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Waking Up to Narcissism

Waking Up to Narcissism

By: Tony Overbay LMFT
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"Waking Up to Narcissism" is a podcast hosted by Tony Overbay, LMFT, host of the award-winning Virtual Couch podcast, dedicated to helping individuals recognize and navigate narcissistic traits and tendencies in their relationships and within themselves. With a focus on emotional immaturity versus narcissism, Tony provides tools and guidance for personal growth and managing relationships with narcissistic or emotionally immature individuals, even if that individual is you!Copyright 2025 Waking Up to Narcissism Hygiene & Healthy Living Personal Development Personal Success Psychology Psychology & Mental Health
Episodes
  • Stop Trying to Explain Yourself to the Narcissist: Why Explanations Make Things Worse

    Stop Trying to Explain Yourself to the Narcissist: Why Explanations Make Things Worse
    Oct 3 2025
    Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim. Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks: Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partner How emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connection The cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactions The difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachment Five rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversations If you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic. Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why. 00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements 00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging 02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview 02:47 Narcissism in Relationships 07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins 11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior 19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment 25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface 35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon 35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships 39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle 43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness 51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists 56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power 01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation 01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com
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    1 hr and 14 mins
  • On the Other Side of the Couch: What I Learned Losing My Mom

    On the Other Side of the Couch: What I Learned Losing My Mom
    Sep 22 2025
    What happens when the person who usually has the answers finds himself sitting in the unknown? In this deeply personal episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay shares his raw, honest experience of losing his mother - not as a clinician offering guidance, but as a son navigating grief for the first time. Tony opens with a touching story about his mom's lifelong belief that he was a "real doctor," leading to an unexpectedly profound moment in the ICU. He then sits down with Q&A Files co-host Trisha Jamison for an unfiltered conversation about what it's really like when the helper becomes the one who needs help. This isn't a clinical discussion about the stages of grief - it's a human exploration of sitting bedside for four days, the humor that emerges in dark moments, the spiritual experiences you hope for but might not get, and why "let me know if you need anything" might not be as helpful as we think. Whether you're processing your own loss, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about what happens when life flips the script on a mental health professional, this conversation offers something real. It's messy, it's honest, and it's ultimately about being human enough to sit with the questions when you don't have all the answers. Topics covered: Grief processing, end-of-life care, family dynamics, therapeutic insights, humor as coping mechanism, supporting others in loss, acceptance and commitment therapy in practice. Content note: This episode contains frank discussions about death, dying, and the physical aspects of end-of-life care. 00:00 Introduction and Announcements 02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom 03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist 06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor 15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief 17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace 34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory 35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism 38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences 42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss 48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth 52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief 58:49 Concluding Thoughts and Farewell Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com
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    1 hr
  • Would You Rather Be Liked—or True to Yourself? The High Cost of Integrity in Marriage, Parenting, Faith, and Work

    Would You Rather Be Liked—or True to Yourself? The High Cost of Integrity in Marriage, Parenting, Faith, and Work
    Sep 15 2025
    Would you rather be liked—or be true to yourself? It sounds simple, but what happens when staying true to your values could cost you your job, your marriage, your faith community, or your friendships? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch Presents, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the real difference between character (the traits others see in us) and integrity (the alignment of our actions with our deepest values). Through stories pulled from the legal world, faith communities, workplaces, friendships, and even the messy reality of parenting, Tony explores how external validation can pull us away from who we are—and how emotional maturity, self-determination, and values-based living bring us back home to ourselves. You’ll hear about billion-dollar law firms making impossible choices, parents navigating the tension between community expectations and their child’s authenticity, and why even a heated debate over pizza sauce in a Hot Pocket can reveal where integrity really lives. At the end of the episode, stay tuned for a short guided meditation to help you connect with your own values and discover how to live them out with integrity. And don’t miss the chance to grab a cheat sheet of this episode and Tony’s Values Exercise, a simple but powerful tool to help you start discovering who you truly are. This is not about guilt or shame. It’s about curiosity, growth, and finding the courage to live with integrity—even when it costs you. 00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch 00:50 The Dilemma: Being Liked vs. Being True to Yourself 01:36 Exploring Character and Integrity 02:58 Upcoming Cruise and Workshops 04:04 Character vs. Integrity: Real-Life Examples 14:14 The Legal World: Integrity Under Pressure 33:21 Self-Determination Theory and Emotional Maturity 35:53 Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination Theory 36:56 Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness 37:42 External Rewards and Burnout 38:39 Real-World Examples of Integrity 39:42 Sophia's Journey to Integrity 42:16 Daniel's Struggle with Values 45:12 Integrity in Different Contexts 58:06 Faith and Integrity 01:06:15 Guided Meditation: Coming Home to Your Values Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com
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    1 hr and 11 mins
All stars
Most relevant
So many epiphanies here, giving me the tools to deal with him!! I am a LMSW and I never thought I’d be in a relationship like this. It’s so eye opening thank you so much for sharing.

Eye opening & Strengthening!

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Tony has such a way about educating us all about narcissistic personality disorder & emotional immaturity. He’s a gem!

Life changing

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so helpful listening in on others storys. if I can get validation for what I've been thru, it helps fill a little of that void so I can move forward after being in two long narcissistic relationships over the last 18yrs..

clarity...

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Life Changing. Encouraging. Clear.
One of my Favorite things about Tony is: He speaks clear and calm!
Many great folks trying to share on this topic often share in a way that is "very passionate" I have found that people sharing in an URGENT way are very triggering to me. So much surrounding this topic is already scary and you feel so unsure of your self as you even explore whether this may finally be what is so wrong in your relationship. I'm very sensitive to the urgency and voice tones used.
Tony you are a true treasure, thank you for letting your light shine, and in doing so helping so many others start to let theirs shine as well.

Thank You~

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My wife and I have been struggling for awhile. There was a lot of hurt between us both. She asked me to listen to this podcast. Holy cow I had no idea how many of my own problems I had with myself because I didn't know the symptoms and the words to have it all make sense. Tony is incredible and helpful in putting it in a way everyone can understand. I listen to the Virtual Couch now too which is extremely helpful for my own self worth and positive thinking.

I'm a man, this is extremely helpful

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