The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

By: Esther Perel

Narrated by: Esther Perel

""A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

A compelling and novel look at infidelity

The State of Affairs is an insightful, layered, thought-provoking, thorough and original piece of work, and Esther Perel is pleasure to listen to. The author provides a compelling and novel exploration in an area that rarely gets an unbiased look. It takes courage to offer new perspectives on topics as contentious as infidelity, and where deeply entrenched absolutes exist. Perel's erudite, empathetic, steadying voice manages to pierce the veil of the collective unconscious and invite deeper consideration and intelligent discourse. This book, agree with the conclusions or not, will permanently broaden the landscape and our thinking around infidelity in a way that only Esther Perel can.

Refreshing look at an old problem

I think that this book is an honest examination of problems typical in any marriage/ long term relationship. Various scenarios and types of betrayal of ones partner are examined fo help one understand the factors that contribute to the betrayal. It offers hope that the problems can be identified and understood,bringing some comfort to both parties in the relationship.

Absolutely fantastic

If you have anything resembling traditional views on monogamy and marriage (and most of us do, to various extents) Be prepared to have the foundations of your beliefs dismantled. This should be required reading for all adults, and certainly for parents.

Extremely Interesting

As a person struggling with this issue I found this book extremely Interesting. it was enlightening to hear and think about infidelity beyond the incident. nothing is ever black and white and infidelity is definately a merky grey area.

Loved it...

Esther Perel dives deep into the moral ambiguities of adultery. It was fascinating to listen to.

Expanding the Love Dimensions

This book is far and above an exploration of infidelity. Perel frankly explores the way we define love and relationship and the ways we connect in the complex network of human psyche, sexuality, family, and committed love. Beautiful! Challenging! Thank you for this work of art!

Epiphanies galore!

Life changing. So much insight.

One of the best books I have ever read, and I read a lot.

Incredibly insightful and thought provoking

I am somebody who is pretty black-and-white about the subject of infidelity, however this book seriously challenged me. I was compelled to listen to it as often as possible, and was totally intrigued by the stories of the couples who were grappling with the issue of infidelity in their own relationships. Not only has it broadened my thinking about what a marriage could and should be, it has also helped me understand the nature of infidelity from a variety of perspectives. It has allowed me to activate my empathy on a much more granular level than ever before. If you are someone who has been betrayed in a relationship or who has questions about monogamy, this is an absolute must read!

Incredible

Changed my world in how I thought about infidelity and partnership. Amazing insight and powerful reflections.

Relatable yet refreshing

I’ve listened and read countless books on this topic. This book stands out with more insightful ways of seeing it from all angles. Also has interesting stats, real stories, and a variety of approaches for mending.