"Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice."

- Dr. John Gottman

Let's take an honest look at how communication breaks down in busy marriages and what you can do to stop it. Most couples don't ignore each other out of malice, but out of exhaustion, distraction, and rushed daily life. In this episode, we unpack why communication is essential for growth and connection, and how unspoken assumptions quickly lead to misunderstandings. Drawing on Dr. John Gottman's research, we break down the Four Horsemen of Communication - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and explain how they quietly damage relationships. More importantly, we share practical antidotes to each one, along with simple habits and conversations you can start using right away to communicate more clearly, stay emotionally connected, and protect your marriage from drifting apart.

• Communication shapes your marriage every day. It's not the big conversations alone that matter, but the daily responses, tone, and small interactions. You cannot grow closer without communicating, and mind-reading is not a real skill, no matter how much we wish it were.

• Unspoken assumptions damage connection. When couples don't communicate, they fill in the gaps with guesses, and those guesses are often wrong. What feels obvious to you may not be obvious to your spouse.

• If left unchecked, the Four Horsemen quietly erode relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are strong predictors of marital breakdown, but couples can recognize them early and recover when they're willing to change patterns.

• Most conflict starts inside us, not with our spouse. Many reactions come from fear, stress, or unresolved issues rather than our spouse's actions. Growth begins when we take ownership and speak from vulnerability instead of blame.

• Engaging imperfectly is better than withdrawing. Respect, appreciation, and choosing to stay engaged, even awkwardly, protect connection. Healthy communication requires effort, humility, and the daily choice to turn toward each other.

• Which of the Four Horsemen are threatening our relationship right now?

• How would you rate our communication on a scale of 1-10? What can we do to improve this?

Resources

• Guide to Communication: https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/communication/

• Explanation of the Four Horsemen: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

"Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Genesis 2:24

Summary

In this episode, we talk about something every person longs for: belonging. At its heart, marriage is meant to be a place where you are chosen, known, and not easily walked away from. It's a home base, the one relationship you freely choose, where staying matters more than being perfect. Belonging in marriage isn't about constant agreement or effortless connection. It's about knowing someone is still there when things are hard, awkward, or unfinished. Over time, that kind of commitment creates safety, trust, and real intimacy. We also explore why working through the mess together often leads to deeper joy than walking away. Join us as we begin a series on building lasting belonging in marriage, starting with the foundation of healthy communication.

• Everyone needs a place where they Belong and that is found in marriage for Catholic couples

• Build that home base in your marriage by affirming your commitment to each other, not just that you are doing everything perfectly.

• Being known in marriage happens through vulnerability. When you belong you are able to be more vulnerable.

• When you work as a team with common goals that also builds connection and belonging

• How can we continue to build a safe place, a comfort in belonging to each other in our marriage?

• What are our shared goals and dreams?

Resources

• Study showing couples who stay together are happier

• • https://ifstudies.org/blog/for-most-couples-who-stay-the-course-marriage-gets-better-with-time-an-interview-with-paul-r-amato

• Importance of Shared Meaning

• • https://www.gottman.com/blog/enriching-marriage-creating-shared-meaning/

"Love of neighbor is a path that leads to the encounter with God… closing our eyes to our neighbour also blinds us to God."
- Pope Benedict XVI, God is Love

We begin with Love because marriage flows from our deepest identity and relationships, not just spousal dynamics. Created in the image of a loving, Triune God, we must first ask who God is and who we are in His eyes. Our relationship with God and with ourselves forms the foundation for loving others. Pope Benedict XVI's God Is Love reveals that eros and agape are inseparable dimensions of love: we are made to give and receive love. God's passionate, faithful love for His people—fulfilled fully in Jesus—becomes the model for marriage. In Christ, love of God and love of neighbor are one reality. Our first neighbor is our spouse, and loving them faithfully is the primary path to holiness and authentic love.

• Love begins with God, not marriage
  Before focusing on spousal relationships, we must understand who God is and who we are in His eyes. Our identity as loved by God is the foundation for all love.
  
  

• You cannot love others without loving God and yourself rightly
  Knowing and receiving God's love allows us to love ourselves truthfully, which is necessary to love anyone else authentically.
  
  

• Eros and agape belong together
  Human desire (eros) is not bad; it is purified and fulfilled by God's unconditional love (agape). Love requires both giving and receiving.
  
  

• God's passionate love is revealed fully in Jesus
  Christ embodies God's self-giving love and draws us into communion—with God and with others—especially through the Eucharist.
  
  

• Marriage is the primary place love is lived
  Spouses are each other's first neighbors. Loving one's spouse faithfully is the clearest expression of love of God and the path to holiness.

Pdf of encyclical: https://www.vatican.va/content/benedict-xvi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20051225_deus-caritas-est.html

Join the Cana90 Fellowship: https://messyfamilyproject.org/programs/cana90/fellowship-form/