I was thinking about how much of our daily stress is really caused by "stealth expectations"—those unconscious expectations we don't communicate, which often lead to disappointment and conflict.

I love to call them "stealth expectations" because we don't even realize we have them, yet they drive our behaviour. The thing is, they're often associated with perfectionism and the desire to control circumstances, all so we can avoid feeling uncomfortable.

You've probably had the thought yourself that "they should just know" what you're thinking. But people aren't psychic and don't have the same information, thought process, or upbringing that we do.

As Buddha would say, "peace begins when expectations end."

To reduce frustration, I encourage you to determine your expectations before attending any meeting or family gathering.

Then, if you find yourself frustrated, I encourage you to reality check that expectation: Is it realistic, or is it only something that could happen in a perfect world?

The real key is managing our own feelings, teaching our nervous systems to relax, and keeping an open mind.

What you'll learn today:

• Discover how stealth expectations can lead to resentment, disappointment, and conflict.

• How to identify the root cause underneath these unconscious expectations — they often stem from perfectionism and the desire to control people or circumstances.

• Remembering that what's obvious to you is not obvious to others.

• A simple strategy to pre-plan your expectations before an event, conversation, or meeting to minimize frustration.

• How to check your reality and communicate your expectations.

• A simple technique to tell your brain that you're safe when you feel activated.

Timestamps:

00:00 Stealth Expectations

01:07 Why Resentment Builds

02:32 The Mind Reading Myth

03:44 Spot Expectations Early

05:43 Hockey Ref Example

07:10 Reality Check Them

07:29 Say It Out Loud

08:32 Self Soothe Discomfort

09:34 Breathe Before Reacting

10:40 Open Mind And Worthiness

11:42 Closing And Contact

Link from today's episode:

• Get in touch for 1:1 therapy

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram

Related Episodes:

• 59: The Truth About Trust

• 58: Oversharing vs. True Vulnerability

• 54: How Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Burnout

I've been thinking a lot about connection lately—it was actually my New Year's resolution.

As we get older and busier, our friendships can suffer, and many of us are starting to ask, "Where are my people?"

This week's episode was inspired by my decision to throw my husband a surprise 50th birthday party (shhhh, it's next week), and the realization that many of us, myself included, have forgotten how to simply gather at home outside of kids' birthday parties.

I miss the impromptu gatherings when, as a kid, my family would have neighbors drop in for coffee or host bridge nights. There seemed to be many reasons to get the village together.

When I dug into some of the research for this episode, I uncovered sobering statistics on our social habits and just how lonely many of us are — especially among 15-24-year-olds.

We know that it takes a village to raise a family, and I can't help but wonder whether we're placing the responsibility for an entire village on our partners' and kids' shoulders. Are we expecting our immediate families to fulfill all our needs?

Since this is something I'm focused on improving this year, I share my personal tips for making socializing a priority and for hosting simple, low-pressure gatherings. The point isn't perfection; it's simply getting together.

Discover:

• Why our brains are hardwired for belonging, and why social support is as important as work and family.

• How half of people report feeling moderate to severe loneliness, and the loneliest age group is 15-24-year-olds.

• The problem with expecting your partner and kids to fill all your social needs puts too much emphasis on just a few relationships — we were designed to need a village to thrive.

• Tips to make gatherings a priority by creating time for socializing, saying no to things you don't enjoy, and delegating tasks like housework.

• Ways to keep get-togethers simple and instead of stressing over a perfect house or elaborate menu, order takeout, ask guests to contribute, and plan ahead so you can enjoy your own party.

• Why you should take the risk and host an impromptu get-together and invite new neighbors or friends over as a low-pressure way to build community.

Timestamps:

00:00 Why Friends Matter

01:27 A Fun Surprise 50th Birthday Party Plan

03:34 Have Adults Forgotten How to Gather?

04:55 What Changed After Becoming Parents and COVID?

07:41 Loneliness Stats and Social Support

10:38 Guilt and The Need for Connection

12:00 Make Socializing a Priority

13:42 Hosting Made Simple

14:56 Plan Ahead and Ask for Help

16:43 Neighborhood Party Success Story

18:33 Take the Risk and Wrap Up

Link from today's episode:

• Get in touch for 1:1 therapy

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram

Related Episodes:

• 54: How Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Burnout

• 53: The Anti-Overwhelm Formula: 3 Steps for an Easier Life

• 58: Oversharing vs. True Vulnerability

What do you do when things don't go as planned?

This, unfortunately, seems to be our new normal lately. We invest so much time and energy into planning — from our careers to our families to when we'll retire. The things we can't really plan for? The inevitable setbacks, accidents, or illnesses.

I used to think resilience was something people either had or didn't, or that it was cultivated through hardships. But what I've learned is that success comes from failing often and not quitting. Michael Jordan famously shared about how many game-winning shots he missed and how many games he's lost.

This illustrates the whole point — failure isn't a sign that there's something inherently wrong with us; it's a lesson containing valuable information for us.

The key to not letting setbacks take us out of the game is determination and the ability to reset. That's where Brené Brown's Rising Strong Process comes in. I break down the three crucial steps to help you respond as your best self instead of freezing, reacting defensively, or quitting:

1. The Reckoning (Walk into Your Story): Learn to notice when you're triggered. Identify the body sensation, name the emotion, and pause. We can train ourselves out of the primitive fight, flee, freeze, or fawn responses.

2. The Rumble (Own Your Story): Our brain loves to make up stories to fill in the gaps! Writing down the story you're telling yourself (without a filter) is a useful exercise.

3. The Revolution (Integrate the Learning): This is where you put the learning into practice, like regularly giving people the benefit of the doubt and getting curious before getting angry.

With Rising Strong skills, you'll be prepared for the unknown and trust that, no matter what happens, you can handle it. When things don't go your way, it just means you have a new problem to solve and a new lesson to learn. You can do this!

In this episode, discover:

• Why we need to expect the unexpected and understand that setbacks and curveballs are normal. Make plans, but also prepare the skills to be resilient.

• How failure is a key part of the learning process.

• Practical strategies to slow down your reaction, including naming the emotion, taking a breath, and pausing before jumping to a reaction you'll regret later.

• A simple technique to help you challenge your own stories to show you where you may be making assumptions.

• A simple mindset shift — believing that other people are doing their best — can make your life and relationships better.

• The common fear under our initial reactions to mistakes.

Timestamps:

00:00 When Plans Fall Apart

01:21 Why Resilience Matters

02:50 Failure Builds Greatness

04:52 Rising Strong Overview

06:20 Expecting the Unexpected

07:48 Step One: The Reckoning

10:11 Step Two: The Rumble

13:41 Rewriting our Story

15:48 Step Three: The Revolution

20:50 Being Prepared

21:31 Next Steps to Build Resilience

Links from today's episode:

• Dare to Lead Workshop

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram