After discovering a partner's affair, many people ask the same question: Am I going crazy?

You love this person deeply — and part of you wants to walk out the door. That contradiction isn't a sign something is wrong with you. It's what happens when betrayal creates an internal war between competing parts of who you are.

In this solo episode, Todd Creager breaks down what he calls the Civil War of Betrayal — and why both the person who was cheated on and the person who cheated experience this painful internal conflict.

Using the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd explains the three distinct inner parts that get activated in the aftermath of infidelity: the managers (the part obsessively checking phones, gathering evidence, trying to stay in control), the firefighters (the part that acts out in anger, revenge, or impulsive decisions to escape the pain), and the exiles (the deep wound underneath it all — often tied to old feelings of abandonment that this betrayal has brought back to the surface).

Todd also introduces what IFS calls the Self — that part of you that holds the capacity for compassion, clarity, curiosity, and calm. When the Self leads, something different becomes possible: instead of reacting from your most wounded or most angry place, you get curious. You start to ask what part of me is doing this right now? And that question changes everything.

Drawing from a real couple he worked with — he calls them John and Lucy — Todd walks through how IFS combined with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helped them move from blame and reactivity to genuine understanding. Their relationship didn't go back to what it was before. In some ways, it became deeper than it had ever been.

If you or your partner are somewhere in the middle of this — loving each other and hurting each other at the same time — this episode gives you a language for what's actually happening inside. And a starting point for something better.

When you're ready to go further, check out Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit — a resource he created specifically for couples in the early, most disorienting stages of betrayal recovery.

https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/infidelity-first-aid

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What draws someone back to a relationship they know is hurting them — and what does it take to finally walk away?

In this episode, Todd sits down with author and spiritual counselor Stephen Paul Edwards, whose memoir The Venus Fly Trap chronicles one of the most intense, chaotic, and revealing relationships of his life. Named by the woman at the center of it all, the title says everything — and nothing you're quite prepared for.

Stephen shares openly about falling hard for a woman he recognized early on as dangerous, and staying anyway. What follows is a candid, often funny conversation about gaslighting, borderline personality disorder (BPD), childhood trauma, and the complicated reality that toxic relationships are rarely all bad.

Todd and Stephen dig into why smart, self-aware people end up in relationships that slowly erode their sense of reality, what BPD actually looks like to live alongside, and why the partner on the receiving end often blames themselves.

They also explore the current sexual revolution — shifting attitudes around monogamy, sexuality, and identity — and whether polyamory or monogamy can both be done well or badly depending on the people involved.

At the heart of it all is the work Todd talks about with clients regularly: facing the parts of ourselves we've spent a lifetime hiding. Stephen's memoir forced him to stop running and look inward — the same work that often marks the difference between a relationship that survives and one that doesn't.

If you've ever stayed past the point you should have, this one will feel familiar.

Access a free copy of Stephen's bonus book, The Venus Flytrap: Madness and Mayhem here: https://bit.ly/3MvAtAa

To learn more about Stephen's book or access free resources, visit VFT23.com. If this episode brought something up in your own relationship, reach out to Todd at toddcreager.com.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...

What if the "insecurity" you've been working so hard to reassure isn't insecurity at all?

In this solo episode, Todd Creager—a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience—walks you through one of the most confusing dynamics he sees in his practice: when what looks like a partner's fear and need for reassurance is actually a pattern of manipulation and control.

Todd explains the key differences between genuine insecurity and deliberate manipulation. Someone who is truly insecure may need reassurance, but they'll also take responsibility for their actions, apologize sincerely, and work to respect your boundaries over time. A person who is manipulating, on the other hand, keeps moving the goalpost—what satisfied them yesterday becomes a problem today. They rarely apologize, and when you bring up your own pain, the conversation gets turned back around onto you.

This episode covers several warning signs to watch for: when your sense of reality gets questioned until you start doubting your own memory; when jealousy turns into isolation from friends and family under the guise of "protecting" you; and when the silent treatment becomes a tool for punishment rather than a sign of hurt feelings. Todd draws a clear line between fear-based insecurity and power-based manipulation—one comes from a place of wanting connection, the other from wanting control.

If you've been weathered down over time and feel like you've lost your sense of self, this episode offers clarity. Todd shares how he helps clients begin to trust their own perception again by asking simple questions: What do I think? What do I feel? What would I believe if my partner wasn't telling me otherwise?

Whether you recognize these patterns in your own relationship or in someone you care about, this conversation can be a starting point for understanding what's really happening—and what you can do next.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out. Todd works with individuals and couples navigating these complex dynamics and is here to help you find your footing again.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• Be...