This post was originally published on Audible.co.uk.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a state of emotional dysregulation experienced by almost everyone with ADHD. In his latest book, Alex Partridge draws from his own experiences with RSD. Combined with insights from the world’s top experts on ADHD, Why Does Everybody Hate Me? offers listeners an analytic overview of what RSD is, what it can look like for those who have it, and the importance of raising awareness of neurodiversity.
Michael Collina: You get very vulnerable in Why Does Everybody Hate Me? and share a lot of your own experiences with ADHD and RSD. Was there a particular moment that made you realise you had to write this book?
Alex Partridge: Yes, when I noticed that every single one of my ADHD Chatter podcast guests shared similar stories of how rejection avoidance was steering their lives. Either in the form of people pleasing, overworking, or avoiding doing anything at all because it felt safer to not try.
Writing can be a very introspective process. Was there anything you learned about yourself while writing this book that surprised you?
Yes, I learnt how much I overwork in order to avoid rejection. Staying up all night to complete the podcast edits, deleting chapters of the book and starting again, neglecting my personal wellbeing in order to satisfy the perceived expectations of the viewers and readers. This behaviour extends to my professional life in its entirety. Overwork to perfection in order to bat off criticisms.
Though you share a lot of personal anecdotes in Why Does Everybody Hate Me?, you also offer listeners an analytical overview of RSD and ADHD—breaking down everyday situations and explaining them from the perspective of someone with these neurodivergences. What do you hope listeners take away from this book?
That RSD stems from 20,000 extra micro-criticisms in their early years that were not their fault, and therefore RSD is not their fault. It’s not based in reality because the criticisms came from a place of not understanding neurodiversity. When you understand that the pain RSD causes is real but the source of the pain is not, you can take away a lot of its power and the shame associated with it.
What are some small acts or statements that can trigger a negative emotional response that might surprise a neurotypical individual?
The obvious ones is when context is not given to an ask for a conversation, i.e, partner asking to talk later or boss asking for a quick chat—in the absence of clarity, the RSD mind will assume worst-case scenario. However, the RSD person is finely tuned in to spotting the micro-rejections, the subtle eye roll, the shuffle of a foot, or the change in tone of voice, even a silence in conversations will be interpreted as a rejection.
How did your experience with RSD shape or affect your career? What were some of the biggest tips or tricks you learned along the way?
RSD turned me into a people pleaser, which made me sign a business contract that I should not have signed. This triggered a five years court case that nearly killed me through alcoholism. I wish I asserted the ‘let me think about it’ rule, which allows a pause between the ask of my attention and my response to it.
Validation and support are also a big part of this book, as you share that by the time a person with ADHD turns 12, they may have received 20,000 more negative messages about themselves. From your perspective, what’s the best path forward to change that and help ensure neurodiverse children feel safe, respected, and supported?
Awareness of neurodivergent conditions needs to increase in all settings, which will allow more curiosity instead of judgement. Rather than shouting down or dismissing behaviour that may be considered unusual, questions can be asked in an empathetic way as to why that approach is being taken.
