The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

By: Esther Perel

Narrated by: Esther Perel

Iconic couples' therapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.

An affair: It can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the prohibition against it - in fact it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.

So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past 10 years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?

Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."

After listening to Esther read The State of Affairs, continue on as she opens the door to her office and invites you to listen in on actual couple sessions. These are unscripted conversations of real, anonymous couples grappling with infidelity from her Audible Original podcast Where Should We Begin Begin? (courtesy of Audible Originals, LLC). As you enter this raw, intimate space with Esther, we hope you find the vocabulary for the conversations you may wish to have.

©2017 Esther Perel (P)2017 HarperCollins Publishers

More Depth, More Clarity

After working through Mating in Captivity, I wasn't sure if this book would add anything... I was mistaken. Case after case had me rewinding the audio to hear the lesson again for complete clarity. Esther Perel is onto something - the world of relationships has clearly changed and she's helping shine the light on it. Well worth the read/listen if you want to get a grip on what is happening in the world of sex and intimacy.

Things to think about before you cross the line.

I’ve been married for 32 years to a wonderful woman but she just doesn’t enjoy physical contact as much as I do. This was really difficult because she is such a beautiful woman with a loving heart. I often thought about going outside to have my physical needs met but my love for my wife and my children kept me on the other side of that line even though it was very frustrating. Now that I’ve transitioned I find myself still in love with my wife but wondering what it will be like to be intimate with someone in my female body. This book has reaffirmed my love for my wife and the need to communicate to her my desires for exploring physical contact either with her or someone else. I need to let her know what my needs are so that I don’t do something that will hurt us both.

good stories

a lot of good stories from her counseling. but I wish she gave a theory or solution. this book is entertaining tho becase of all the stories.

Huge fan

She is interesting to listen to and gives very much food for though throughout every chapter.

love love love Miss Perel! thank you!

long listen but, done in segments...
the lessons learned were priceless for me in my marriage.

Saved me.Saved my marriage!

Amazing book. The best marriage therapy we've ever had....it is with laser focus she touches on every emotion a couple feels and the perspective she brings is healing.

very informative and eye opening

uniquely insightful and perfectly non judgemental. I would highly recommend for those in search of relationship help

Worth Hearing

I'm glad I took the time to hear this book... I recommend it to open minded people.

amazing must have book

it's so helpful and eye-opening is there reads it so clearly it was an emotional journey

Really appreciated this book

I will preface this review by saying that yes, it’s a deep dive book into the life and effects of adultery. It’s not written in a way that demonizes the adulterer, which seems to upset other reviewers. It’s an open dialogue about a topic that is polarizing and difficult to discuss. This was a good listen. I enjoyed it and it made me think about the subject more openly and wholly.