The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

By: Esther Perel

Narrated by: Esther Perel

""A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

More Depth, More Clarity

After working through Mating in Captivity, I wasn't sure if this book would add anything... I was mistaken. Case after case had me rewinding the audio to hear the lesson again for complete clarity. Esther Perel is onto something - the world of relationships has clearly changed and she's helping shine the light on it. Well worth the read/listen if you want to get a grip on what is happening in the world of sex and intimacy.

Things to think about before you cross the line.

I’ve been married for 32 years to a wonderful woman but she just doesn’t enjoy physical contact as much as I do. This was really difficult because she is such a beautiful woman with a loving heart. I often thought about going outside to have my physical needs met but my love for my wife and my children kept me on the other side of that line even though it was very frustrating. Now that I’ve transitioned I find myself still in love with my wife but wondering what it will be like to be intimate with someone in my female body. This book has reaffirmed my love for my wife and the need to communicate to her my desires for exploring physical contact either with her or someone else. I need to let her know what my needs are so that I don’t do something that will hurt us both.

good stories

a lot of good stories from her counseling. but I wish she gave a theory or solution. this book is entertaining tho becase of all the stories.

Huge fan

She is interesting to listen to and gives very much food for though throughout every chapter.

love love love Miss Perel! thank you!

long listen but, done in segments...
the lessons learned were priceless for me in my marriage.