.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I discovered that if I could be on LSD and drink and smoke weed, that was just like the perfect combination."
• "I just didn't have it in me to do that because ultimately I want to live." - On being on the brink of suicide.
• "I told myself, if you can make it past the Fourth of July, you'll go to AA. You'll give AA an honest shot."
• "It just started to become easier." - On walking past the liquor aisle without obsession.
• "I knew the promises were true. I just, I just didn't think it was possible. I didn't think it was for me."
• "Remember this feeling. Not the pink cloud, but when I first noticed that, 'Wow, I actually feel something and it feels good.'" - Erik's advice for retaining positive feelings in early sobriety.

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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